Unwanted longing for companionship

I get that. I used to see things in black and white too, but lately I’ve started seeing things differently and it feels really good!

Is that with every thing? Like if someone didn't share your food preferences for example? Or is it just with more philosphical stuff, religion and politics etc? 

I would seek to make the grey area black or white, otherwise I would withdraw from the situation if I felt it was untenable.

As an older silver haired woman, I've become pretty much invisable and I'm loving it, I think there are plenty of single people around and people who don't have herds of friends and acquaintances. I'm sure there must be groups online and magazines about comunal and sustainable living where you could contact people who want the same things as you.

I think the biggest problem you face is that you see no grey areas, I rarely see black and white, so we are at opposite ends of that spectrum. A lot of people are uncomfortable with my life in the grey areas, they think it show indescision, I don't think it does to me it's about not being judgemental or at least not rushing to judgement about many things. I find there's lots of interesting things living in the grey areas.  What happens when you see a grey area? Do you immediately try and push it to either black or white, does your brain go all biggledy? I'm really interested in this.

Evi said:

Life isn’t just black and white - there’s also grey

That's exactly the problem with much of the world.

On the other hand, society doesn't look kindly on loners and I would consider partnerships of mutual convenience or housemates in order to survive.  It would be strictly practical and forbid any kind of emotional entanglement.

I believe that while certain external factors can make it easier for people to find a partner, they don’t define your worth or your capacity to be loved.

I think there’s someone out there for everyone. It just takes patience and looking in the right places. Keeping busy definitely helps in the meantime.

But don’t give up! Life isn’t just black and white - there’s also grey in between. 

I've had three relationships as an adult. The only one that had longevity was with the mother of my kids, who has since been diagnosed as autistic. The others I ran away from because I had no idea what I was doing. 

I was late diagnosed and I've found that it's taking time to undo the expectations I put on myself to adhere to social norms around this stuff. Just like I can occasionally beat myself up for not masking, I can beat myself up for not doing neurotypical relationships (any of them). 

I do get the yearning, but then my brain starts creating an autistic structure to that...scheduled meet ups, an agenda for the conversations, time limits to meet ups agreed in advance etc which always makes me laugh.

I've slowly come to accept some realities, like the toll of living with someone just isn't worth the possible benefits, amongst other things. Slowly I've found a way to create environment that offers me the most peace. Doesn't mean I don't get the occasional yearning. 

I don't think our 'comfort zone' is the same as neurotypicals re; relationships, how could it be? We are literally wired differently. You mentioned the word connections, that's why I decided to try out this online community, to see how it felt to connect with other autistic people. Perhaps hanging around here will give you a chance to work out what kind of connections give you what you need.

Also, I thought you were really brave to be so honest.

I was the same when I was younger, but I did some really deep thinking about it and asked myself what I wanted from others, then I realised that it's unlikely I would ever get it, my interests are to specialised, the things I'd like to share with others, there might only be 1 0r 2 in 100 people who have similar interests.

I asked myself what would or could a significant other add to my life, there was a list, but would or could it ever be fulfiled? The answer I came to after several years was probably no. Again my interests are to specialised, I'm not very good at sharing, I never really learnt how to play with others very well, I don't like having an ill defined role. I don't want to leave space for a significant other's interests and needs. I'm fed up with compromising, compromise should mean everyone gives up a little bit in order to get most of what they want, when in fact it seems to mean I give stuff up and get nothing in return.

I think what I want is a sort of clone of myself, someone who can do some of the things I can't do, but be willing to cope with the things I can't do. What things would I do with this mythical person anyway? The answer is not a lot, it wouldn't change my having so many allergies and food intolerances that eating out is a near impossibility, or that my body won't allow me to do the things I'd like to do, it wouldn't make me less anxious in crowds. So I decided I'd stick with dogs to go out for a walk with and cats to cuddle.

It’s so tricky isn’t it? I met my husband at college - and part of me thinks that I could so easily have never got married because in general I find connecting to people so very difficult and stressful. My youngest definitely wants a partner - but doesn’t feel he’ll ever have the confidence to achieve that. My eldest has found a partner - they met at a club for a special interest they both have - and I think that can be a good way to find like minded people. He didn’t realise she was attracted to him at all (he doesn’t pick up on social cues easily) but thankfully she plucked up the courage to ask him out! If left to him it would never have happened because he couldn’t read the signs. 

I think this is a very common problem for autistic people. One of (now adult) sons would really like a partner but he just doesn’t see how it will happen because he finds talking to people other than close family almost impossible. It gets him down because he feels it will never happen for him, and I worry about it too because when we ‘re no longer here in the future I worry he’ll be lonely. So we are now realising we really have to change things in a way to help him to have the confidence to connect to other people. He does AND doesn’t want to connect to people, it’s so difficult to work this one out. I’ve always felt that autistic people often get on best with other autistic people - and I think this is possibly the answer. I wish there were more social groups to help autistic people to meet each other. 

Honestly, I don't really have that thing that enables me to just click with people, and my interests seem too niche to be interesting to others let alone find others to share them with.  I guess I'm just too weary and disillusioned to try anymore.  

I have a real problem with the whole human connection thing, I've never got it, but strangely I somehow miss something I've never had. I think it's a natural feeling of wanting to belong.

I don't have friends, I have people I know (this includes family). If I wasn't married (I still don't know how this happened) I feel I'd be alone.

My psychologist suggested that I join a group or club to make possible friends as they may have similar interests but it just doesn't appeal.

Autistic people are human, humans are a very social species, hard-wired to seek interactions with each other. Also there is a biological imperative to create a pair-bond and have children. Just because autistic people have additional difficulties and often disappointments in these areas, does not mean that these basic drives do not impact us. 

I would like to be a Husband, and Dad. However, I didn't do myself justice; when younger. Too emotionally immature. Plus, I didn't look after myself physically.