• Replies 14 replies
  • Subscribers 86 subscribers
  • Views 317 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Unmasking and socialising - still discovering new data.....

Lotus

Since I retired I've been out for lunch with ex colleagues a few times. But lately I've started to feel like I don't want to do that any more, and I've been trying to work out why.

When I discovered I was on the spectrum, I read loads and learned about autism and how NTs are different to us. I decided to put my knowledge into practice to enable me to strengthen my relationships with colleagues. It worked and I was pleased, because I felt more accepted. I also learned about masking and thought I had unmasked quite successfully, but now I'm no longer working and have time to think about exactly what I want, I'm not so sure I was so successful.

I asked Google today why I as an autistic person didn't want to socialise and got an interesting result - an article on The Conversation website titled "Children with autism shouldn't be forced to socialise" (I'm not going to post a link in case I get put in spam prison) It started by explaining that most people get a hit of the feel good  chemicals oxytocin & dopamine when they see a face and socially engage with another human being, even if they are a stranger!. Most autistic people don't. Wow. So NTs get instantly rewarded by their brain for seeking out people and interacting with them. The article goes on to explain how you can train an autistic child to socialise by giving physical rewards such as a sweet or toy, but questions why anyone would do this when they don't intrinsically need or enjoy it?

I've always tried to fit in and have copied others to help me do this. I think that although my brain doesn't reward me for being sociable, some of the people in my life I've been close to have rewarded me by giving approval for that behaviour. Plus the fear of being bullied if my behaviour isn't acceptable has always been there since school days So I think that I've still been masking in a way - I thought I was doing something that pleased me, but I was doing it to please others and fit in. Now I'm not influenced by work colleagues, I'm really happy just spending time alone and with my partner, and interacting here where there is no.pressure and I can take time to read posts and think about what I want to say. I have no need or desire to socialise

I'm not sure how one tells a NT person that they don't want to see them face to face any more without upsetting them though?

Parents

  • Interesting, I wasn't encouraged to socialise when I was a child, althugh nobody had ever heard of Autism at the time, there wasn't really anyone to socialise with and until diagnosis I just assumed it was a skill I'd never really learned. When I socialise successfully or most other things for that matter I have a feeling of relief at having got away with it, without anyone noticing anything odd.

    I do think we need some outside social contacts though, having found myself in hospital feeling very unwell and having no visitors was a sobering experience and one that made me re=evaluate how I have people in my life or not. My instinct is not to bother, but then when somethig happens, I've really appreciated having some friendly faces, even something simple like a friend to walk my dog when I hurt my knee and couldn't put weight on it. I hate feeling vulnerable, it plays hell with my PTSD, but it sounds like you have some safe people, try and keep seeing them, just to keep in practice if nothing else.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    I remember my mother being concerned that I should make friends, but I wasn't particularly bothered as a child. I visited the daughter of a neighbour that she arranged a few times, but I only remember going on the girl's swing, not actually playing with her.

    I understand how you feel about having people in your life, but one reason I don't have pets is because I don't have anyone to look after them if anything happened to me. Also I wouldn't contact any of the people I used to work with if I went into hospital - not because I wouldn't want to see them, I do like them, but just because I'd feel I was imposing and I like to be independent.

    I will reconsider continuing to see people if they wish to see me though. I have no idea what I offer as a friend, I think I'm probably boring to most people as I don't "do" anything, I don't go to events or on holiday or do anything other people do, I just like to read and play games, and watch the occasional movie or TV series. It's my experience that people usually do eventually stop contacting me, so perhaps that's why I'm feeling like I am, it could be a sort of protection mechanism.

  • in reply to Lotus

    I think that people get bored with me too because I don't do anything, or not things that they enjoy, like I don't go out  to pubs etc, but as one friend said, 'we live on Anglesey, why do we need to go on holiday?'. Living somewhere like here I can see the attraction of a city break, but I'd be overwhelmed, if I can't cope with Llandudno for a couple of hours, I'd be crazy after a day somewhere like Manchester.

    I'm the same as you, I hate to feel like I'm imposing on people and I don't like showing vulnerablities.

    I do wonder how much of expecting people to fall away and out of contact is a self fulfilling prophesy, if it is its one I dont' know how to break it. All I know is never plan to do anything with people because on the day, or even  a couple of hours before they will let me down, always be prepared to do whatever it is alone and make sure I have some control over transport arrangements.

    Never rely on others to be the cavalry, I have to be my own cavalry and rescue myself from any untoward situation.

Reply
  • in reply to Lotus

    I think that people get bored with me too because I don't do anything, or not things that they enjoy, like I don't go out  to pubs etc, but as one friend said, 'we live on Anglesey, why do we need to go on holiday?'. Living somewhere like here I can see the attraction of a city break, but I'd be overwhelmed, if I can't cope with Llandudno for a couple of hours, I'd be crazy after a day somewhere like Manchester.

    I'm the same as you, I hate to feel like I'm imposing on people and I don't like showing vulnerablities.

    I do wonder how much of expecting people to fall away and out of contact is a self fulfilling prophesy, if it is its one I dont' know how to break it. All I know is never plan to do anything with people because on the day, or even  a couple of hours before they will let me down, always be prepared to do whatever it is alone and make sure I have some control over transport arrangements.

    Never rely on others to be the cavalry, I have to be my own cavalry and rescue myself from any untoward situation.

Children
No Data