Unmasking and socialising - still discovering new data.....

I experienced a link url auto-truncated (therefore, interpreted as spam) on saving my reply on another thread ...not sure it is yet as sophisticated as a database of safe links.

Lotus said:

Thank you for your input and for posting the link.

Incidentally posting the link got me sent straight to moderation.  I have no idea why, as every other link I've posted has been fine lately.   Speculating, I feel they may be compiling a list of safe links someplace.   I emailed them in a rage and within 5 mins the reply had been approved though. 

I used to force myself to socialise because I had a fear of missing out and also because I would get the endorphin reward afterwards, like a sense of achievement for getting through it, and extra points for getting through it with out doing anything wrong or being 'found out'!! Looking back, it was an exhausting way to live. I've since unmasked a bit and realised my fear of missing out was unfounded, I wasn't actually missing anything I actually enjoyed, and now I feel much more relaxed and calm knowing I don't 'have' to attend social events, than any endorphins I got from attending. I guess I'm just honest with people now. I have lost a lot of friends since unmasking but the ones that stuck around, understand. I still see them for coffees and walks, but I just don't do the nights out and noisy pubs anymore. It's about meeting in the middle and being around understanding people.

A lot of what you say resonates with me, I’m going to semi retire soon and will be moving 250 miles from where I have always lived. My wife is wanting to join in with village life and make new friends, I’m happy to be on my own and fill my days with my hobbies. I will be quite happy with an iPhone with no SIM card, I will be able to order things through the Wi-Fi.

I tried to make friends when I was younger but these friendships always fizzled out, as I’ve got older I just don’t long for friendships, they take too much time and energy, plus I just can’t be bothered to maintain friendships. If a conversation is about something I’m researching, I can talk for ages, chitchat is me just wanting to escape, chitchat is like pulling teeth.

I have realised that if people contact me, it’s because they just want something from me. I think since finding out I’m autistic it’s made me realise how different NT people are, I don’t mean that in a derogatory way.

It’s a bit like an Apple Mac communicating with Microsoft, i have to think about every sentence to make sure I don’t say something incompatible , inevitably I get it wrong as an error code comes up between the two operating systems. I basically find that my mind is never lonely, there’s just too much to think about.

I think that people get bored with me too because I don't do anything, or not things that they enjoy, like I don't go out  to pubs etc, but as one friend said, 'we live on Anglesey, why do we need to go on holiday?'. Living somewhere like here I can see the attraction of a city break, but I'd be overwhelmed, if I can't cope with Llandudno for a couple of hours, I'd be crazy after a day somewhere like Manchester.

I'm the same as you, I hate to feel like I'm imposing on people and I don't like showing vulnerablities.

I do wonder how much of expecting people to fall away and out of contact is a self fulfilling prophesy, if it is its one I dont' know how to break it. All I know is never plan to do anything with people because on the day, or even  a couple of hours before they will let me down, always be prepared to do whatever it is alone and make sure I have some control over transport arrangements.

Never rely on others to be the cavalry, I have to be my own cavalry and rescue myself from any untoward situation.

Lotus said:

I've always found that people I thought were friends eventually get bored with me and stop contacting me

I think that's what NT people do in general.  I used to think it was personal, but there seems to be a general lack of loyalty. 

You get regular contact from people when there's something discernible in it for them, but not as a matter of course. 

Unless you'd actually agreed with people to, say, meet once a month as a regular thing...  I'd say you can't rely on it.  The problem with the Autistic brain is that it relies on repetitive patterns, theirs do not.  

I guess they've found something new & more exiting - which yes, might mean you are by comparison boring (by not being new)  - but they aren't considering you as they go elsewhere.  They are considering themselves alone. 

Thanks Iain for your input, it has made me think about it slightly differently. I do agree that social skills can be useful and I can get on with most people, at least on a superficial level. If someone wants to see me then I suppose they get something out of it, even if it's only some feel good brain chemicals!

I have thought about the uncomfortable thing you mentioned - I have no problem being alone (I can feel more lonely in a room full of people) and if I had no one and really needed to make a friend, I do have the skills to do this. I appreciate your concerns though.

Thank you for your input and for posting the link. I'm sorry to hear what you experienced as a child - that must have been really hard.

As I said to cat woman, I've always found that people I thought were friends eventually get bored with me and stop contacting me, so I expect things will fizzle out naturally anyway.

I remember my mother being concerned that I should make friends, but I wasn't particularly bothered as a child. I visited the daughter of a neighbour that she arranged a few times, but I only remember going on the girl's swing, not actually playing with her.

I understand how you feel about having people in your life, but one reason I don't have pets is because I don't have anyone to look after them if anything happened to me. Also I wouldn't contact any of the people I used to work with if I went into hospital - not because I wouldn't want to see them, I do like them, but just because I'd feel I was imposing and I like to be independent.

