How do I become a man at 36

I was speaking for myself not anyone else.  I apologise for the misunderstanding.

Mods please delete this entire post.

Unknown said:

people don't believe I am autistic but just lazy and irresponsible.

This does seem a common response from neurotypicals when they see autists who stay so much in their comfort zones

I can understand why they think this as they lack out lived experience and do not see the pain they so much of their environments cause us.

It sounds like you are set on persuing this so I would ask what do you plan to do? Do you plan on becoming interesting to others or use your existing views / knowledge and personality to come across as such?

I've experimented in doing this a few times without knowing I was autistic and the results are always way short of what I hoped to achieve. Having things to talk about is only part of the experience for NTs and they also weigh heavily how you interact with them and this is typically one of our biggest weaknesses.

In my experience this approach is doomed to failure so I used an approach of being useful (source of knowledge on all things technical, mechanical and practical) and from finding areas of shared interest was able to build friendships through the years.

When there is already a reason for people to interact with you then there is less emphasis on the way you do so, leading to more likelihood they will see past our social stumblings.

There is always a big price to pay for all the masking / scriting this approach uses so you need to have ways to recharge and by ditching so many of your hobbies you will do away with these and it will leave you with less possibility to recover.

In your shoes I would study social interactions and learn how to make small talk. Practice these skills during your volunteering and try to go to events around your special interest to put these skills to use.

Don't try to do it all at once - just speak to people and see if you can get a feel for how things work best and build slowly from there. Don't go searching for friendships straight away, just make acquantancies and build your confidence.

I've always seem the knowledge of the interactions as a special interest and been able to use it to understand the unspoken responses - this I can recommend as it lets you know when to back off and not make a fool of yourself.

Neuroqueer is right about the importance of understanding yourself and feeling comfortably with yourself. Trying to be someone you are not is going to make you seem fake very easily so it is much better to be yourself and slowly improve on it, improving your self understanding as you go.

I play video games but I'm not an "immature brat". I'm a.woman in my sixties and I've been running a home and managing my finances since I was 18. 

The saying "throwing the baby out with the bath water" comes to mind, if you know what that means? (If not it means throwing out everything, even that which is good)

I understand wanting a complete change in your life and if you genuinely no longer want to play video games that's fine, but you shouldn't equate doing it with a lack of maturity.

You're calling every person who enjoys their hobbies an immature brat. 

There are lots of ways to be a man, but discarding things that give you joy isn't it.

I hope you find what you need.

As written in the post, I need to grow up and be a man, and that means throwing out everything that says I'm still an immature brat who can't get his crap together.

Finding a job and a home of your own and managing your finances are good goals to try for. There are articles with advice on these areas in the "Advice & Guidance" section of this website which you may find useful. I think your idea of joining adult courses that may help you get a job is a good one.

Joining a gym to exercise may be a good thing if it's what you will actually enjoy, as you may find friends there (possibly even a potential partner). But I wouldn't do it if you just feel it's something you ought to do, if it's not going to be fun I'd suggest joining a club where you will enjoy the activities.

There is nothing wrong with trying to make the most of your appearance. New clothes can be a confidence booster if you feel good in them, and a hairdresser could give you advice about your hairstyle. But make sure you feel comfortable with whatever you choose.

I'm not sure why you're considering binning your computer and gaming interests though - I'm in my sixties and I play games on an xbox. When I was working I didn't talk about it much as most of my colleagues weren't into gaming, but it helped me unwind and relax after work. It's good to be able to talk about things that others might be interested in such as gardening or fitness, but you can still have a hobby you do on your own for your own enjoyment.

I hope things work out well for you.

Of course! But if you would, as a woman, I think that you should follow Neuroqueer 's suggestions. 

The qualities I mentioned still apply regardless of gender.

Maybe I wouldn't want a female partner.  No offence.

Such a great reply!

I would say it is to opt out of mainstream society and become an outcast, no offence to anyone here.  By avoiding responsibilities, living in a Peter pan syndrome where I never grow up or evolve until reality comes and pops the bubble, and people don't believe I am autistic but just lazy and irresponsible.  Then people stop inviting me to things, or reject hiring me for work or tell me I'm too old to join an nvq course because Im twice the age of their target demographic.  And then I try to find something like coding but then it's so complicated I burn out and I'm stuck volunteering where the others don't bother with me and I feel alone.

So how is being comfortable with yourself opting out....or in? 

Society, normality, sanity, everything.

In or out of what?

Neuroqueer said:

Get comfortable with you first. You don't have to conform.

I'm sorry, I can't.  Not anymore.  Either I'm in or I'm out. 

There's something very special about a person who is comfortable in who they are and what they like, instead of someone who's trying to be what they think others want.

If you enjoy Lego then keep the Lego. If you enjoy dressing a certain way then dress that way and own your style. The people who appreciate those things will be drawn to you. It's better than changing yourself to suit other people and possibly attracting those people who you either won't get on with long term, or who will see that it's not who you really are and will leave.

Get comfortable with you first. You don't have to conform.

In light of those complications I want to say that I want to change how people see me, instead of an ugly, hollow, boring loser I want them to see me as a three dimensional man capable of more than the most superficial and awkward of acquaintances forgotten as soon as I leave.  I'm not so attached to heterosexuality and if there are more compatible people who aren't female or cis then I'll take it.

I'd be concerned about watching videos on masculinity posted by men, especially if you're looking for a female partner.

So many men get drawn to these manosphere spaces and are told 'what women want' and 'how to be a man' when it couldn't be further from the facts. Most of these man coaches are only interested in impressing other men, and often give bad advice encouraging men to treat women as conquests, property and arm candy.

I'd advise caution and if you really want to know what women's idea of healthy masculinity is then my best advice would be to ask women. Start with honesty, compassion, empathy, loyalty and a solid understanding of consent and respect.