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I feel nothing

aurelis

I’ve recently come back from holiday, and I’m back home. I feel nothing. It’s interesting because I’ve slowed down a lot and tried not to run as fast as I did in the past in trying to keep up with everything else. But now I feel nothing, I have nothing to share and open with anyone, nothing that I want to anyway, and feel as if I’m existing as a vessel. I have loving people around me and still feel nothing. It’s the thing that I’ve always been afraid of and now I’m face to face with it and I can’t run away anymore. It hurts, that I feel no purpose towards anything, and I really don’t know if I did. I feel as if all my friendships consisted of me listening to the other person rather than being able to share my thoughts, and now my thoughts are really jumbled.

The holiday made me slow down and soak things up more, and I’m trying to seek time of slowing down and doing nothing. But I’m scared that by doing that, the thing I’ve been chasing most of my life (wanting to feel connected and feel meaning to life) will completely disappear and I’ll lose myself entirely. I really want to genuinely feel, but I can’t genuinely generate that feel.

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  • aurelis said:
    now my thoughts are really jumbled

    When I feel this way I get out some sheets of paper and start dumping the thoughts on my head onto post-it notes then laying them on the paper, then when I have got all the thoughts down I can look at them, see where they connect and arrange them to see where the gaps are and these are the thoughts I'm trying not to thing about.

    I'll focus on these as hard as I can to nibble away around the issues until I can see what it probably in then give it a whole sheet of paper to itself with all the bits of thoughts laid out around it - it often helps me build up a better picture of what I'm afraid to think about and to drag it screaming and kicking into the light.

    It isn't easy and certainly isn't comfortable but getting those thoughts stuck down and made manifest helps me tremendously.

    Another advantage of the capturing process is that it stops the thoughts buzzing around as it they are afraid of being forgotten.

    At the end of the day you now have something to talk about as well - this is a variant of the mind mapping process and it can be used to help you achieve quite remarkable things when used properly.

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  • aurelis said:
    now my thoughts are really jumbled

    When I feel this way I get out some sheets of paper and start dumping the thoughts on my head onto post-it notes then laying them on the paper, then when I have got all the thoughts down I can look at them, see where they connect and arrange them to see where the gaps are and these are the thoughts I'm trying not to thing about.

    I'll focus on these as hard as I can to nibble away around the issues until I can see what it probably in then give it a whole sheet of paper to itself with all the bits of thoughts laid out around it - it often helps me build up a better picture of what I'm afraid to think about and to drag it screaming and kicking into the light.

    It isn't easy and certainly isn't comfortable but getting those thoughts stuck down and made manifest helps me tremendously.

    Another advantage of the capturing process is that it stops the thoughts buzzing around as it they are afraid of being forgotten.

    At the end of the day you now have something to talk about as well - this is a variant of the mind mapping process and it can be used to help you achieve quite remarkable things when used properly.

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  • in reply to Iain

    this seems really useful, although I’m pretty bad at committing things to paper and following up on it.

    however, I have been confronting a lot unpleasant thoughts that I realised I had, and now really horrified that I have some thoughts (in terms of the really unhelpful and crippling ways I think and perceive the world) and sitting with them a lot more.