Struggling with Injustice

I didn't believe I was Autistic for a long time (not for another 22 years after being diagnosed AuDHD at 30). Now that I've finally started to identify, I'm all of a sudden feeling very Autistic. It's really strange. If you'd asked me a few years ago if I have sensory difficulties, I'd have said, "No." Now, I'm flinching every time I hear a loud noise and my stress level spikes (adrenaline ramping up). Persistent mechanical noises, dogs barking, music I don't like, ... I seem to be on the verge of a meltdown for most of every day. That's probably a gross exaggeration, but it's how it feels when I'm a bit low, like today, after yesterday's near meltdown that ended with me getting the silent treatment, which today I find so deeply unfair.

I've let my guard down. I've relaxed my grip. I've spent a lifetime forcing everything down deep and trying to be "normal"—probably mostly unconsciously, and often failing—and after all that bubbled up during last year's burnout (ongoing), I just can't seem to stuff it back down. I don't even think I want to. Lacking motivation, I'm just not putting in the same effort. I'm too tired and it's all too difficult. So, I have a meltdown probably once a week. Sometimes a surge of stress and panic; sometimes an overwhelming frustration; sometimes a burning rage; always way, way too much. My head wants to explode. I try not to shout, I try not to act out, I try to make it easier on those around me. I think they just don't see what's happening, so I wonder if it would be better if I started screaming and throwing things. Instead, I isolate myself, I try to talk myself down, I know I'll feel better after a couple of days. It's easier if I don't look for anyone to blame, including myself. Then it will happen again. You know how it is.

I've educated myself to the point where I can sit there and watch my meltdowns happen and have some understanding of what's going on. That helps in the aftermath, but it's all still so bloody horrible to go through. I'm just staring at inevitability and there is not much I can do about it. I'll try to avert it, to fix it in the moment, and sometimes that brings me back down, sometimes it takes the edge off, and sometimes it's too late. Whatever way, it's hard to manage.

I'm scared, too. If you'd asked me a few of years ago if I have meltdowns, I'd have said, "No." With educated hindsight, that would not have been true. I've had them all my life, but they were infrequent and so heavily masked that even I didn't recognise them. I didn't even know what a meltdown was, so why would I. Now my whole existence seems to be centred around averting or delaying the next meltdown. I'm getting quite fed up.

Sorry for the whole "misery loves company" rant. I'm sure we'll both have plenty of days when we feel much better.

I didn't believe I was Autistic for a long time (not for another 22 years after being diagnosed AuDHD at 30). Now that I've finally started to identify, I'm all of a sudden feeling very Autistic. It's really strange. If you'd asked me a few years ago if I have sensory difficulties, I'd have said, "No." Now, I'm flinching every time I hear a loud noise and my stress level spikes (adrenaline ramping up). Persistent mechanical noises, dogs barking, music I don't like, ... I seem to be on the verge of a meltdown for most of every day. That's probably a gross exaggeration, but it's how it feels when I'm a bit low, like today, after yesterday's near meltdown that ended with me getting the silent treatment, which today I find so deeply unfair.

I've let my guard down. I've relaxed my grip. I've spent a lifetime forcing everything down deep and trying to be "normal"—probably mostly unconsciously, and often failing—and after all that bubbled up during last year's burnout (ongoing), I just can't seem to stuff it back down. I don't even think I want to. Lacking motivation, I'm just not putting in the same effort. I'm too tired and it's all too difficult. So, I have a meltdown probably once a week. Sometimes a surge of stress and panic; sometimes an overwhelming frustration; sometimes a burning rage; always way, way too much. My head wants to explode. I try not to shout, I try not to act out, I try to make it easier on those around me. I think they just don't see what's happening, so I wonder if it would be better if I started screaming and throwing things. Instead, I isolate myself, I try to talk myself down, I know I'll feel better after a couple of days. It's easier if I don't look for anyone to blame, including myself. Then it will happen again. You know how it is.

I've educated myself to the point where I can sit there and watch my meltdowns happen and have some understanding of what's going on. That helps in the aftermath, but it's all still so bloody horrible to go through. I'm just staring at inevitability and there is not much I can do about it. I'll try to avert it, to fix it in the moment, and sometimes that brings me back down, sometimes it takes the edge off, and sometimes it's too late. Whatever way, it's hard to manage.

I'm scared, too. If you'd asked me a few of years ago if I have meltdowns, I'd have said, "No." With educated hindsight, that would not have been true. I've had them all my life, but they were infrequent and so heavily masked that even I didn't recognise them. I didn't even know what a meltdown was, so why would I. Now my whole existence seems to be centred around averting or delaying the next meltdown. I'm getting quite fed up.

Sorry for the whole "misery loves company" rant. I'm sure we'll both have plenty of days when we feel much better.

Meant to say, when I am on “one” I tend to lash out irrationally at those closest to me, ie my Wife, I do not mean to do it but often think of the worst thing I can think of saying by way of ensuring the situation I am in with them will end as I can’t understand and cope with my emotions. It is vicious circle because of course my emotions are heightened anyway and they just keep intensifying until I explode.

We had our first child young, it was a difficult birth where we didn’t know if our son would make it. As we were young and we had to work and find our feet we were under so much pressure, life was hard. I was not the best dad to our son, I loved him, still do but he was a challenging child who had their own troubles, with overbearing grandparents too and what I now know to be autism I just could not cope with him or situations and at times my way of coping in situations was to call him names, to shout at him and upset him too.

Sadly we eventually had to put him in care and things escalated from there for him. The guilt I feel and still feel that maybe had I got help sooner things might have been different keeps me awake most nights. Maybe if I was a better Dad and person he might have had better start in life. I am quite sure he is autistic himself, oddly despite the situation he now finds himself in out relationship is a strong as ever

The guilt of the way I have behaved in the past and the general grieving process regarding autism hits very hard even now.

Sorry for oversharing. 

Was so emotional reading this, I relate and resonate so much with this as it pretty much sums up my everyday life. Thanks for sharing as this helped me a lot just knowing I’m not alone