Unmasking and socialising - still discovering new data.....

Thank you for your post and all the other comments. I found myself trying to be sociable. Being sociable is something I have learned to do. Indeed my parents taught me how to. It is just so exhausti  particularly as I get older. I think the main problem is we don't do small talk/gossip. Having a deep technical discussion about my favourite subject is different though. Also talking to other auttic people is OK. I had a long chat with another autistic person who has just realised they are autistic and that was good. I do have to be careful not to be too full on though. It is like posting he in that it makes me feel less alone and weird. In fact, socialising with other autists can be quite enjoyable in general. At least we can be blunt with each other.

Hi, very relatable. I stopped socialising last year when I realised that even though I had the urge to ask people (friends or new people) if they'd like to meet for coffee, the actual event and the build up to it was seriously draining and overwhelming. Way too much to think about. Arranging a time and place, what if I'm tired or overwhelmed, how will I present on the day, what if it's too noisy or I say the wrong thing etc etc. It just felt easier to say I was no longer doing it.

I feel that if a true friend understands us then they will understand our needs to avoid draining environments as long as we explain. Obviously that's quite scary in itself and the fear of losing the friend is a big RSD trigger. I have lost a few people as a result of withdrawing myself, but the good offers still check in and we chat online or via text.

Online communities are my place now. It's something I've had to accept.

I don't know the answer to your question but found your post very interesting and relevant. I am still pondering this topic myself, since my discovery I have done very little social activity and have not been back to work. I know I will need to somehow get back on the saddle but thinking about the best way of doing this really. I don't think its realistic that I can continue as I am now (as much as I want to stay in my comfort zone), so I will need to find a way to mask without it being too damaging. I think finding that right balance for me is the way forward which will be a bit of trial and error and something I am not looking forward too.....any tips would be welcome

I used to force myself to socialise because I had a fear of missing out and also because I would get the endorphin reward afterwards, like a sense of achievement for getting through it, and extra points for getting through it with out doing anything wrong or being 'found out'!! Looking back, it was an exhausting way to live. I've since unmasked a bit and realised my fear of missing out was unfounded, I wasn't actually missing anything I actually enjoyed, and now I feel much more relaxed and calm knowing I don't 'have' to attend social events, than any endorphins I got from attending. I guess I'm just honest with people now. I have lost a lot of friends since unmasking but the ones that stuck around, understand. I still see them for coffees and walks, but I just don't do the nights out and noisy pubs anymore. It's about meeting in the middle and being around understanding people.

A lot of what you say resonates with me, I’m going to semi retire soon and will be moving 250 miles from where I have always lived. My wife is wanting to join in with village life and make new friends, I’m happy to be on my own and fill my days with my hobbies. I will be quite happy with an iPhone with no SIM card, I will be able to order things through the Wi-Fi.

I tried to make friends when I was younger but these friendships always fizzled out, as I’ve got older I just don’t long for friendships, they take too much time and energy, plus I just can’t be bothered to maintain friendships. If a conversation is about something I’m researching, I can talk for ages, chitchat is me just wanting to escape, chitchat is like pulling teeth.

I have realised that if people contact me, it’s because they just want something from me. I think since finding out I’m autistic it’s made me realise how different NT people are, I don’t mean that in a derogatory way.

It’s a bit like an Apple Mac communicating with Microsoft, i have to think about every sentence to make sure I don’t say something incompatible , inevitably I get it wrong as an error code comes up between the two operating systems. I basically find that my mind is never lonely, there’s just too much to think about.

I think that people get bored with me too because I don't do anything, or not things that they enjoy, like I don't go out  to pubs etc, but as one friend said, 'we live on Anglesey, why do we need to go on holiday?'. Living somewhere like here I can see the attraction of a city break, but I'd be overwhelmed, if I can't cope with Llandudno for a couple of hours, I'd be crazy after a day somewhere like Manchester.

I'm the same as you, I hate to feel like I'm imposing on people and I don't like showing vulnerablities.

I do wonder how much of expecting people to fall away and out of contact is a self fulfilling prophesy, if it is its one I dont' know how to break it. All I know is never plan to do anything with people because on the day, or even  a couple of hours before they will let me down, always be prepared to do whatever it is alone and make sure I have some control over transport arrangements.

Never rely on others to be the cavalry, I have to be my own cavalry and rescue myself from any untoward situation.

Thanks Iain for your input, it has made me think about it slightly differently. I do agree that social skills can be useful and I can get on with most people, at least on a superficial level. If someone wants to see me then I suppose they get something out of it, even if it's only some feel good brain chemicals!

I have thought about the uncomfortable thing you mentioned - I have no problem being alone (I can feel more lonely in a room full of people) and if I had no one and really needed to make a friend, I do have the skills to do this. I appreciate your concerns though.

I remember my mother being concerned that I should make friends, but I wasn't particularly bothered as a child. I visited the daughter of a neighbour that she arranged a few times, but I only remember going on the girl's swing, not actually playing with her.

I understand how you feel about having people in your life, but one reason I don't have pets is because I don't have anyone to look after them if anything happened to me. Also I wouldn't contact any of the people I used to work with if I went into hospital - not because I wouldn't want to see them, I do like them, but just because I'd feel I was imposing and I like to be independent.

I will reconsider continuing to see people if they wish to see me though. I have no idea what I offer as a friend, I think I'm probably boring to most people as I don't "do" anything, I don't go to events or on holiday or do anything other people do, I just like to read and play games, and watch the occasional movie or TV series. It's my experience that people usually do eventually stop contacting me, so perhaps that's why I'm feeling like I am, it could be a sort of protection mechanism.

Interesting, I wasn't encouraged to socialise when I was a child, althugh nobody had ever heard of Autism at the time, there wasn't really anyone to socialise with and until diagnosis I just assumed it was a skill I'd never really learned. When I socialise successfully or most other things for that matter I have a feeling of relief at having got away with it, without anyone noticing anything odd.

I do think we need some outside social contacts though, having found myself in hospital feeling very unwell and having no visitors was a sobering experience and one that made me re=evaluate how I have people in my life or not. My instinct is not to bother, but then when somethig happens, I've really appreciated having some friendly faces, even something simple like a friend to walk my dog when I hurt my knee and couldn't put weight on it. I hate feeling vulnerable, it plays hell with my PTSD, but it sounds like you have some safe people, try and keep seeing them, just to keep in practice if nothing else.

Lotus said:

The article goes on to explain how you can train an autistic child to socialise by giving physical rewards such as a sweet or toy, but questions why anyone would do this when they don't intrinsically need or enjoy it?

I think a big part of why we are pushed to learn to socialise is that without these skills, existing in society becomes very difficuly and is only going to make our social ineptitude worse.

Yes we don't want it most of the time (yet many people here post saying they want it but don't like it) but in order to get things done it is a very useful life skill.

Lotus said:

I'm not sure how one tells a NT person that they don't want to see them face to face any more without upsetting them though?

I would just tell them I don't have the energy to be good company if I had to, but would typically mask up and do it anyway so long as there was going to be a positive outcome for one of us anyway. Sometimes it isn't all about me so if my friend needs some support and to feel connected then I will take the hit and be there for them.

If it is just to have a chat then booking something time limited and convenient to both would be the best option. A session at the bowling alley, a meal at a known good restaurant or walking the dog - so long as it is time or event constrained and I have time to recover after.

There is one last and uncomfortable thing to think about - what happens when your partner is no longer there - how do you find social contact or have yourself heard? Sometimes it is worth the cost to have a slightly wider network of contacts just so you have someone who can be there for you.