In Denial

He will of course have been influenced by people at school, the internet, tiktok, media, etc. rightly or wrongly.

Autism is also called a disorder (ASD), and it is considered a disability. So the terminology is not necessarily helpful in promoting a positive or neutral view. While things are getting better, among the uninformed, of which I was one 6 months ago, there is either a negative or confused view.

When it was suggested to me 30 years ago, I was very negative. I did not want to have a label, be different to other people, be excluded from certain jobs, etc. It was a different time and I was brought up with old fashioned and strict views.

I was trying desperately hard to be normal, fit in, have a career, have a relationship and support my partner. I had to be strong to help her.

To be told it was not enough and I was still different was not what I wanted to hear.

I was very stubborn and based everything on my own views, I did not trust other people.

I am not sure how you get through to someone like me. I suppose if I'd been diagnosed I would have had to accept it. 

I think people have to want to find out for themselves. All you can do is provide info and hope snippets sink in and an interest grows.

Hi all, thanks for your insights and suggestions.  He was diagnosed at around 4-5 years old and is never happy to talk about it but when he does you just see how much negativity he has towards himself.  He does open up to me at times and we do talk about coping strategies about some of his thoughts/behaviours.  I think removing the autism from the conversation might help (I don't relate it to all conversations, just when it is relevant).  However, I will try the problem and solution style.  I have been on some courses but I do need to do some more research maybe.  He just seems so resistant to any kind of help.  Even when looking and applying for other jobs, the family are trying to offer help but he is avoiding engaging and does not seem to take onboard what we are saying.  Its just a very frustrating time.

I agree. Gently help him to identify his own support needs. It will help if you know in advance what sort of needs they might be. Then you can offer some of that support. Professional support should also be considered, if that is what he wants.

Support can be as simple as offering to phone the dentist to make an appointment on his behalf, or buying him a set of noise-cancelling headphones for his birthday, or offering him the first choice of table and seat when meeting for coffee, or asking if he feels in the mood for a hug before you open your arms and make it feel compulsory. Little things can make a big difference.

It's up to him.

I managed to function without knowing for over 50 years, but it comes at a cost that may not have been necessary.

While pushing yourself is good and necessary, avoiding depression, burnout and some communication issues might be a good idea. Why make things harder for yourself than they need to be.

Other people don't need to know, but you can set some boundaries to make things a bit more manageable. Giving yourself some leeway helps.

It may also help to make any romantic encounters more likely to succeed.

Hello, i'm 54yo & only diagnosed 2 years ago. I feel pretty much the same as your nephew. I don't want anyone to know, i have managed for most of my life without knowing & i don't feel the need to tell anyone except my close family & the odd close friend.

It will definitely be affecting him though. i have not been able to ignore it. I have found my own coping mechanisms though & this has helped me & made me very resilient when dealing with the outside world.

I would advise that he finds someone to talk to whether thats you or a councillor, it will make his life so much easier. I tried locking it away in box but it really does not work. I'm sure with some guidance he will find his way through.

I hope that is of some comfort.

LemoniL said:

He has a very negative view of autism and sees it as a bad thing and does not want anyone to know he has it.

This reflects what I saw from the majority of the public when I was in the UK - it is seen as a mental health issue and that autists are somehow less / dangerous / weird etc.

While the weird part may be true the rest is not - we are just different but your nephew cannot overcome his prejudice then it is best to accept that this is his decision and support him in what he does.

The fact he has his diagnosis is a good thing - like knowing your blood group it informs you about something in your genetic makeup which may be useful to know at some point in time.

A helpful approach could be to notice which of his traits appear to be related to his autism and research ways other people cope with these, then if he discloses his struggles around any of these then recommend the tools to help him. There is no need to highlight his autism here, just see problem and solution.

I imagine he will ask where you found out about this and tell him you read it on an autism forum that you follow. Don't say it was for him, just that it is knowledge you picked up in life that may or may not help - his decision will be to decide on whether to try the tips.

With time I would imagine he will start to realise he is different to others and having you as a non-judgemental confidant who has helped him when he struggled then he will turn to you more. At this point I would recommend getting him to speak to a psychotherapist with experience of helping autists to help with specfic issues. He has to come to terms with his diagnosis at his own pace and a therapist would seem the best route to helping him initialy with whatever problem he has then with expanding into his other issues as time goes on.

At the end of the day you will need to respect his decisions and hopefully support him as best you can when he asks - trying to force the issues is a route to alienation in my experience. Patience is required.

Good luck.

Hi and welcome to the community.

In respect of the specific points / concerns that you've mentioned, both you and he might find the advice here helpful:

NAS - Employment

Includes:

• Deciding whether to tell employers you are autistic
• What support can I get at work as an autistic person?
• What are reasonable adjustments and when can they be requested?
• Deciding whether to tell employers you are autistic 

NAS - Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis

NAS - Autistic fatigue and burnout

It took me 22 years to accept my Autism diagnosis. With no explanation, information or support, I just wrote it off as the stereotypical prejudice against people in IT. I had suspected I was ADHD and that was confirmed, so that is all I took from the diagnosis and I disregarded the rest.

I ended up with burnout last year (not my first rodeo) and finally got around to trying to answer "why?". It was a question I was never able to answer before. However, Autism information is now much easier to access in many different forms (podcasts, books, blogs, websites, etc.). I stuck to only first-hand accounts by Autistic people. I went all-in on my Autism education and was astonished as I heard from people exactly like me. I *am* Autistic after all! That explains a lot.

For me, it was education that made the difference in my acceptance. Autism is not the inherently "bad thing" that I had assumed in my ignorance. I'm not broken, I'm just a bit different and I'm getting more comfortable with that. I'm now better able to identify my stressors/triggers and take steps to reduce their impact or understand their aftermath.

Have I told everyone? No. Only my wife. I am only starting to feel like I would be comfortable sharing this information with others as and when I think that sharing might serve a purpose, such as accommodating a support need. Even then, I would probably say something like, "Would you mind swapping seats? I feel very uncomfortable when there is a lot of noise and movement going on behind me." rather than, "Can I have your seat because I'm Autistic?" Anyway, time will tell.

Regarding your nephew. If his diagnosis is recent, it may take him time to accept it—maybe a long time. It's great that you have had open discussions with him, so use that connection to offer your support. Maybe he is concerned that you are trying to "out" him, so let him know that that is entirely his decision to make, you just want to be there for him if he needs you because you care about him. Maybe don't use the A-word and just ask him if he's feeling stressed and talk about what might be causing that and if it might be worth seeing his GP if his stress is becoming hard to manage.

Perhaps educate yourself in even more depth about Autism and the Autistic experience and share that casually with him over time (or go for the full infodump). He may become interested in finding out more himself. You could do worse than to start here: reframingautism.org.au/.../