Struggling as Mother’s Day is coming up

Yes. Very true.

What I have learnt is that the first goal of a narcissist is to make you believe it’s your fault.

Yes, she may have been a narcissist and certainly many of her behaviours indicated this but there was a lot more going on mental health wise I think.

Kate Kestrel said:

I know now that it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t because I was a bad or horrible person. We can heal - understanding and awareness can bring a lot of peace

Absolutely Kate.

Parents can make children feel very guilty.

I remember my mother taking me out when I was still a child to spend the day with one of  her boyfriends.

It made me feel very mixed up and guilty towards my father.

I'm glad you have 'come to terms' with what you suffered, at least to a degree.

x

Hi Debbie - I sense your mother was possibly a narcissist like mine? My dad was not in her shadow - but he wasn’t certainly her enabler and he always took her side in everything. I’ve learned so much in recent years about narcissistic behaviour and I realised now that my mother developed these traits as a result of being brought up by parents who also had very dysfunctional behaviours. Her dad had ‘favourites’ and she was the favourite - whilst one of her sisters was the ‘black sheep’ and was physically hit and verbally abused. I think my mother wanted to keep her place ‘at the top of the tree’. Insecurity often lies underneath these things.  Greater understanding has helped me to find a lot of peace regarding all of it, because I know now that it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t because I was a bad or horrible person. We can heal - understanding and awareness can bring a lot of peace. x 

There’s no need to feel guilty Roy - it’s hard having parents who make us feel very bad and we have to battle through many difficult things as a result of the impact of that. It’s not something we choose to- we have little choice on the matter. I never gave up trying to make the relationship better - I worked so hard to achieve that. I did my best and I imagine you did too. Thankfully I met a wonderful man and we had our own family - and I know what NOT to do as a result of my own experience as a child - so there are silver linings! 

Thanks Kate, I’ve had discussions with my wife about how I feel. There seems to be an unwritten rule that you must love your parents. My wife lost her mother, I get told by my wife that I’m lucky to still have my mother and she would give anything to have hers back. I feel guilt that I don’t really have any feelings. The family get together went off okay, everyone just grinned and bared it. I referred to it as ‘The Last Supper.” I don’t drink alcohol anymore so these sort of events are hard to get through, in the old days I would have just drank my body weight in beer and got through it.

I was puzzled at school when other children saw their parents at the school gate, they would be smiling and hug them. I couldn’t understand why they wanted to touch each other. Obviously I now understand  that autism was at play.

My late father just did as he was told, it was easier .

Kate Kestrel said:

there was an element of relief when they died

I have never cried over my mother's death and I felt and still feel (7 years on) an immense relief.

Thank you for your honesty Kate.

I do miss my dad but he was utterly suppressed by my mother so a lot of the time he seemed like a shadowy figure in my life.

I used to feel like this Roy. I had a difficult relationship with both my mother and my father, and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were not easy. I bought them gifts etc - but it was hard to ‘honour them’ as parents when they often caused me so much emotional pain. 
During the course of the last 3 years they have both died - and even though I did my best to care them I have to admit that there was an element of relief when they died. I was upset when they died, I cried, but it was a very confusing mix of feelings. My dad was verbally very cruel to me: regular insults and put downs. I’m glad that I no longer have to pretend on Father’s Day that my dad was a good dad - because he wasn’t kind or loving to me. 

i feel you . i hate mothers day due to abandonment issues. i hate the word mum/mother. it triggers me. i hate all the advertising or walking around with everyone happy with their mums. its hard. so i stay indoors or stay in the car while my husband walks in the park with his parents. its over now! hooray!

I agree it is really in your face and can be quite triggering if you are grieving. But at the same time many people have and are mothers so the shops are going to make a big deal of it. My Dad passed away quite young, I used to avoid the seasonal aisle in the Tescos I worked at in June. I would take other routes between the staff areas and my checkout. I do like it that email subscription lists ask if you want to opt out now but they should’ve been doing that all along really, not just from 2020. Avoid the shops today and social media tomorrow. It will be Monday soon enough

No offence taken.

(I like to arrive suitably equipped to tackle ...any outstanding garden maintenance, DIY, measure up whatever for sourcing items for the next job of works, change over the Winter to Summer curtains, do the washing up, attend to the car ... basically, anything I can think off to be onsite ...but busy with a "legitimate" helpful task - which shows willing by attendance at the event ...but hopefully limits the amount of time getting drawn in to the inevitable chit-chat).

I’m struggling with it in a different way, I don’t mean to cause offence to people who have lost their mother. I don’t particularly get on with my mother. It’s been decided that there is to be a family gathering on Sunday to celebrate Mother’s Day, I know I have to attend and have an escape room planned , it’s causing me anxiety and making me withdraw from people in the build up to it. I suppose best masking skills will be needed. As I said I’m sorry for anyone who has lost their mother, I don’t mean to offend anyone.

Yep, it's awful if you've lost a parent or lost a child, or for childless people, too.

Rach91 said:

I feel there no empathy for people like me who no longer have a mother

That would be most people over the age of 50 I guess and many more whose mother passed away when they were younger.

The marketing people are focussing on the positives - a reminder of those who have a mother still around to go and spent time with them, spoil them a bit and remind them that they are important to you.

If they were to take into account those who may feel bad for not qualifying for the celebration then we would never celebrate anything I guess.

Have you had any therapy to help you with the grieving process? It is not uncommon to get stuck with this always hurting when you think of them and a good therapist can help you process the grief and reach a better balance afterwards.

I struggle with Mother's Day as it's a bit commercial. It's the same with Father's Day.

Some people I know lost their mum and dad recently. 

I don't want to be reminded of it, or Father's Day, or certain other events, but I don't see how it can be avoided. 

I can probably sidestep the actual day, but it is the constant buy buy buy theme that you get leading up to it that there's little escape from. 

Social media does make it worse, because you then have to read everyone you know telling all their friends how wonderful their relation is, and you can't block a certain type of post without blocking all that person's posts...      

I agree - I get emails asking if I want to be left out of mothers day emails to which I reply yes, but they've already reminded me of it and if I go on a website to order something I need it's all over it.

Sorry to hear about this annual struggle.

I have noticed more businesses giving people the chance to opt out of receiving related marketing emails this year - so I think the sensitivity backlash is maybe making some inroads - but I think you are correct - it does generally seem more commercially vIsible in hospitality venues etc. these days.

Spending some time enjoying nature outdoors sounds like a good idea.