I’ve been lurking here, not much active for quite some time. I feel tired of everything. It’s probably burnout. The only thing I crave is solitude, my laptop and graphic tablet or paper and colors to paint pictures. I crave it I need it like the air I have ideas what I would paint, yet I’m overwhelmed by constant presence of other people around. This is probably not much related to autism, but a normal natural thing and just my introversion.
i also have some contact to my family (parents and siblings) and I feel I would love to cut it. But at the same time I don’t want to and I can’t.
my family members, especially my mom and sister (future psychologist) make fun of my anxiety and obsessions. It goes always together- I fear something and I think about it excessively and can’t stop getting busy with it. It’s not my special interest, that are always positive, give me joy and as I say - fuel my life. So my family has fun of it, they also recall eagerly my “dramas” from the past. Yeah, meltdowns I had if something was misplaced. Also my dissociative states when I couldn’t control myself at all, and my “quirky” repetitive behaviors, that create me more troubles in life, but for them it’s funny how I look like “insane” when I do it. I have no idea how to speak to them anymore. I have a lot of resentment towards my mom for her ignorance and gaslighting. I would like to tell them, what I think but I’m afraid of being screamed at or even beaten up by them, as I was already threatened in the past. They would have never believed that “the weirdo” has actually some level of disability and needs help instead of bullying. I always lose in discussions because I have slower auditory processing, so I usually stare with blank face and try to make sense of what was said while others happily close the topic with whatever idiotic answer they give me and move on. If I wanna go back to that topic and say something, then I’m difficult. Also if my mom can not defend herself against my argument or simple question, then she also calls me difficult etc.
I’m not sure if anyone can advise anything, probably not, maybe someone has some dort of similar experience and would like to share their story.
