Being misunderstood

Hi OAP - just joined the community having been diagnosed last month and seen your thread this evening. I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel and really empathise with you - the number of times I make a joke that just doesn’t land and then I get told I am being rude and have upset the people I’ve been talking with.

I too just take the path of least resistance/ hurt/ pain and just keep quiet and don’t say anything - then of course I’m told I’m being rude and unsociable so it feels like I cannot win.  It’s really hurtful as I feel I am totally honest and genuine and never intentionally try to upset people, especially friends, so such reactions feel like an injustice for me that I’m unable to defend myself from.

Not sure if that’s of help but please know I feel your pain and your post really resonated with me.

I had to move house due to a misunderstanding with a neighbour.  They complained that they genuinely thought I had a vendetta against them. They cited examples of when I had been horrible to them, and it was just all bullshit.

One time they had some roofing done and the roofer had to put up some scaffolding. Most of the way through the construction, over a weekend, the owners went up on the scaffold to paint their house from brown to white. Roofer arrived the next morning when I was in my garden. I saw that he did good work and asked him if he come and quote work on my roof. Roofer then asked me who had painted their house white over the weekend, and he looked pretty angry about it, saying 'if some painter was using my scaffold there's gonna be some trouble' and I realised he could get into a lot of trouble for allowing unauthorised users to go up on his scaffold, so I said nah, it was the owners who did it, no need to worry, it's their insurance not yours. Next thing I know the neighbours banging on my door saying I "reported" them. I tried to get them to *think* what the consequences would have been if I had said nothing and they said to mind my own business.

After that, they started inventing stuff, claiming I reported them for road tax evasion, and because of that [in another confrontation at my door] they decided to block my parking space on purpose. My denials only reinforced their conclusion. 

I guess it's impossible - if they've decided you did something wrong there's nothing you can say to them to get it right.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you said. But people can be in a bad mood. Also stress makes everyone sensitive to criticism.

I think some people don't know they need to brush their cat. The cat can manage without it, but brushing helps stop furballs and they like to be brushed. If you are nice to cats they tend to come to you, then it can become a nuisance.

I've seen you had a message which is good. Maybe it would be best to wait a while, as in a few days, before quitting WhatsApp groups in future.

It is easy to overthink or overreact and then regret it later. Which applies to the other people too. Everyone overreacts sometimes. But stopping things each time is how you lose friends and become isolated, so sometimes you need to just pause to see what will happen 

It is hard if you don't get an expected response, or consistent responses. I struggle with this as it is confusing and can be hurtful.

I am glad they sent you a message (once they had the chance to thing about that interaction and your intent).  That sounds like an important step forward.

I understand what you mean about a current incident reminding you about the echo of prior incidents.  Almost as though we have not been fortunate to acquire a suitable"archive" function. 

I try to remind myself: "...this is now ...that was then".

Thank you for the kindly comment about my latest experience - I just felt a bit blind-sided at the time - as it started from, literally, the very first interaction with the person, plus, I had zero expectation of any issue being likely (due to the total lack of any prior history or context between us). 

Mantra: perseverance will prevail!

Hi, I am so sorry about this. I know the feeling of when you try and be kind and they take it the wrong way. If they have got a huff that’s their problem not yours, you know you were only being polite and they should be more respectful of your words and should groom the cat more often. I have got issues with the people in the flat below me, they have an old dog and the owners aren’t very respectful of the community, they leave all the mess in the hallway and the hallways now stinks. I tried to be discreet and spray air freshener on my level and I also have an air purifier by my door due to my allergies and I didn’t know dogs were allowed in the flats at the time (still don’t think they are tbh). Well their dog ran upstairs and my door was open at the time and they noticed my purifier and of course the air freshener and got so annoyed with me I just ended up slamming the door and crying as I didn’t know what to say or do. I mean they had the cheek to tell me to turn my tv down but I didn’t think my tv was loud but it’s ok for them to have their dog wake me up at 3am and they have their tv on loud and talk loud. I know you can’t really keep control of where cats go but if you don’t want it to come to yours so you don’t have to talk to the neighbours then maybe try getting on of those cat scare gadgets so they won’t come near due to the noise. I hope you feel better soon and I’m so sorry you have neighbour issues too! Although it’s easier said than done just try do your own thing and avoid the neighbours, if they were nice enough they would apologise. Hope you have a better day! 

I've had a message subsequently saying they get what I was doing and why...but it reminds . triggers so many memories of incidents when similar has happened.

Sorry your experiences has been so negatifve too.

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling pretty low today - I wish for you: a more restful afternoon.

It sounded to me like you just had their cat's best interest in your heart. 

Particularly as you were aware the cat had been at your house a lot recently - and that possibly the pet owners may not have had the same amount of opportunity to notice the cat's shedding fur situation.

People can get stressed before a weekend away.  Let us hope they might have reconsidered their response - once they have had the chance to settle back into their home-life usual routines.

(I think that you tried your best, with good intent, sometimes comments just do not "land" how we might have hoped - and sometimes that is not of our influence or control).

Unfortunately, I also experienced a misunderstanding recently - probably "least said, soonest mended" - as the saying goes!

However, I will admit that I have since caught myself thinking about it now and again.  I really do not think, even with the benefit of hindsight, that I could have conducted myself better / differently.

In the instance of my particular "misunderstand-ee" - I have noticed them be really terse / harsh comment / flat-out rude - just towards me - at every meeting opportunity - and always in front of at least another person who knows them more than either of them know me yet - which is really odd - as I am so new to that group of people.

I have not taken the bait on any of my "misunderstand-ee" rounds of attempted provocation - and I do think other people have noticed that is the case. 

The last time I encountered them - I received a polite (albeit, grumpy, ...like someone had msybe had a word and told them to buck up their performance) "how are you?".  Baby steps of progress indeed!

Maybe, my "misunderstand-ee" is struggling with their own serious baggage - unknown to me.  Who knows. 

It is up to them to share with me their story (if that is appropriate). 

People in great physical / emotional pain, or stress, can sometimes exhibit unusual behaviour.  I suppose time will be my educator.

Therefore, I shall persevere with giving them space (to hopefully warm-up to me - at their own pace). 

In any event, I have decided not to become drawn into their vortex of odd behaviour. 

I am not there to become part of the entertainment!