Struggling with Injustice

Meant to say, when I am on “one” I tend to lash out irrationally at those closest to me, ie my Wife, I do not mean to do it but often think of the worst thing I can think of saying by way of ensuring the situation I am in with them will end as I can’t understand and cope with my emotions. It is vicious circle because of course my emotions are heightened anyway and they just keep intensifying until I explode.

We had our first child young, it was a difficult birth where we didn’t know if our son would make it. As we were young and we had to work and find our feet we were under so much pressure, life was hard. I was not the best dad to our son, I loved him, still do but he was a challenging child who had their own troubles, with overbearing grandparents too and what I now know to be autism I just could not cope with him or situations and at times my way of coping in situations was to call him names, to shout at him and upset him too.

Sadly we eventually had to put him in care and things escalated from there for him. The guilt I feel and still feel that maybe had I got help sooner things might have been different keeps me awake most nights. Maybe if I was a better Dad and person he might have had better start in life. I am quite sure he is autistic himself, oddly despite the situation he now finds himself in out relationship is a strong as ever

The guilt of the way I have behaved in the past and the general grieving process regarding autism hits very hard even now.

Sorry for oversharing. 

Was so emotional reading this, I relate and resonate so much with this as it pretty much sums up my everyday life. Thanks for sharing as this helped me a lot just knowing I’m not alone 

Thanks for this so much 

Exactly this. Sometimes I handle it sometimes I get so hyperfocused on the injustice and wanting to know why and what that it makes me ill, it’s delibitating 

I didn't believe I was Autistic for a long time (not for another 22 years after being diagnosed AuDHD at 30). Now that I've finally started to identify, I'm all of a sudden feeling very Autistic. It's really strange. If you'd asked me a few years ago if I have sensory difficulties, I'd have said, "No." Now, I'm flinching every time I hear a loud noise and my stress level spikes (adrenaline ramping up). Persistent mechanical noises, dogs barking, music I don't like, ... I seem to be on the verge of a meltdown for most of every day. That's probably a gross exaggeration, but it's how it feels when I'm a bit low, like today, after yesterday's near meltdown that ended with me getting the silent treatment, which today I find so deeply unfair.

I've let my guard down. I've relaxed my grip. I've spent a lifetime forcing everything down deep and trying to be "normal"—probably mostly unconsciously, and often failing—and after all that bubbled up during last year's burnout (ongoing), I just can't seem to stuff it back down. I don't even think I want to. Lacking motivation, I'm just not putting in the same effort. I'm too tired and it's all too difficult. So, I have a meltdown probably once a week. Sometimes a surge of stress and panic; sometimes an overwhelming frustration; sometimes a burning rage; always way, way too much. My head wants to explode. I try not to shout, I try not to act out, I try to make it easier on those around me. I think they just don't see what's happening, so I wonder if it would be better if I started screaming and throwing things. Instead, I isolate myself, I try to talk myself down, I know I'll feel better after a couple of days. It's easier if I don't look for anyone to blame, including myself. Then it will happen again. You know how it is.

I've educated myself to the point where I can sit there and watch my meltdowns happen and have some understanding of what's going on. That helps in the aftermath, but it's all still so bloody horrible to go through. I'm just staring at inevitability and there is not much I can do about it. I'll try to avert it, to fix it in the moment, and sometimes that brings me back down, sometimes it takes the edge off, and sometimes it's too late. Whatever way, it's hard to manage.

I'm scared, too. If you'd asked me a few of years ago if I have meltdowns, I'd have said, "No." With educated hindsight, that would not have been true. I've had them all my life, but they were infrequent and so heavily masked that even I didn't recognise them. I didn't even know what a meltdown was, so why would I. Now my whole existence seems to be centred around averting or delaying the next meltdown. I'm getting quite fed up.

Sorry for the whole "misery loves company" rant. I'm sure we'll both have plenty of days when we feel much better.

