Struggling as Mother’s Day is coming up

I’m struggling with it in a different way, I don’t mean to cause offence to people who have lost their mother. I don’t particularly get on with my mother. It’s been decided that there is to be a family gathering on Sunday to celebrate Mother’s Day, I know I have to attend and have an escape room planned , it’s causing me anxiety and making me withdraw from people in the build up to it. I suppose best masking skills will be needed. As I said I’m sorry for anyone who has lost their mother, I don’t mean to offend anyone.

I used to feel like this Roy. I had a difficult relationship with both my mother and my father, and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were not easy. I bought them gifts etc - but it was hard to ‘honour them’ as parents when they often caused me so much emotional pain. 
During the course of the last 3 years they have both died - and even though I did my best to care them I have to admit that there was an element of relief when they died. I was upset when they died, I cried, but it was a very confusing mix of feelings. My dad was verbally very cruel to me: regular insults and put downs. I’m glad that I no longer have to pretend on Father’s Day that my dad was a good dad - because he wasn’t kind or loving to me. 

I used to feel like this Roy. I had a difficult relationship with both my mother and my father, and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were not easy. I bought them gifts etc - but it was hard to ‘honour them’ as parents when they often caused me so much emotional pain. 
During the course of the last 3 years they have both died - and even though I did my best to care them I have to admit that there was an element of relief when they died. I was upset when they died, I cried, but it was a very confusing mix of feelings. My dad was verbally very cruel to me: regular insults and put downs. I’m glad that I no longer have to pretend on Father’s Day that my dad was a good dad - because he wasn’t kind or loving to me. 

Yes. Very true.

What I have learnt is that the first goal of a narcissist is to make you believe it’s your fault.

Yes, she may have been a narcissist and certainly many of her behaviours indicated this but there was a lot more going on mental health wise I think.

Kate Kestrel said:

I know now that it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t because I was a bad or horrible person. We can heal - understanding and awareness can bring a lot of peace

Absolutely Kate.

Parents can make children feel very guilty.

I remember my mother taking me out when I was still a child to spend the day with one of  her boyfriends.

It made me feel very mixed up and guilty towards my father.

I'm glad you have 'come to terms' with what you suffered, at least to a degree.

x

Hi Debbie - I sense your mother was possibly a narcissist like mine? My dad was not in her shadow - but he wasn’t certainly her enabler and he always took her side in everything. I’ve learned so much in recent years about narcissistic behaviour and I realised now that my mother developed these traits as a result of being brought up by parents who also had very dysfunctional behaviours. Her dad had ‘favourites’ and she was the favourite - whilst one of her sisters was the ‘black sheep’ and was physically hit and verbally abused. I think my mother wanted to keep her place ‘at the top of the tree’. Insecurity often lies underneath these things.  Greater understanding has helped me to find a lot of peace regarding all of it, because I know now that it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t because I was a bad or horrible person. We can heal - understanding and awareness can bring a lot of peace. x 

There’s no need to feel guilty Roy - it’s hard having parents who make us feel very bad and we have to battle through many difficult things as a result of the impact of that. It’s not something we choose to- we have little choice on the matter. I never gave up trying to make the relationship better - I worked so hard to achieve that. I did my best and I imagine you did too. Thankfully I met a wonderful man and we had our own family - and I know what NOT to do as a result of my own experience as a child - so there are silver linings! 

Thanks Kate, I’ve had discussions with my wife about how I feel. There seems to be an unwritten rule that you must love your parents. My wife lost her mother, I get told by my wife that I’m lucky to still have my mother and she would give anything to have hers back. I feel guilt that I don’t really have any feelings. The family get together went off okay, everyone just grinned and bared it. I referred to it as ‘The Last Supper.” I don’t drink alcohol anymore so these sort of events are hard to get through, in the old days I would have just drank my body weight in beer and got through it.

I was puzzled at school when other children saw their parents at the school gate, they would be smiling and hug them. I couldn’t understand why they wanted to touch each other. Obviously I now understand  that autism was at play.

My late father just did as he was told, it was easier .

Kate Kestrel said:

there was an element of relief when they died

I have never cried over my mother's death and I felt and still feel (7 years on) an immense relief.

Thank you for your honesty Kate.

I do miss my dad but he was utterly suppressed by my mother so a lot of the time he seemed like a shadowy figure in my life.