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Unmasking and socialising - still discovering new data.....

Lotus

Since I retired I've been out for lunch with ex colleagues a few times. But lately I've started to feel like I don't want to do that any more, and I've been trying to work out why.

When I discovered I was on the spectrum, I read loads and learned about autism and how NTs are different to us. I decided to put my knowledge into practice to enable me to strengthen my relationships with colleagues. It worked and I was pleased, because I felt more accepted. I also learned about masking and thought I had unmasked quite successfully, but now I'm no longer working and have time to think about exactly what I want, I'm not so sure I was so successful.

I asked Google today why I as an autistic person didn't want to socialise and got an interesting result - an article on The Conversation website titled "Children with autism shouldn't be forced to socialise" (I'm not going to post a link in case I get put in spam prison) It started by explaining that most people get a hit of the feel good  chemicals oxytocin & dopamine when they see a face and socially engage with another human being, even if they are a stranger!. Most autistic people don't. Wow. So NTs get instantly rewarded by their brain for seeking out people and interacting with them. The article goes on to explain how you can train an autistic child to socialise by giving physical rewards such as a sweet or toy, but questions why anyone would do this when they don't intrinsically need or enjoy it?

I've always tried to fit in and have copied others to help me do this. I think that although my brain doesn't reward me for being sociable, some of the people in my life I've been close to have rewarded me by giving approval for that behaviour. Plus the fear of being bullied if my behaviour isn't acceptable has always been there since school days So I think that I've still been masking in a way - I thought I was doing something that pleased me, but I was doing it to please others and fit in. Now I'm not influenced by work colleagues, I'm really happy just spending time alone and with my partner, and interacting here where there is no.pressure and I can take time to read posts and think about what I want to say. I have no need or desire to socialise

I'm not sure how one tells a NT person that they don't want to see them face to face any more without upsetting them though?

Parents

  • I'll post your link (as I think 1 per post is generally safe), and after the drama I created the last time I ended up in trouble for posting too many links, I feel a bit more empowered. 

    https://theconversation.com/children-with-autism-shouldnt-be-forced-to-socialise-44585

    I was forced to socialise as a child, and hated it.   It just felt weird and odd and I am sure those I was forced to go socialise with didn't really enjoy my company any more than I enjoyed theirs. 

    I am still REALLY angry at my upbringing, and every so often it does translate onto this page when someone asks a question about someone who hasn't bothered to look into ASD properly.   It makes me mad.  

    I posted on another thread recently that I was actually punished in very many ways because I wouldn't and couldn't fit in.  I was told I was bringing shame upon the family.  Social events ended in meltdowns and the repercussions for me would ultimately be abuse.  I'm still paying the price for it now.  The ignorance shown has deprived me of a conventional family life, and caused years of heartache.  

    Nobody in their right mind - article or not - and no disrespect to your article - would continually put a child in a place (s) where they showed serious distress and then abuse them for showing it.  I'm wondering why It needs to be said, in 2025.  In my case, To follow, they then somehow got other family to believe that I was to blame for not co-operating and being generally defiant, and they garnered sympathy for their hard life.   

    These were people who'd class themselves as otherwise intelligent and forward-thinking (!)

    I realise this isn't my post nor the place for my life-story, but I do crave an element of normality some times.  I do like the idea of company far more than the outcome.  I suppose sometimes I forget, or think that maybe, just maybe this time will be different (but it never is). 

    A few days ago I met with a few people I knew because one had suggested a catch-up.  I was quite looking forward to it, mainly because it represented a break from routine.  However, sitting there, listening to them talk, it did remind me of how hard it has always been to make small talk, to even pretend to be interested in the things they looked enthusiastic about.  I guess I was happy to see them, but - yes it's true - I didn't feel a rush of any feel good chemicals coming my way.  Now you mention it - they did all look happy though - perhaps they were getting chemicals I wasn't supplied with?  

    I don't know how to answer the question about how to tell people you no longer wish to tell them.  A NT person would be evasive & make excuses, I suppose.   If you are continually unavailable when the next arrangements are made, I suppose they'll eventually take the hint - this way you can avoid being blunt and telling them the company isn't to your liking anymore.  

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    Thank you for your input and for posting the link. I'm sorry to hear what you experienced as a child - that must have been really hard.

    As I said to cat woman, I've always found that people I thought were friends eventually get bored with me and stop contacting me, so I expect things will fizzle out naturally anyway.

Reply
  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    Thank you for your input and for posting the link. I'm sorry to hear what you experienced as a child - that must have been really hard.

    As I said to cat woman, I've always found that people I thought were friends eventually get bored with me and stop contacting me, so I expect things will fizzle out naturally anyway.

Children
  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    I experienced a link url auto-truncated (therefore, interpreted as spam) on saving my reply on another thread ...not sure it is yet as sophisticated as a database of safe links.

  • in reply to Lotus
    Lotus said:
    Thank you for your input and for posting the link.

    Incidentally posting the link got me sent straight to moderation.  I have no idea why, as every other link I've posted has been fine lately.   Speculating, I feel they may be compiling a list of safe links someplace.   I emailed them in a rage and within 5 mins the reply had been approved though. 

  • in reply to Lotus
    Lotus said:
    I've always found that people I thought were friends eventually get bored with me and stop contacting me

    I think that's what NT people do in general.  I used to think it was personal, but there seems to be a general lack of loyalty. 

    You get regular contact from people when there's something discernible in it for them, but not as a matter of course. 

    Unless you'd actually agreed with people to, say, meet once a month as a regular thing...  I'd say you can't rely on it.  The problem with the Autistic brain is that it relies on repetitive patterns, theirs do not.  

    I guess they've found something new & more exiting - which yes, might mean you are by comparison boring (by not being new)  - but they aren't considering you as they go elsewhere.  They are considering themselves alone.