Thanks for this, appreciated and very very helpful 

Thanks for this, happy to chat on here as although I have my family and my wife who is a total rock I don’t really have anyone like minded I can speak to who is the same as me 

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. Sometimes when we experience such strong emotions it’s not surprising that this can make us feel panic and feel overwhelmed. I think collectively there is a lot of despair at the moment about the injustice in the world - you are far from alone in feeling that way.

iIts great that you’re taking steps towards a diagnosis- the more we understand ourselves the better. In the meantime there is a great community on here who can totally relate to the things you describe. It can help to accept and embrace feelings of overwhelm - rather than feeling we ‘shouldn’t be feeling this way’ and fighting the feelings we are having. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and ‘all things must pass’ - give it time and the feelings of panic and overwhelm will eventually natural lessen. The ‘fight or flight’ response (which is entirely natural and there for good purpose) is just a bit exaggerated in your system at the moment - but in time you can work on improving that using things like mindfulness. 

There is undoubtedly a lot of injustice in the world - but try to accept that you can’t personally fight that right now! It’s a collective global issue and the answers are complex and long term - and dealing with those aspects of human nature and society will be going on for generations to come. You cannot carry the weight of the world’s problems on your shoulders! Try to reduce the amount of news etc that you’re watching - instead try to focus on things that nourish you and that you enjoy. Basically take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. 

I relate to the justice part so much. It’s like once you see the unfairness in things, you can’t unsee it, and it’s exhausting trying to process why the world doesn’t work the way it should. I’ve found it helps to limit how much I engage with those situations when I feel close to burning out

Hi Bazzio14  I’m so sorry to read this. Very briefly, I burnt out late last year and am still recovering. I need to break from my screen just now, but would be happy to ‘friend’ and char some more, kater. As for justice - absolutely… totally with you on that! R

This 10 minute video by Amythest Schaber - about Autistic burnout - is one I have found useful (as distinct from workplace burnout which may be experienced by both Neurodivergent people and Neurotypical people alike):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZwfujkNBGk

Hello Bazxio14,

People are welcome here both with an Autism diagnosis and where they are self-identified, or their healthcare professional has suggested Autism is likely to be an aspect of the person's life - so please do not be concerned about those situations.

What you have described sounds really unpleasant (sorry to hear that is what you are experiencing recently).

I heard you when you said you felt scared.  I am sure many of the members here, (me too); will identify with the unnerving sensations around the unknown nature of an Autistic burnout experience.

I would encourage you to discuss the current level of your distress and the key things which seem to be making you particularly anxious - with your GP.

Depending upon your location and by which NHS route your referral was made, it could be sove time before you have your Autism assessment appointment - but in the meantime; your GP should discuss and address your wellbeing concerns. 

Your GP may feel waiting for the long list is a challenge - and instead via referral through Right To Choose (if you are in England) might be an option to consider:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/before-diagnosis/how-to-request-an-autism-assessment#What%20is%20'Right%20to%20Choose'?

Depending upon what your GP understands to be the factors in fuelling your anxiety and burnout; they may discuss with you a fit note if you need a health absence from work for a longer time than you can achieve by self-certification:

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/gps/getting-a-fit-note/

Anxiety attacks can feel scary - but there are suggestions available on how to manage them and guidance on when to seek more help:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/about-anxiety/

You titled your post "Struggling with Injustice", many of our community can feel a strong sense of right and wrong, value a good moral compass / truthfulness and honesty / be sensitive around fair play and injustice.  We may tend to operate a more definite "black and white" thinking style than non-Autistic people - and this means we can struggle with the more indeterminate "grey" thinking areas we may encounter in life.

If you are experiencing something: at work, or in your home life, in your local community in the real World, or with a relationship, or around your physical health / mental health - ...which you find unreasonable, or unfair: it is important to reach out for help from people, or organisations who might best understand the situation (the topic and resolution options) and know what steps you might be able to take to improve matters.

Hoping some of the below information might also prove to be helpful and provide you with some bullet points to discuss with your GP:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/parents

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/anxiety

https://www.autistica.org.uk/molehill-mountain

If you have not tried using noise-cancelling headphones, or ear buds - that might give you some respite e.g. when the washing machine is noisy.  For some neighbourhood, or construction noise etc. I would suggest a pair ear defenders (you can even get reasonably priced ones which are rated to suppress 28 or 34 decibels).

Urgent Help - outside of GP opening hours - do please consult one of the following resources:

https://www.autism.org.uk/contact-us/urgent-help

With all good wishes.