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Thoughts on seeking partnerships

Mercury

This is a well trodden topic, but I thought I might share some of my thoughts on it.  For many years now, the concept of partnership has occupied my mind constantly.  Now instead of just asking "how?" I ask "why?". 

My answer is to gain access to wider social circles and opportunities, gain emotional and moral support, personal enrichment and most of all a greater chance of survival.

Another important question is "what do I have to offer in exchange for this person's trust and attention, how can I make this work?".  At present I feel it would be unfair for the other person as I feel incomplete and incompetent, unless they too were a novice and we could learn together.

Expanding on "why?", my reasons are to remedy isolation, improve empathy and life skills by caring and living for another and understanding what real "love" feels like, increasing my and their's chances of survival and quality of life.

Also, if my would be partner was either neurotypical or divergent, it might influence the trajectory and ultimate destination of the relationship, depending on their ambitions, goals and interests.

Parents
  • Mercury said:
    Another important question is "what do I have to offer in exchange for this person's trust and attention, how can I make this work?"

    One way of looking at this (which my therapist made me look long and hard at) is "who are you to judge what the other person will think of you? Let them decide".

    I think a lot of my insecurities and that of many othe autists stems from lack of self love, of being aware of our good qualities and valuing them.

    When you ask someone close to you list out your qualities it can be quite surprising what they say as it rarely matches our self image. This probably means we undervalue ourselves.

    My approach to the whole partnership thing is that I'm not going out looking to find a long term partner, I'm just going out to meet people with shared interests to enjoy some time with them and see if our values align and if there is the mutual spark of attraction, then just take it from date to date and try not to plan 200 steps ahead OR catastrophise that I'll inevitably mess up.

    Learning to enjoy the present moment, just sharing time with someone doing something we both like (eating good food is a good bonding exercise for me) without placing a load of rules and prerequisites is the goal. Anything that grows from this is a bonus and if it doesn't work out then we still enjoyed a great meal.

Reply
  • Mercury said:
    Another important question is "what do I have to offer in exchange for this person's trust and attention, how can I make this work?"

    One way of looking at this (which my therapist made me look long and hard at) is "who are you to judge what the other person will think of you? Let them decide".

    I think a lot of my insecurities and that of many othe autists stems from lack of self love, of being aware of our good qualities and valuing them.

    When you ask someone close to you list out your qualities it can be quite surprising what they say as it rarely matches our self image. This probably means we undervalue ourselves.

    My approach to the whole partnership thing is that I'm not going out looking to find a long term partner, I'm just going out to meet people with shared interests to enjoy some time with them and see if our values align and if there is the mutual spark of attraction, then just take it from date to date and try not to plan 200 steps ahead OR catastrophise that I'll inevitably mess up.

    Learning to enjoy the present moment, just sharing time with someone doing something we both like (eating good food is a good bonding exercise for me) without placing a load of rules and prerequisites is the goal. Anything that grows from this is a bonus and if it doesn't work out then we still enjoyed a great meal.

Children
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