I will reconsider continuing to see people if they wish to see me though. I have no idea what I offer as a friend, I think I'm probably boring to most people as I don't "do" anything, I don't go to events or on holiday or do anything other people do, I just like to read and play games, and watch the occasional movie or TV series. It's my experience that people usually do eventually stop contacting me, so perhaps that's why I'm feeling like I am, it could be a sort of protection mechanism.

Interesting, I wasn't encouraged to socialise when I was a child, althugh nobody had ever heard of Autism at the time, there wasn't really anyone to socialise with and until diagnosis I just assumed it was a skill I'd never really learned. When I socialise successfully or most other things for that matter I have a feeling of relief at having got away with it, without anyone noticing anything odd.

I do think we need some outside social contacts though, having found myself in hospital feeling very unwell and having no visitors was a sobering experience and one that made me re=evaluate how I have people in my life or not. My instinct is not to bother, but then when somethig happens, I've really appreciated having some friendly faces, even something simple like a friend to walk my dog when I hurt my knee and couldn't put weight on it. I hate feeling vulnerable, it plays hell with my PTSD, but it sounds like you have some safe people, try and keep seeing them, just to keep in practice if nothing else.

Lotus said:

The article goes on to explain how you can train an autistic child to socialise by giving physical rewards such as a sweet or toy, but questions why anyone would do this when they don't intrinsically need or enjoy it?

I think a big part of why we are pushed to learn to socialise is that without these skills, existing in society becomes very difficuly and is only going to make our social ineptitude worse.

Yes we don't want it most of the time (yet many people here post saying they want it but don't like it) but in order to get things done it is a very useful life skill.

Lotus said:

I'm not sure how one tells a NT person that they don't want to see them face to face any more without upsetting them though?

I would just tell them I don't have the energy to be good company if I had to, but would typically mask up and do it anyway so long as there was going to be a positive outcome for one of us anyway. Sometimes it isn't all about me so if my friend needs some support and to feel connected then I will take the hit and be there for them.

If it is just to have a chat then booking something time limited and convenient to both would be the best option. A session at the bowling alley, a meal at a known good restaurant or walking the dog - so long as it is time or event constrained and I have time to recover after.

There is one last and uncomfortable thing to think about - what happens when your partner is no longer there - how do you find social contact or have yourself heard? Sometimes it is worth the cost to have a slightly wider network of contacts just so you have someone who can be there for you.

I'll post your link (as I think 1 per post is generally safe), and after the drama I created the last time I ended up in trouble for posting too many links, I feel a bit more empowered. 

https://theconversation.com/children-with-autism-shouldnt-be-forced-to-socialise-44585

I was forced to socialise as a child, and hated it.   It just felt weird and odd and I am sure those I was forced to go socialise with didn't really enjoy my company any more than I enjoyed theirs. 

I am still REALLY angry at my upbringing, and every so often it does translate onto this page when someone asks a question about someone who hasn't bothered to look into ASD properly.   It makes me mad.  

I posted on another thread recently that I was actually punished in very many ways because I wouldn't and couldn't fit in.  I was told I was bringing shame upon the family.  Social events ended in meltdowns and the repercussions for me would ultimately be abuse.  I'm still paying the price for it now.  The ignorance shown has deprived me of a conventional family life, and caused years of heartache.  

Nobody in their right mind - article or not - and no disrespect to your article - would continually put a child in a place (s) where they showed serious distress and then abuse them for showing it.  I'm wondering why It needs to be said, in 2025.  In my case, To follow, they then somehow got other family to believe that I was to blame for not co-operating and being generally defiant, and they garnered sympathy for their hard life.   

These were people who'd class themselves as otherwise intelligent and forward-thinking (!)

I realise this isn't my post nor the place for my life-story, but I do crave an element of normality some times.  I do like the idea of company far more than the outcome.  I suppose sometimes I forget, or think that maybe, just maybe this time will be different (but it never is). 

A few days ago I met with a few people I knew because one had suggested a catch-up.  I was quite looking forward to it, mainly because it represented a break from routine.  However, sitting there, listening to them talk, it did remind me of how hard it has always been to make small talk, to even pretend to be interested in the things they looked enthusiastic about.  I guess I was happy to see them, but - yes it's true - I didn't feel a rush of any feel good chemicals coming my way.  Now you mention it - they did all look happy though - perhaps they were getting chemicals I wasn't supplied with?  

I don't know how to answer the question about how to tell people you no longer wish to tell them.  A NT person would be evasive & make excuses, I suppose.   If you are continually unavailable when the next arrangements are made, I suppose they'll eventually take the hint - this way you can avoid being blunt and telling them the company isn't to your liking anymore.