friendship

Volvox said:

Damo, thank you so much again for suggesting PDA.

You're very welcome. Glad to help.

You'll find more on PDA here on NAS, at Reframing Autism and lots of other places. It doesn't mean you friend has this profile, but it might give you a better sense of how different minds might work.

There's also a useful guide to being an autistic ally on that RA site. There's a lot of reading, but you seem like you care a lot for your friend and want the best for her, so maybe give it a go.

Damo, thank you so much again for suggesting PDA. That could be why she ignores my instructions not to wander off. It makes enormous sense.

I had to laugh – one of my friend's goals is alcohol – and when she achieves a glass of wine her behaviour gets even worse! I, on the other hand, have to stay sober. If only I was the level-headed type, but unfortunately I am chronically anxious. I need to let her wander and stop worrying.

I hadn't heard of PDA and had to look it up, and actually it does make sense. I can build that into my arsenal of coping-with-friend techniques. All the rest of the traits you mention: yes, she has those but definitely not ADHD. 

Unfortunately even when her challenging behaviour isn't her fault and I accept that, it doesn't stop me getting hugely stressed… it's just the way I am 

Volvox said:

she keeps wandering off without telling me

Any pattern to what input your friend seems to seek and enjoy during the wandering off excursions?  (Sensory seeking, perhaps?).

I ask because I used to have an adult relative inclined to disappear on fascinating solo adventures when we were out together somewhere. 

Once I had realised they were often drawn towards somewhere playing music or some sound effect; on arrival at a new venue, we used to set one of those places as the agreed "see you back here" place (just in case).  E.g. in a shopping centre; it might be outside a clothes shop usually playing chart topping music you can hear from outside / in a city centre; it might be under a clock tower which chimes the quarters.

The scenario which I unfortunately did not manage to solve: was when the wanderlust attraction was a random cat or dog having been sighted.

It can also be a good idea to enjoy taking a selfie together (on arrival somewhere out) to mark the occasion and be able to show friends and family another day - the things enjoyed together on your friend's visit (...plus, to help you be sure of their attire and hair style that day - in case you need help from shop security personnel to locate your friend later).  Top tip: immediately share the image to your friend's mobile too (...in case they ask for help to find you!).

Volvox said:

Out of interest, is not taking responsibility for yourself, but letting others look out for you, a particularly autistic trait? I think it's just her being wayward but it would be easier to forgive her if I knew she couldn't help it.

Never heard of being irresponsible as a trait before. Getting lost easily, finding it hard to follow directions or maps, forgetting instructions, needing things to be written down, resisting being told what to do (PDA), etc. might be related to autism. OTOH, perhaps she has a bit of learned helplessness that she needs to unlearn.

ADHD co-occurs in about half of autistic people (within a large margin of error). That might explain an impulse to go exploring, seek novelties, take risks, etc.

So, it is quite possible that much of her behaviour that stresses you out is not her fault. She cannot help it. It's the way she is. Her brain works differently to yours in ways that, yes, you might find frustrating at times. So don't blame her for any of that. However, if you offer support and advice that she ignores, then she needs to take responsibility for the consequences and those are not on you.

Out of interest, is not taking responsibility for yourself, but letting others look out for you, a particularly autistic trait? I think it's just her being wayward but it would be easier to forgive her if I knew she couldn't help it.

It's all a great idea but I think she would take it as a licence to wander off even more!

I could try the air tag idea – I think she would be outraged (doesn't take much) with being tracked, but damo, I think you are right: it is not my responsibility and that's why I get so angry and stressed. I told her again and again not to wander off without telling me but she just did, regardless. And of course this is only one of her many infuriating habits that reduce me to a quivering wreck. I will see how I feel next year.

Damojo said:

your friend is an adult, so let her sort all that out for herself. It is not your responsibility.

A big benefit of lending Volvox 's visitor an AirTag would be avoiding putting them to any inconvenience or making them feel unduly awkward. Nor do they need to have any technical knowledge or capability.

All they'd need to do is pop it into their bag or pocket - and ideally remember to return it before they head home to the other end of the country. Even then, it could easily be posted back if taken home accidentally.

You can share locations in Google Maps, Snapchat and WhatsApp, too. Also, the satnav on a phone works perfectly well when you're on foot (outdoors).

But, your friend is an adult, so let her sort all that out for herself. It is not your responsibility.

There are some technology-based options that can help with this.

One example of this, if you're both using Apple devices, is their "Find My" feature. It includes "Precision Finding", which can help you to locate her even among a big crowd. If you have a compatible iPhone but your friend doesn't, then you could lend her an AirTag and track her using that.

Apple - Find My (scroll down to Find your friends)

Apple - Find your keys, rucksack and more with AirTag and Find My

Ah, that makes sense. Well then you will certainly get a sizable break then!

It's only once a year and she lives the other end of the country so needs to be a reasonable chunk of time (needless to say she'd like to stay longer but I say no!). 

Oh, I love it! Why didn't I think of something so simple? I will suggest it next time. I do need to try and treat her more as the adult she is.

Sounds like you may need a break. I wouldn’t completely write off her spending time with you, though. Three days might be a lot, so maybe next time reducing it to a day or two would be less taxing?

I'm assuming your friend is an adult.

Give her your address on a piece of paper. The next time she gets lost, she can get a cab back. Your work here is done.