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Thoughts on seeking partnerships

Mercury

This is a well trodden topic, but I thought I might share some of my thoughts on it.  For many years now, the concept of partnership has occupied my mind constantly.  Now instead of just asking "how?" I ask "why?". 

My answer is to gain access to wider social circles and opportunities, gain emotional and moral support, personal enrichment and most of all a greater chance of survival.

Another important question is "what do I have to offer in exchange for this person's trust and attention, how can I make this work?".  At present I feel it would be unfair for the other person as I feel incomplete and incompetent, unless they too were a novice and we could learn together.

Expanding on "why?", my reasons are to remedy isolation, improve empathy and life skills by caring and living for another and understanding what real "love" feels like, increasing my and their's chances of survival and quality of life.

Also, if my would be partner was either neurotypical or divergent, it might influence the trajectory and ultimate destination of the relationship, depending on their ambitions, goals and interests.

  • Last time I joined a volunteering group at a community farm, the supervisor began a conversation with me, and just as I was getting going, they left.  I want interaction that is two way, where I'm not just reiterating my origin story or precious interests just to be cast aside and forgotten as soon as I leave.  I've never once had somebody tell me about themselves or any relationship outside of professional or transactional (like counselling).

    I know about boundaries but I'm fed up of trusting myself to open up to somebody only to be disregarded.  Or if I'm seen as boring, immature or too unattractive.

    Is it fated to be like Aesop's fable of the fox who can't reach the grapes up the tree and convinces itself they aren't worth getting and gives up?

  • Thanks for all your input.  I'll take this into account as I trudge through life and hold onto hope that eventually I'll be ready and know when I've found the right people.

  • Mercury said:
    Another important question is "what do I have to offer in exchange for this person's trust and attention, how can I make this work?"

    One way of looking at this (which my therapist made me look long and hard at) is "who are you to judge what the other person will think of you? Let them decide".

    I think a lot of my insecurities and that of many othe autists stems from lack of self love, of being aware of our good qualities and valuing them.

    When you ask someone close to you list out your qualities it can be quite surprising what they say as it rarely matches our self image. This probably means we undervalue ourselves.

    My approach to the whole partnership thing is that I'm not going out looking to find a long term partner, I'm just going out to meet people with shared interests to enjoy some time with them and see if our values align and if there is the mutual spark of attraction, then just take it from date to date and try not to plan 200 steps ahead OR catastrophise that I'll inevitably mess up.

    Learning to enjoy the present moment, just sharing time with someone doing something we both like (eating good food is a good bonding exercise for me) without placing a load of rules and prerequisites is the goal. Anything that grows from this is a bonus and if it doesn't work out then we still enjoyed a great meal.

  • in reply to profdanger

    You make an excellent point.  I have never really experienced that but it sure sounds nice.

  • Mercury said:
    At present I feel it would be unfair for the other person as I feel incomplete and incompetent, unless they too were a novice and we could learn together.

    Well the fun part about that is that everyone is in some way incomplete and incompetent. There is no way you would ever find someone that isn’t.

    Also it’s interesting you mention the potential differences between having a ND and a NT partner. I have a NT wife, and it’s pretty interesting how our relationship has evolved, especially since I was diagnosed. One thing we have noticed is that because of me and my daughter being ND my wife has started living “more Autistically.”. For example she’s more likely to avoid crowds now and her diet has become a little less diverse. On the other hand, I’ve had to be a little more adventurous to keep up with her lol.

    All in all, everyone is incomplete and when you enter into a partnership you fill each other up a little bit.