I hate being autistic

I struggle to interact with other Autistic people as they can be quite overwhelming, not knowing when to back off or leave me alone. I went to a mental health group a while back and i think there were some autistic people in it and now they constantly bother me when i am reading etc..
I feel i will be alone for a long period because i feel this way..

Also benefits i have sorted just the thought of continuing on like this with no prospects of holidays etc is not a pretty future for me hence assisted dying is appealing

Kvothe said:

the world will never accept you

Everyone has other people who don't accept them. Neurotypical people form groups or cliques with other similar people and some of them will attack others who are "different" , not just because of a disability like autism, but because they are a different race, different religion, etc, etc. It's more difficult if you are alone and have no group to support you, but that's why a lot of autistic adults become members here - it can give a sense of belonging and support.

Human interaction and relationships can be very difficult when one is autistic, but it is sometimes easier to relate to others on the spectrum. Perhaps you could find an autistic meet up group near you, not necessarily to find a partner if you are uncomfortable with intimacy, just to maybe make friends. Many autistic people find they only need one good friend, we don't all need to be part of a big group.

Society always needs scapegoats - people to blame for society's problems - and it seems that at the moment, anyone who finds it difficult or impossible to work is being used for that purpose. I.don't know if this affects you, but if so you have my utmost sympathy. Unfortunately I don't have knowledge of disability benefits, but if you're struggling getting them or are under threat of them being taken away, if you post details I'm sure someone on here would give you some advice.

You say you worry about pensions. I'm retired now, and I can say that it's much better than having to work or try to get working age benefits. You can get housing benefit if you rent, sometimes help with paying council tax, the winter fuel allowance has been reinstated, and you get free bus travel, prescriptions and eye tests. If your pension is below a certain amount you can also claim pension credit. And you don't have to have difficult interviews to get benefits, you just claim it all online because you're no longer expected to work. I love being retired.

I also think that the assisted dying bill is a good thing, but only in certain circumstances. I don't think it's a good idea to focus on that, when it's possible your life might get better. Please try planning ways to make your life happier - sometimes unexpected things can happen.

I wish you well.

I finished a course of CBT this year but this was before I had my diagnosis. I did explain to the practitioner that I suspected I was autistic and wasn’t sure if the self help therapy they did would be able to work constructively with the way that I think. 

TheCatWoman said:

Did anyone get a diagnosis in the 90's?

Autism was only added to the DSM in the 1980s with it focussing on childhoold autism. In 1994 Aspergers Syndrome was added to the DSM which accounts for most adult diagnoses of the time.

The diagnostic process would be in its infancy in the 80s and 90s and the numbers of diagnosed patients incredibly small initially and the medical world had a long, slow training curve in learning what the criteria were for suspected cases.

source - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_autism 

The real growth in diagnoses only really happened with the internet age and accessability to knowledge about the traits and options for assessments.

We are still in a backlog situation with the assessments and I suspect this will take up to a decade to work its way through the the present and future adult assessments to get to the point where they can focus on catching it at school age.

I don’t like aspects of autism that can result in distress and exhaustion when navigating a non-autistic world.

On the positive side, I like being me. My ability to focus intensely on my interests and become knowledgeable in certain areas is probably because I am autistic.

I noticed that you said mindfulness helps a little. I too find mindfulness helpful, especially in keeping unwanted thoughts away, but it also allows me to focus on what I can do in the present.

The negativity around autism and disability is shocking, but it isn’t the whole world thinking like that, despite the media constantly pushing that narrative. I hope you can eventually start to feel better about yourself and accept the person you are. 

Kvothe said:

Anyone else hate autism?

I keep telling myself, "No, I don't hate it. No, I don't hate it. No ..." What other choice do I have? I try to pay attention to all the little ways that Autism does not suck—those frequent joyful moments; my positive traits—and try to muddle through with the rest. As a late-diagnosed person, Autism came more as an explanation than a sentence, so I'm encouraging myself to be positive about it.

CBT dosen't seem to help a lot of ND people.

I've always felt that I've been playing at being intimate, I have to conciously remember what to do, now I don't bother, it's more hassle than its worth.

Did anyone get a diagnosis in the 90's? I think the criteria have changed a lot since then, become wider as before they were far to narrow.

There's an article in today Guardian newspaper by Gina Rippon on why the increase in diagnosis is a good thing as to many people were being missed.

You’re normal, it’s everyone else who is different 

CBT did not work for me i had it numerous times and its the only available therapy in my area, mindfulness helps a little.

The autism has ruined my life from day one, the problem i had in the 90s was it wasnt diagnosed so i kept having meltdowns and got no help. 

I just wish i was normal so i can get my life in order before its too late..  

not understanding human connection and normal humans is the worst i just dont get how they interact on a basic level and intimately 

I’m sorry that you feel this way. As our autistic traits are a part of who we are consequently to hate your autism is a form of self hatred - and self hatred is something that can only lead to more unhappiness and problems in your life. 
When our autistic traits are making life feel so hard and exhausting it’s not surprising that we can start feeling the way you do at the moment. However with time and effort we can work at improving our state of mind and our attitudes to ourselves and the way our autistic traits shape our lives. This really is possible. The fact that you are considering it better to die clearly points to clinical depression - and depression can be treated with things like CBT and mindfulness. There really is hope - so don’t give up on life. Things really can change for the better.