Masks and Masking

I think as you didn't have a near age sibling your parents probably had two only children. A lot of people with sibling think onlies romaticise family life, I dont' think we do, it's often the hard bits we know we're missing, like how to sit down and eat dinner with someone you've just had a massive row with? Or seeing your parents be angry with someone else and it all be alright and they still love them. There are sll sorts of valuble life lessons that I think you just don't learn as an only and they effect your future relationships and friendships.

Well, if I tried to talk to people about video games when I was working, most of them looked at me like they thought I was a bit weird, and their attention shut off. So I think it's just a difference in what activities you like, and I don't think you should have to mask and act like you're interested if you're not. If you would like to be better informed and be able to discuss things like video games and AI though that's fine too.- as you know, we've had discussions about both on here so ask whatever questions you want.

I think I might have more understanding about what it's like to be an only child than many who have siblings - I was an only child for the first 5 years of my life, and effectively an only child up to about 8 or 9 really, when my sibling became old enough to start properly interacting with. But I lived in my own world a lot of the time. I also had my own bedroom, unlike many of my friends who had to share, and spent a lot of time in there on my own in my teens, playing music and playing my guitar. I can imagine what it's like to be an only child and I certainly don't feel sorry for those who are. To be honest, it's not something I've really thought about before.

I agree that it would be nice for us all to be our authentic selves all the time. I feel that I'm as close as.I.can get to that now I've retired, and I'm much more content than I used to be.

Stuart, I don't tend to go on websites about autism very often, I find them a bit confusing as I'm not that good with tech stuff

Lotus, I do know quite a few people who are into games and stuff, when I tell them that I've not played a computer game sinse the late 1980's, they tend to look at me like I'm about to sprout a second head and try and persaude me and talk to me about them. I'd like to be able to pretend my eyes haven't totally glazed over and I'm having a massive brain fart, some of it like Ai, I'd really like to be better informed about and be able to ask questions and discuss. The person I was aking about siblings was my ex husband, so it wasn't a random stranger, even I'm not that socially inept. One of the things I've noticed, is that people with siblings either don't really like them, or really love them, neither understand what it's like to be an only or try too. They either think we're spoilt, never considering the weight of parental expectations and attention can be overwhelming, or they just think we're weird and feel sorry for us. The reaction of those with siblings is often a topic of conversation between a group of onlies.

I do think everybody masks, but I suspect that NT's arrive on this planet with them ready made or can create them with speed and ease. It would be wonderful for us all to be able to be our authentic selves all the time, but I suspec tthat would create a lot of conflict and confusion for everybody.

I think I started going on silent retreats so as I could discover and become more and more my authentic self, I did find my authenticity, stuffed in the backk of a mental wardrobe behind all the masks I felt I had to wear since the age of 5 when I went to school. Maybe it was because of this relatively late introduction to everyones elses reality that I sort of knew masks existed and how to create them, I spent most of the next 30 years trying to find the right ones, or one.

Purelamdaphi, sorry I don't know what you mean?

Most people mask in various situations, but I think that autistic people have to think about it more - many of us plan out conversations in our heads, and we might learn behaviour or speech patterns which seem appropriate from reading novels or watching movies.

Sometimes it's difficult to work out what a mask is. For example, when my grocery delivery arrives, if I try to make small talk with the driver - being sympathetic if they've had to deal with roadworks, talking about the weather, thanking them for helping me, etc, is that a mask, or just being polite?

I think that people maybe wouldn't want to talk to you about what it's like to have siblings, firstly because it's an unexpected question and something theyve never thought about, and secondly because if they hate their siblings they are unlikely to say that to someone outside the family due to a sense of family loyalty. I had a sister and I'm quite happy to tell you what it was like. She arrived when I was five and I didn't really want a sibling - I was quite happy playing on my own or with my imaginary friend. Once she got to an age where she could join in with games, I was happy to play with her occasionally as being older I could direct the play and be in control. I didn't like her tantrums though and we didn't have a lot in common, so the relationship was always a bit difficult for me and.I've been estranged from her for many years now. I think the experience of having a sibling may be different for autistic people to those who aren't autistic, maybe neurotypical people bond better with their brothers and sisters - I don't know.

TheCatWoman said:

realised my previous thread about not getting games and the metaverse and stuff was a clumsy way of asking how do I create a mask appropriate to when I have to be in these situations, however infrequent they may be.

I'm curious about why you asked the community about gaming and metaverse stuff, and how this relates to masking? When would you be in a situation where you have to mask related to that? Is it if people ask if you like that stuff? 

This is the case for so many of us.

Being older and more accepting of things in general now, I have come to terms with the tension between unmasked and masked, or acting and conducting myself authentically. I think even non autistic people put on a public façade and find it hard to comprehend their authentic selves, although they wouldn’t find the process so exhausting.

White_Dragon said:

I am trying to split off what is the real me from this created personae.

Do you have some clear view on personal identity?
I guess depending on what position you have on this you'd have a relatively easy time reconciling your "true self" and personae constructed for masking purposes.
Example: a Bilgramian-like notion of identity, where you're the normative commitments in virtue of which you recognize yourself as being yourself, you can "justify" masking as a part of you by reasoning that your commitments are such that you'd prefer to have certain curated personalities for certain situations.

This whole masking topic I really struggle with and still trying to better understand myself. I am trying to split off what is the real me from this created personae. It’s not an easy process, currently building a bit of an identity board to see if that helps clarify things. When I look back and understand now masks have been a major form of defence and it’s still something I feel I need but at least I can tell that it is not the real me….very confusing 

Sometimes I do not know if I am being me, or acting the part of me. The me that I feel is appropriate for a particular occasion or situation. I think that the 'real me' and the 'social-construct me' have bled into one another to such an extent that they are no longer distinguishable. I don't worry about this, however, I am essentially pragmatic in disposition.

I don’t think that masking is always a bad thing. What is appropriate for one person in a specific situation might feel inappropriate for another person.

Some people are in situations where they are free to be their authentic selves because people are understanding and don’t make negative comments, or some people don’t care even if they hear negative comments. Rightly or wrongly, some situations require masking in order to achieve something like employment, promotion or invitations etc.

I mask in social situations because I don’t want to stand out and sometimes I want to fit in. The trade off is worth it as I would rather mask to get what I want rather than not mask and not obtain what I need. I have been doing this for so long that sometimes I don’t know what my authentic self is.

TheCatWoman said:

how do we create masks for situations we have no knowlege of and can't comprehend?

I don’t know. I think the more we mask in different situations, the more experienced we become in getting the right mask and setting the right tone, but it is an ongoing and exhausting work.

It would be very sad if masking was considered always a bad thing. It is up to the individual to decide.

Have you tried the CAT-Q test on the Embrace Autism website? There are 3 components, camouflaging masking and assimilation. I found it a hard test to do.

I think I only really have 1 or 2 modes. 

On my own mode, not on my own mode, which applies to work, cafes, shops, pubs, etc.

I think I am pretty consistent everywhere.

I realised a few weeks ago I am always polite and somewhat formal in nearly all interactions. I just thought it was good manners, but it may be I just like rules and etiquette as then you know what to do .

I think it is why I am ok in formal settings, but always found informal settings uncomfortable and dancing is scary.

It may be why all the people I meet tend to more like acquaintances than friends.