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Unmasking and socialising - still discovering new data.....

Lotus

Since I retired I've been out for lunch with ex colleagues a few times. But lately I've started to feel like I don't want to do that any more, and I've been trying to work out why.

When I discovered I was on the spectrum, I read loads and learned about autism and how NTs are different to us. I decided to put my knowledge into practice to enable me to strengthen my relationships with colleagues. It worked and I was pleased, because I felt more accepted. I also learned about masking and thought I had unmasked quite successfully, but now I'm no longer working and have time to think about exactly what I want, I'm not so sure I was so successful.

I asked Google today why I as an autistic person didn't want to socialise and got an interesting result - an article on The Conversation website titled "Children with autism shouldn't be forced to socialise" (I'm not going to post a link in case I get put in spam prison) It started by explaining that most people get a hit of the feel good  chemicals oxytocin & dopamine when they see a face and socially engage with another human being, even if they are a stranger!. Most autistic people don't. Wow. So NTs get instantly rewarded by their brain for seeking out people and interacting with them. The article goes on to explain how you can train an autistic child to socialise by giving physical rewards such as a sweet or toy, but questions why anyone would do this when they don't intrinsically need or enjoy it?

I've always tried to fit in and have copied others to help me do this. I think that although my brain doesn't reward me for being sociable, some of the people in my life I've been close to have rewarded me by giving approval for that behaviour. Plus the fear of being bullied if my behaviour isn't acceptable has always been there since school days So I think that I've still been masking in a way - I thought I was doing something that pleased me, but I was doing it to please others and fit in. Now I'm not influenced by work colleagues, I'm really happy just spending time alone and with my partner, and interacting here where there is no.pressure and I can take time to read posts and think about what I want to say. I have no need or desire to socialise

I'm not sure how one tells a NT person that they don't want to see them face to face any more without upsetting them though?

Parents
  • Lotus said:
    The article goes on to explain how you can train an autistic child to socialise by giving physical rewards such as a sweet or toy, but questions why anyone would do this when they don't intrinsically need or enjoy it?

    I think a big part of why we are pushed to learn to socialise is that without these skills, existing in society becomes very difficuly and is only going to make our social ineptitude worse.

    Yes we don't want it most of the time (yet many people here post saying they want it but don't like it) but in order to get things done it is a very useful life skill.

    Lotus said:
    I'm not sure how one tells a NT person that they don't want to see them face to face any more without upsetting them though?

    I would just tell them I don't have the energy to be good company if I had to, but would typically mask up and do it anyway so long as there was going to be a positive outcome for one of us anyway. Sometimes it isn't all about me so if my friend needs some support and to feel connected then I will take the hit and be there for them.

    If it is just to have a chat then booking something time limited and convenient to both would be the best option. A session at the bowling alley, a meal at a known good restaurant or walking the dog - so long as it is time or event constrained and I have time to recover after.

    There is one last and uncomfortable thing to think about - what happens when your partner is no longer there - how do you find social contact or have yourself heard? Sometimes it is worth the cost to have a slightly wider network of contacts just so you have someone who can be there for you.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks Iain for your input, it has made me think about it slightly differently. I do agree that social skills can be useful and I can get on with most people, at least on a superficial level. If someone wants to see me then I suppose they get something out of it, even if it's only some feel good brain chemicals!

    I have thought about the uncomfortable thing you mentioned - I have no problem being alone (I can feel more lonely in a room full of people) and if I had no one and really needed to make a friend, I do have the skills to do this. I appreciate your concerns though.

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks Iain for your input, it has made me think about it slightly differently. I do agree that social skills can be useful and I can get on with most people, at least on a superficial level. If someone wants to see me then I suppose they get something out of it, even if it's only some feel good brain chemicals!

    I have thought about the uncomfortable thing you mentioned - I have no problem being alone (I can feel more lonely in a room full of people) and if I had no one and really needed to make a friend, I do have the skills to do this. I appreciate your concerns though.

Children
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