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Recommendations for coaching for business events

Nexus-7

I'm 47F and was diagnosed this year with autism and ADHD. I'm Managing Director of a small business and also Chair of Trustees of a small charity. In both these roles I am frequently required to go to events which involve socialising - such as conferences, networking events, meetings, etc. Also sometimes I am asked to speak - but I avoid this if at all possible. 

I have social phobia, and in my personal life I am extremely anti-social. But in my work life I have to attend these events. I find it excruciating and leading up to any event I have terrible anxiety and dread. Afterwards I play back and dissect every interaction thinking of all the things I said and did wrong, or how I could have been misinterpreted.

I'm super awkward, so even things like someone goes to hug me, or even worse the dreaded air kiss, I always seem to go to the wrong side and cause the interaction to be weird. One time I even went the wrong way for a kiss/hug, then laughed out of awkwardness, and as I was laughing they went in for an air kiss and my teeth hit their cheek. Other times I have accidentally said the wrong thing and offended people. I cringe when I think about these things even from years and years ago. I also experience brain freeze due to anxiety. 

I used to think maybe I was being paranoid but since my diagnosis I realise I'm not. This has made the issues even worse as I have lost all confidence. 

So, my question is do any of you have recommendations for coaching to help with this? I live in London but I'm open to doing it online also. 

Thank you! Grateful for this community. 

  • I had a family friend who really enjoyed their involvement, for many years, with the not for profit organisation - London Toastmasters Club. 

    I think their meetings are still in the SE1 area.

    They describe their club: "commitment to providing a supportive and inclusive environment where every member can thrive. With a diverse community of individuals from various backgrounds and professions".

    https://london-toastmasters.co.uk/index.html

    I understand that prospective members are able to visit a meeting for free as a gust of the club:

    https://www.toastmasters.org/Find-a-Club/06787373-london-toastmasters

    Here is an Autistic Toastmaster describing their experience of Toastmasters:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qTbhGrvnQq0&pp=ygUaTG9uZG9uIHRvYXN0bWFzdGVycyBhdXRpc20%3D

  • I have social phobia, but I find these things easier when I'm in a professional role and know why I'm there and what I'm there to do and talk about. I fiind good preparation essential to talking to groups, my most difficult audience was the WI, they were like school girls all whispering and gossiping to each other. I found myself unconciously copying behaviours I'd seen others do, like standing tall and quietly and looking at them, they soon stopped and paid attention. I try to then minimise as much as possible the time I then spend socialising with that group and stick to networking rather than trying to be friends, I'm friendly to everyone but friends with no one, then I go home and jibber and tweet to myself.

  • in reply to White_Dragon

    I can relate to this. I am also questioning what I have done with the last 35 years and whether I had my priorities right. It has been tough.

  • in reply to Nexus-7

    In respect of work I have pretty much stepped down from my role. The company is in looking at other things I could do but not sure where it’s going to go. Pretty extreme I suppose but I know I can’t go back k owing what I know now. If I would have known earlier I would not have pursued a career so much. I’ve given more or less thirty plus years to something I really in the end don’t value. I should have prioritised my health and happiness….now a bit late but….

  • in reply to White_Dragon

    Hi thank you for the reply. It’s good to hear I’m not alone. Would you mind me asking what kind of changes you made? 

  • Hi Nexus-7 an interesting user name, anyway good to have you here. I can certainly relate a little to what you are talking about. I’ve  had very similar experiences regarding the social stuff including similar episodes either very awkward kisses etc. I’ve always struggled with social things and not really understand why until recently becoming aware that I am autistic. After which, following a long stint of feeling sorry for myself I have become more comfortable with that understanding. I have made significant changes in respect to work which was a major cause of my anxiety and energy sapping. It was a tough thing to do after 30 years building a career but in my case I couldn’t go back to the old way. Realise that is not possible for everyone from a financial and security perspective. 

  • You've made it this far and still seem to be going, so you can't be that bad. If you think of all the interactions, including the good ones, how many were really a problem? The odd ones will stand out but maybe 95% were fine.

    It may be tempting to think you are bad at it, but maybe you aren't. Is there someone you trust who coul comment?

    Can you avoid the kissing ang hugging and just shake hands? I find it awkward, many people do.

    I think it is mostly just confidence. While you can have courses for presentations, or public speaking, I am not sure about general business socialising, seems to just be about appearing to be calm and being yourself 

    Most of the things I have done over the years were technical. If there was something I needed I would be on safe ground, but otherwise I could just stand around and wait for people to approach me. Also after the first few times I would often recognise a few people which helped. But if you actively have to meet lots of strangers I can see that is hard.

    Can you go with a colleague or sales manager and let them do some of the talking and introductions?

  • in reply to profdanger

    Thank you, I really appreciate your reply. It’s good to know I’m not alone! All the best to you as well. It sounds like you are doing great and meaningful work. 

  • Good morning, I don’t have much in the way of advice but I can say you’re not alone. I work as an employment specialist who assists people with disabilities find jobs, but a part of my job is to go to chamber of commerce events to meet potential employers. This means I have to put on my best show to impress bankers, small business owners, radio personalities, etc. I struggle so hard with socializing and would much rather be a wallflower at these events.

    For me, what helps is knowing that others are relying on me to do my best (although, you could argue that puts more pressure on me as well). Also, thankfully because I help people with disabilities if things go sour socially I can disclose that I, too, have a disability like my clients, so I have that ace up my sleeve. I know neither of those points probably help much for your situation, but that’s how I deal.

    I hope you can find ways to feel more comfortable in those situations. Wishing you the best!