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friendship

Volvox

My autistic friend has been to stay with me for three days and I'm completely drained (she had a lovely time). I'm at the point of saying she can't come again but she would be so puzzled and hurt. One of the many problems is that she keeps wandering off without telling me, which means I must keep constant tabs on her. If I lose sight of her she can't find her way around or to a tube station (I'm in London) and can't describe her surroundings to me on her mobile, or find me, but if I give her directions or whatever she accuses me of babying her – which I am, of course. Ideally I'd put her on a rein!!! It is incredibly stressful for me (she is oblivious) and I end up in tears. I really really don't know what to do.

Parents Reply
  • in reply to Damojo
    Damojo said:
    your friend is an adult, so let her sort all that out for herself. It is not your responsibility.

    A big benefit of lending  's visitor an AirTag would be avoiding putting them to any inconvenience or making them feel unduly awkward. Nor do they need to have any technical knowledge or capability.

    All they'd need to do is pop it into their bag or pocket - and ideally remember to return it before they head home to the other end of the country. Even then, it could easily be posted back if taken home accidentally.

Children
  • in reply to Volvox
    Volvox said:
    Damo, thank you so much again for suggesting PDA.

    You're very welcome. Glad to help.

    You'll find more on PDA here on NAS, at Reframing Autism and lots of other places. It doesn't mean you friend has this profile, but it might give you a better sense of how different minds might work.

    There's also a useful guide to being an autistic ally on that RA site. There's a lot of reading, but you seem like you care a lot for your friend and want the best for her, so maybe give it a go.

  • in reply to Damojo

    Damo, thank you so much again for suggesting PDA. That could be why she ignores my instructions not to wander off. It makes enormous sense.

  • in reply to Damojo

    I hadn't heard of PDA and had to look it up, and actually it does make sense. I can build that into my arsenal of coping-with-friend techniques. All the rest of the traits you mention: yes, she has those but definitely not ADHD. 

    Unfortunately even when her challenging behaviour isn't her fault and I accept that, it doesn't stop me getting hugely stressed… it's just the way I am Wink

  • in reply to Volvox
    Volvox said:
    Out of interest, is not taking responsibility for yourself, but letting others look out for you, a particularly autistic trait? I think it's just her being wayward but it would be easier to forgive her if I knew she couldn't help it.

    Never heard of being irresponsible as a trait before. Getting lost easily, finding it hard to follow directions or maps, forgetting instructions, needing things to be written down, resisting being told what to do (PDA), etc. might be related to autism. OTOH, perhaps she has a bit of learned helplessness that she needs to unlearn.

    ADHD co-occurs in about half of autistic people (within a large margin of error). That might explain an impulse to go exploring, seek novelties, take risks, etc.

    So, it is quite possible that much of her behaviour that stresses you out is not her fault. She cannot help it. It's the way she is. Her brain works differently to yours in ways that, yes, you might find frustrating at times. So don't blame her for any of that. However, if you offer support and advice that she ignores, then she needs to take responsibility for the consequences and those are not on you.

  • in reply to Bunny

    Out of interest, is not taking responsibility for yourself, but letting others look out for you, a particularly autistic trait? I think it's just her being wayward but it would be easier to forgive her if I knew she couldn't help it.

  • in reply to Bunny

    It's all a great idea but I think she would take it as a licence to wander off even more!