I feel nothing

Good to hear that.

aurelis said:

I’ve got a counselling meeting next week - never had such a thing before, so I’m completely new to it. I don’t know if it’s the same as therapy,

Counselling and psycotherapy are closely related. Psychotherapists are typically more educated (no insult to theraists but the qualification requirement to be called a psychotherapist is normally quite high) and are more likely to have been trained on autism and its treatments.

I would start the session with asking the counsellor what their training on autism has been and how many autistic clients have the successfully helped. A vague response would indicate they possibly don't know their stuff.

What do you want from the therapy? I would start with writing down the issues you have that you want help with. Start with a few words on each until all the big issues are written down then for each add a sentance that starts to explain it.

Cycle through the issues until you have nothing more to add then write these up into a list of bullet points to talk about and have them re-written in a way to explain them to someone.

Think about which ones you want to stop, change, be accepted, understand etc - try to hold the issue up to the light and see what it means to you and how you want it to be in future.

That is how I would do it anyway.

I’ve got a counselling meeting next week - never had such a thing before, so I’m completely new to it. I don’t know if it’s the same as therapy, but I did get it through my mental health service at work. I asked for someone experienced in autists.

They asked me to prepare what I want to get out of the sessions. Any thoughts about getting ready for first session?

Thanks for the message. The holiday was really interesting. I didn’t feel strong emotions being away from home. I didn’t feel super excited about the fact most of the time. I did allow myself to feel, without expectation. And I felt myself really slow down for the first time in a long time.

what I did try the other day was getting my bike out and going for a ride! Not done that in a decade I think. No music, and just head to the park and called a few friends. It was great, and was a needed distraction too!

aurelis said:

I have been confronting a lot unpleasant thoughts that I realised I had, and now really horrified that I have some thoughts

I think this is actually pretty normal - ask any therapist and they can confirm this.

If you have a therapist then they are the one to guide you through the process as taking shortcuts or avoiding it are all too common deviations we take. If you don't have a therapist then I strongly recommend getting one - just make sure they are experienced in helping autists as I've met a few who didn't know how we "tick".

There is nothing worng with having the odd terrible thought but the issues start when you begin to voice them to others or act on them. This point of escalation is when you need to get help.

I hear that, the thing is when I was younger, I thought everything I enjoyed I needed to turn it into something that could be shared or “monetized”, or it had to lead to some big thing. So doing that for a long time has made me jaded about a lot of my passions. especially the thought of “x thing by a certain age”

The good thing is that genuinely have time to relearn, and to slow down, and although I feel bad for doing that (seeing my friends, neurotypical or not, going through life and having to deal with life whilst I’m not growing so quick), it is a nice space to try and find that spark back.

i like the sentiment of a beginning of a huge change. I hope so, although im definitely going down an unknown path that is so unfamiliar!

this seems really useful, although I’m pretty bad at committing things to paper and following up on it.

however, I have been confronting a lot unpleasant thoughts that I realised I had, and now really horrified that I have some thoughts (in terms of the really unhelpful and crippling ways I think and perceive the world) and sitting with them a lot more.

I don't think you are feeling "nothing" - It sounds like you could be having trouble identifying your feelings. I know I have often had that problem, particularly when under stress.

Paul Ekman, a leading psychologist and emotions researcher, developed an "atlas of emotions" which puts them into 5 categories: Anger, Fear, Sadness, Disgust and Enjoyment.

Here are some of the emotions you may be feeling:

Lonely (a sadness emotion-)- no matter how many people you have around you, it's possible to still feel lonely if you don't feel a connection to them.

Worried (a fear emotion) - you say you are scared that by slowing down you will will be unable to feel connected

Confused (a fear emotion) - you say your thoughts are really jumbled

The tips that are given to help deal with these feelings are:

Sadness - It might help to talk about it (as you are doing here) but it also might help to sit with your feelings for a while or express them creatively. Doing something to help others may help you to feel more connection to other people.

Fear: ruminating, or letting the same thoughts play out over and over again, can have a negative impact on your mental health, and can make fear worse. Try to do something distracting - watch a movie, listen to a podcast, try out a new recipe, go for a walk or jog. When you feel up to it, you could also ask one of those loving people you have around you if they want to join in with an activity - this also could help you start to feel connected.

I think you are maybe reacting to recent changes in your life - first going away on holiday, which is a different environment and routine, and now getting settled back at home. Give it time - your brain probably just needs to process it all. I wish you well.

aurelis said:

now my thoughts are really jumbled

When I feel this way I get out some sheets of paper and start dumping the thoughts on my head onto post-it notes then laying them on the paper, then when I have got all the thoughts down I can look at them, see where they connect and arrange them to see where the gaps are and these are the thoughts I'm trying not to thing about.

I'll focus on these as hard as I can to nibble away around the issues until I can see what it probably in then give it a whole sheet of paper to itself with all the bits of thoughts laid out around it - it often helps me build up a better picture of what I'm afraid to think about and to drag it screaming and kicking into the light.

It isn't easy and certainly isn't comfortable but getting those thoughts stuck down and made manifest helps me tremendously.

Another advantage of the capturing process is that it stops the thoughts buzzing around as it they are afraid of being forgotten.

At the end of the day you now have something to talk about as well - this is a variant of the mind mapping process and it can be used to help you achieve quite remarkable things when used properly.

Since I know a little about your skills and interests, it sounds like you might be hitting a bit of a writer’s block. That can definitely happen and hit hard, especially after a big project. If I’m right, then this might be a great time for reevaluation. Try to relearn what you’re passionate about and what it is you want to do. Or maybe try to analyze things you used to be passionate about and figure out what made you so interested in them?

Writer’s block is horrible and it can really make you feel useless, like there’s nothing you can contribute. However, the best part about them is that they sometimes they mark the beginning of a huge change.