How do people let go?

Well the first thing is not to anchor your worth in another person. They are weak and human, they can't take the pressure. I know how you feel worrying if it's worht continuing or if they've changed or they like you or don't. It's a tough loop to get out of. 

For me, it works to ground my identity in God. I am God's child and that never changes. If you're not Christian try grounding yourself in your own identity. You exist independantly of this person. If they are your friend or not, does not make you less. Spend time doing things you like doing. Take care of your own needs. Establish other friendships even those online. 

You may need to end the realtionship if it's being so negative to your well being. Make a list of pro's and cons. It may help to think (or ask) what is bothering them. It may be they are also neurodivergent or have some personailty issues or something you are not aware of or a chaotic life. 

It helps to remember your limits. I am for instance am really bad at understanding when to contact and when not or expressing my care for friends or remembering to make it about them sometimes and I often talk over them and don't listen. They might have these problems or others too. Just a clash. Is it worth it to continue or not. 

God bless you

I don't think this is the case because they were the lead in this friendship so I absolutely know that they know how, they used to message daily. I don't completely understand why they still send the odd message. Maybe they don't want to cut ties completely or it justifies that they can still call it a friendship but don't actually have to bother with it. Or maybe it's out of guilt. I have no idea. None of the situation makes any sense to me. If they still wanted to but just didn't know how they wouldn't ignore messages when I send them.

 I think we have a problem with interpreting the hints that others give us and thus can lead to misunderstandings.  

I understand that it is challenging to meet people, especially in group situations. I hate group situations too, mostly due to being overwhelmed and not being able to follow the conversation when there is more than one other person. I would often end up feeling stupid, as if I were a different species, and would come away exhausted. I was able to retire earlier than originally planned, and have for the most part avoided groups since then. 

I met one of my friends through walking my dog. I used to see her quite often and we would walk together and talk. The conversation was usually about our dogs, about canine behaviour, about other dogs we met, and sometimes about other people, TV programmes and books. I actually thought she was strange when we started walking together, because I thought she was asking me a lot of questions and people hadn’t usually paid me so much attention. This went on for some time before we met occasionally for lunch and then further occasions. Eventually something clicked in my brain and I realised she genuinely liked being with me. She isn’t autistic but I did eventually share my diagnosis with her, yet she has always been accepting of my dislike of groups, special interests and need for much time on my own.

I find it difficult to talk to people if I am not doing something that distracts from the focus. So that means going for a walk, visiting a museum, being in the audience at a talk or something like that. I think that has been helpful in moving the focus away from my social performance.

Have you any interests that could give you an opportunity to meet others, should you gather courage?  

No, no partner. I live alone. But I have massive social anxiety and I really struggle with group things so I just don't see a way to go out and meet people. It's also very rare that I properly develop a friendship. I don't know how people do it. There can be people that I can get along with when with them but it never seems to cross the line into actual friendship. Whereas other people seem to meet people and before long they've exchanged numbers and are messaging and meeting up etc. That's just not been my experience.

I would imagine it was very difficult and perhaps unlike you to let them into your world? This would certainly sting if you felt they could just cast away all your hard work and trust. 

Don’t give up hope. I think luck plays a part in finding friends, as well as effort. 

In my case it got easier with age, but my first close friendship didn’t really begin until I was in my 40s, with the remaining friendships only beginning within the last 11 years. 

Forgive me if I’m incorrect or you don’t want to say on this site, but I think you have a partner? I am divorced and I think that forced me to go out and try some new things, and it gave me the space to cultivate friendships. If you are with someone, please don’t think I’m suggesting you leave them. I’m just explaining the factors that contributed to my friendships. 

I think if it had started differently then maybe I could accept it being an infrequent friendship. But how much this person pushed and wanted in my life to then be acting so differently is really hard to accept. Knowing how important friends are to this person and how much joy people they like bring to them. Honestly I think I'd rather it was nothing at all than what it currently is.

Well, there’s no need to let go, as you get older friends are sort of there and not. It’s not like it is during your younger years where you do everything together and are constantly messaging each other etc. There’s sort of a natural distance probably caused mainly by more responsibilities, working too, a whole bunch of things. It also depends on what you are expecting from a friendship, it would be nice for it to be ideal but reality is often different from our own needs. 

It just seems this is the way my friendships always go. I thought it would get easier with age but it's just got harder.

They certainly made other friends. But that makes it feel worse. They have loads of options whilst I have noone. It just makes it really hard to let go.

I experienced similar situations when I was a younger adult.

I felt extremely hurt in particularly one situation as I believed I had invested considerable effort into being a good friend, yet my company wasn’t required on more and more occasions. I didn’t handle my feelings very well and the pain of rejection stayed with me for a long time. In hindsight, I realised that this “friend” and I shared little in common, so that was in addition to a lack of reciprocation.

I currently have good friends,  I would see each individually and not always often, but we always stay in touch. Our friendships developed through our love of dogs/archaeology.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any advice except to affirm yourself that you have been a good friend, and know that the other person did not share your values. Keep distracting yourself to help get through until the time when the pain will lessen. Hopefully, in time you will meet a friend or friends who will care about you.

Sometimes people in our lives don’t become distant on purpose unless you of course feel this is the case? Sometimes they just don’t make the effort because of other life experiences, they are having a bad time themselves or they have become friends or closer friends with other people. This wouldn’t be because of anything you have done wrong, it’s just how it goes. I can’t relate to your own story personally because I have few friends myself and the ones I do have are not the social types, they are most likely on the spectrum themselves. The only bit I can partially register as similar is that one of my friends (of the two) will tell me when he’s free, isn’t interested in my life really and I suspect we are only friends for the sake of having friends as bad as they may sound because other than autism we haven’t much in common.