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Struggling with the news I had last night

Rach91

Hi last night my dad phoned me and told me that him and his partner are getting married in August and I’m really struggling with that. After I lost my mum it destroyed us both my dad really struggling for a while we both did. My parents were married for over 30 years. Then my dad found someone else she really nice but isn’t my mum. He is living in Scotland with her now and is happy but it’s a lot for me to take in and I’m really struggling. My friend Rikki said he might be my plus one at the wedding which I am thankful for because I feel I am going to need the support and I know I should be happy for my dad but I don’t understand why marriage? It’s a lot to take in and I feel if my parents were divorced and my mum was still alive it would be a different. 

  • Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can do for your mum, but you can do things for your dad, to make him happy. I understand how hard this can be. My father died at a relatively young age (64). A couple of years later, my mum met a man she had known when she was eighteen, who was now a widower. She was very conflicted about becoming involved again, having had a long and loving marriage. However, I encouraged her, knowing how she needed company and how miserable she would have been on her own, I was working full time, had just bought my own house and was courting my future wife, so I was really unable to give my mum the level of companionship she needed. I did not see this as a betrayal of my dad, but as something very positive I could do the help my mum. She had a very happy relationship for 15 years, until her own death.

  • You are right Rach - that is big news for you to try and digest in one!  Naturally, the news opens up your emotions again regarding all that came previously.  I think you will need some time and head-space to process this news properly.....so please try not to rush yourself with the process.  I suspect that EVERYONE will understand the impact of this news on you, so they will all hopefully grant you some space and time to process things.

    Moving on from the death of a close family member, and the inevitable impact that this causes to the whole family dynamic is massive......AND there are our own personal feelings too.

    I have faith that you will get through this time, and it is clear from what you write, that in your heart-of-hearts, you know everything is AOK, it's just hard!

    I wish you strength, fortitude and comfort......you know where you can get those things from mate.

    All my best to you.

  • I can totally see why this is difficult for you. No one can ever replace your mum - that’s not in question. From what you say it seems your dad loved her because you say he was ‘destroyed’ by her death just as you were. Death is inevitable for all of us - and because of that it’s so important that we try to make the most of life while we have life. You find that the woman your dad is marrying is really nice - so I would focus on that. I’m guessing that you love your dad and that you want him to be happy - not miserable and lonely? Ultimately which is better: for your dad to spend the rest of his life less happy? Or more happy? If this woman is going to make him happier after the trauma of losing his much loved wife then I think that really is a blessing. To actually get married - even though I understand why you have mixed feelings about that - is often important for emotional reasons and practical reasons too. I’m sure they both have good reasons for wanting to take that step. Ultimately we need to accept the things we cannot change - and hopefully accept them with grace. This thing is happening - and I think both you and your dad will be happier if you accept his decision and wish him happiness in this next phase of his life. However painful losing a loved one is we have to go on living and try to enjoy life. You won’t have your dad forever - so be happy for him. Imagine if you had found love again and your family were not happy for you and didn’t want to celebrate your wedding - it wouldn’t feel very good would it? So I would say: don’t fight this - accept it and celebrate WITH your dad that he has been lucky enough to find love again.