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In Denial

LemoniL

Hi, I am an aunty of a young man with high functioning autism who is to some degree in denial about his diagnosis. He says he wants to pretend he does not have it and says it does not effect him. Although his traits may not be initially obvious to an outsider, over time you can see definite patterns/behaviour. He has a very negative view of autism and sees it as a bad thing and does not want anyone to know he has it. I have had open discussions with him about this to try challenge his line of though but he remains steadfast in his thinking. He has just started work and seems very flat in mood and I think he is struggling and feeling overwhelmed but is reluctant to accept suggestions/help. I wondered if anyone has been through something similar or can offer any insight of how to help him.

Parents
  • LemoniL said:
    He has a very negative view of autism and sees it as a bad thing and does not want anyone to know he has it.

    This reflects what I saw from the majority of the public when I was in the UK - it is seen as a mental health issue and that autists are somehow less / dangerous / weird etc.

    While the weird part may be true the rest is not - we are just different but your nephew cannot overcome his prejudice then it is best to accept that this is his decision and support him in what he does.

    The fact he has his diagnosis is a good thing - like knowing your blood group it informs you about something in your genetic makeup which may be useful to know at some point in time.

    A helpful approach could be to notice which of his traits appear to be related to his autism and research ways other people cope with these, then if he discloses his struggles around any of these then recommend the tools to help him. There is no need to highlight his autism here, just see problem and solution.

    I imagine he will ask where you found out about this and tell him you read it on an autism forum that you follow. Don't say it was for him, just that it is knowledge you picked up in life that may or may not help - his decision will be to decide on whether to try the tips.

    With time I would imagine he will start to realise he is different to others and having you as a non-judgemental confidant who has helped him when he struggled then he will turn to you more. At this point I would recommend getting him to speak to a psychotherapist with experience of helping autists to help with specfic issues. He has to come to terms with his diagnosis at his own pace and a therapist would seem the best route to helping him initialy with whatever problem he has then with expanding into his other issues as time goes on.

    At the end of the day you will need to respect his decisions and hopefully support him as best you can when he asks - trying to force the issues is a route to alienation in my experience. Patience is required.

    Good luck.

  • in reply to Iain

    I agree. Gently help him to identify his own support needs. It will help if you know in advance what sort of needs they might be. Then you can offer some of that support. Professional support should also be considered, if that is what he wants.

    Support can be as simple as offering to phone the dentist to make an appointment on his behalf, or buying him a set of noise-cancelling headphones for his birthday, or offering him the first choice of table and seat when meeting for coffee, or asking if he feels in the mood for a hug before you open your arms and make it feel compulsory. Little things can make a big difference.

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    I agree. Gently help him to identify his own support needs. It will help if you know in advance what sort of needs they might be. Then you can offer some of that support. Professional support should also be considered, if that is what he wants.

    Support can be as simple as offering to phone the dentist to make an appointment on his behalf, or buying him a set of noise-cancelling headphones for his birthday, or offering him the first choice of table and seat when meeting for coffee, or asking if he feels in the mood for a hug before you open your arms and make it feel compulsory. Little things can make a big difference.

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