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Being single and lonely

being_an_indvidual_on_my_own

Being an autistic gay man of a certain age I've been finding life more and more tough the past few years. I have spent a lot of time in isolation, a lot of time in a state of depression. I struggle to get outside and I only have contact with a few family members. This means I have had a lot of time to think (probably too much) and assess myself, my place in the world, and the people distantly around me.

I have realised that everyone I know are seemingly in relationships, they live with their other half, they have children, and they lead busy lives. I on the other hand have no one else, apart from 3 family members and my dogs. I know you shouldn't compare lives because it's like comparing apples to oranges but it is hard not to, it's just life.

It's made me realise that being single is part of my loneliness. It sounds like a contradiction but I know being lonely isn't a reason to be in a relationship, that can lead to being in a bad relationship with the wrong person, I've already been there. I'm not desperate to be in a relationship but also it would be nice to eventually find someone. Trying to connect with someone can feel so draining and daunting when you are autistic. I find myself masking on dating apps, that's without actually meeting anyone physically, it's just draining and stressful. 

Are there others who feel the same way? 

  • I empathise very much. I too am single and don’t have any family other than a brother I rarely see. I would love to be in a relationship but have to admit that at least one of the reasons that hasn’t happened for me is that I’m very comfortable being alone and the effort and stress of trying to change that seems too much.

    But it would be great just to have someone else around the house or to do things with instead of having to do everything alone or avoid doing them altogether because doing it alone would be too uncomfortable.

    The thought of getting old alone is also scaring me.

    But what do we do about it?

  • I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for us to feel lonely and isolated.

    You might find some of the advice in these articles helpful:

    NAS - Loneliness - includes links to other examples of autistic people's experiences of loneliness and how they cope.

    NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

    You might also like to consider asking your GP to refer you to your local social prescriber. I've had my first two appointments with ours, and have already been given some useful ideas for getting out and about more. Their role is to develop a personalised care and support plan that meets not just your social needs, but also your practical and emotional needs. This could include helping you to find local groups or socialising activities, for example. The article below explains more (it relates to England, but the same model operates throughout the UK):

    NHS England - Social prescribing

    You might also be able to find some socialising opportunities via the the NAS's directory - whether through a local NAS branch, or other types of support group or social programmes:

    NAS - Autism Services Directory

    NAS - Branches

    As a final suggestion, you could search on Facebook and/or Google for any local groups that might fit with your interests and hobbies.

  • I’m sorry you’re experiencing this - I think it’s far from unusual in the autistic community, My son would love to find a partner and have friends etc - but it’s so difficult for him to speak to others or go out and meet people. I think it’s one of the greatest challenges that autistic people face in life. I wish there were more dating and social services for people with autism because I think autistic people often get on best with other autistic people. I got very lucky when I met my husband at college - he’s not diagnosed as autistic (I now am and our children both are) - but he has many autistic traits/sensibilities and we are very in tune in terms f how we think. If I hadn’t met him I doubt I’d have easily found a partner as I find social stuff so difficult and I’m a bit ‘unusual’ and probably would not have been appealing to neurotypical men! I was just lucky to find who I found. You never know - you might still find that person who is right for you if you keep trying to meet new people. In the meantime I hope you can find ways to cultivate happiness in your life and value every day that you have - because we only have one life and we need to make the best of it as much as we can. 

  • i feel the same way, in terms of isolation, i only have contact with family every so often, and your right, when you have a lot of time to think about things it makes you think much deeper, and what the purpose is, you start to compare yourself to other people and their lives. i am sure there are plenty of others that feel the same, just hidden away trying to cope with their emotions, but unheard and unseen, looking for a way to connect. its very hard when you have this, i bet a lot of people have tried dating apps, they can be a mixed bag, some of them are OK, others not so much, its easier said than done when someone has been isolated for a long time and has bad anxiety or is depressed, but i think if you keep looking, and in the right places, preferably with people that are very similar that might be more understanding, you will meet someone eventually, its hard but not impossible. i know how hard it is, you sometimes just have to push yourself outside your comfort zone, its not easy, i hope you do eventually find someone though. 

  • I have the natural, knee-jerk reaction of seeing anyone who I learn has a partner in a bad light.