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Gaslighting

Chloe1980

What experience have you guys had of gaslighting? So I think my husband has been gaslighting me, it’s pretty obvious to me now I know I’m autistic but I questioned it for years , now I’m unmasking I confront him on it, it happens about twice a day he will say something , usually hurtful but not obviously so then later when I’ve absorbed it he says no I didn’t say that , when did I say it? And get loud and upset. I have been pushing it more and not accepting it like I used to then he says he does t remember saying it and says why would I say that? And I say I don’t kniw, you tell me? For years I thought I was crazy but I’m not he says these things. Oh and also sometimes he admits to saying the thing but now he knows I’m autistic he says ive taken it the wrong way, so it a mix of all that.

  • Chloe1980 said:
    he will say something , usually hurtful but not obviously so then later when I’ve absorbed it he says no I didn’t say that , when did I say it? And get loud and upset.

    I often find it impossible to recall what I said 10 minutes before nevermind half a day or whatever - my short term memory buffer for stuff is poor for things that are not meaningful to me.

    Have you changed in your sensitivity and response to the things he says? I mean if he said the same things pre-diagnosis would you have the same response? From what you described he is being the same as he has always been but now you have become much more emotionaly volatile.

    I understand where you are coming from but it may help to consider that he may have trouble changing to adapt to the new, highly volatile you.

    It may help to get some couples counselling with a therapist who understands the dynamics of a NT/ND relationship.

    TheCatWoman said:
    It sounds like a total power play

    If it is done intentionally then yes, but do you think you could be seeing this through the filter of your past traumas? We only know one side of this story.

  • Yep, loads of times, from loads of people, even from an ASC support worker.

    It sounds like a total power play, 'oh I didn't mean it like that', the words of all bullies, have you tried recording him? I think with gas lighting, so much of it is tone of voice, the words themselves may not be insulting, but the way they're said is hurtful. I think it's hard when you doubt yourself about actually hearing what you heard. have you asked him how you're supposed to take his comments?

  • Hello Chloe1980, since we are on an autism forum, does your husband show any likelihood of being on the spectrum himself? Not saying that gaslighting is a typical autistic trait but it’s used to mask a fragile ego, one that cannot take any type of criticism. Sometimes neurodivergents attract, I’m just guessing at this point.

  • Oh man I dealt with someone that acted that way back in high school that messed me up really bad. I totally understand:

    Chloe1980 said:
    usually hurtful but not obviously so then later when I’ve absorbed it

    The same thing would happen to me where I wouldn’t recognize it as a hurtful statement at first, but then over time realize how messed up it was. As time went on I became more hyper-vigilant and eventually became able to recognize it as it was said. I still remember clearly what she said that I finally called her out on it in the moment. “Somebody needs some DO” (she mumbled that to make me think I needed deodorant, I didn’t need it). So I snapped around and said sternly: “What was that?” She was shocked and responded “Uh, nothing. I didn’t say anything.” So I said “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

    That was the last time she bothered to gaslight me ever again. Or even speak to me, now that I think about it. She knew I couldn’t be fooled anymore.

    I tell this story to say that eventually you’ll be able to recognize it in the moment, now that you’re aware that you’re being consistently gaslit. Once you call this person out in the moment, it’ll make it clear that behavior is not acceptable. I really hate that Autistic people like us get bullied because we’re not as able to pick up cues or meanings right away.