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struggling to cope with my sisters behaviour

faywww

hi! it’s my first time posting somewhere like this so apologies if it’s not great haha! i’m 18 and my little sister is 16, she was diagnosed with autism when she was 14. when we were younger we were quite close and got a long well but since we both became teenagers we got more distant, and for the last few years whenever my sister has meltdowns she calls me ugly, disgusting, says i should die, will hit me or punch me, will stand outside my bedroom and wait for me so she can hurt me and it’s gotten quite exhausting. i try not to react but sometimes i do because it does upset me, although i’d never physically hurt her. 

i do understand that these meltdowns are not easy for her or my mum sometimes i feel like she just takes it all out on me becuase she gets in far less trouble then she would saying or doing this to my mum. whenever i speak with my mum about it i get told i shouldn’t talks bad about my sister or that i’m being unfair. 

i try my best to be fair because i know she must struggle with things i don’t fully understand but i get bruises and it destroys my confidence when i try and look nice and she calls me every name imaginable. 

i was just wondering if anyone has any advice about how to make my mum take me a bit more seriously or how i could prevent my sister from behaving like this to me, thank you for reading!! Slight smile

  • Dear faywww,

    Thank you for sharing your experience with the Online Community. I am really sorry that you are struggling to cope with your sisters behaviour. 

    Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone. Find out how to recognise the signs and where to get help from the NHS Domestic Abuse Helplines: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ 

    The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) provides support for women experiencing domestic abuse. Open 24 hours per day, every day.  

    • Telephone: 0808 2000 247 

    You can find your local Victim Support service by searching online for ‘[geographical area/local police force] + ‘victim support’.   

    In addition, you may find it helpful to visit the National Autistic Society Advice and guidance page about behaviour. Some autistic people can display behaviour that can have a negative impact on the person or their family. Our website has lots of links to pages with strategies to try and information on getting support: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

    You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory   

    You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice:  https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk    

    I hope this is helpful to you. 

    Kind regards,
    Rosie Mod

  • in reply to faywww

    You do know that this is legally assault and you have evidence of it, your Mum ignoring it is wrong too, you should be able to feel safe in your own home and your sisters behavious violates that. Photograph your bruises too and keep them, you may need them as evidence in future if it all gets worse.

    I wonder if talking to a domestic violence advisor might help? I think you need to take some sort of action, not only for your sake but your mums and your sisters too. How long before her behaviour escalates and she starts bullying your Mum, espicially if you've moved out? With no action being taken now this behaviour will become normal for her and I think it will be a lot easier to break that cycle now rather than in a few years time. Also your sister needs help managing her feelings and learning anger management, sooner or later she's going to try this stuff on somebody who will seriously fight back and hurt her.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    i think she has one at school but i’m in college so i’m not sure i could haha! 

    i’ve tried filming it but my mums answer is usually she won’t punish if she wasn’t there to see it becuase it’s not fair even if show her bruises so i’m a bit lost haha but thank you i appreciate it :))

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    thank you! i might try writing something out it would be helpful i think! thank you :) 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    thank you! yeah i’m not sure if it’s directly autism related but it tends to be worse when she’s struggling a lot! 

    i agree she’s doing it becuase she doesn’t get many consequences or because she gets kick from it! 

    my mums usual answer is she won’t punish my sister if she didn’t see it happen but i also feel like my sister just knows not to when my mums around so it’s difficult haha i’ve tried filming it but my mum says it’s not still not fair so i’m kind of lost haha

    ill try being more assertive though i think i need to be! thank you so much :)

  • I don't think you need to be a punch bag, especially if you're getting bruises. 

    My sister used to try and wind me up and then run to my parents if I did anything, eventually I snapped and accidentally hurt her. I was a lot stronger. You will eventually do something, so you need to sort this out.

    My sister always got preferential treatment and I got less attention. It has caused me issues.

    I assume she is doing it because there are no consequences.

    I don't think it is especially autism related. I think she is just trying to make you feel bad because she gets a kick out of it. Maybe she gets bullied so is trying to do it to you. Perhaps she just isn't very nice.

    If you can't avoid her, you need to defend yourself. You need to be more assertive with your mum. If your mum does not believe you then filming it is a good idea.️

  • Being autistic doesn’t excuse her saying such horrible things and punching you. Physical abuse is never acceptable.

    Could you show your mum what you have said here? Or even write out something similar to ask her to read? I am a great believer in putting something in writing to get the message across, even if it is your mum. 

  • Does your sister have a support worker or anything? Maybe you could talk to them about it.

    Could you film her abusing you and then use it to get the situation taken seriously? She probably is just acting out, but that makes it no easier for you.