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Struggling with the news I had last night

Rach91

Hi last night my dad phoned me and told me that him and his partner are getting married in August and I’m really struggling with that. After I lost my mum it destroyed us both my dad really struggling for a while we both did. My parents were married for over 30 years. Then my dad found someone else she really nice but isn’t my mum. He is living in Scotland with her now and is happy but it’s a lot for me to take in and I’m really struggling. My friend Rikki said he might be my plus one at the wedding which I am thankful for because I feel I am going to need the support and I know I should be happy for my dad but I don’t understand why marriage? It’s a lot to take in and I feel if my parents were divorced and my mum was still alive it would be a different. 

Parents

  • I can totally see why this is difficult for you. No one can ever replace your mum - that’s not in question. From what you say it seems your dad loved her because you say he was ‘destroyed’ by her death just as you were. Death is inevitable for all of us - and because of that it’s so important that we try to make the most of life while we have life. You find that the woman your dad is marrying is really nice - so I would focus on that. I’m guessing that you love your dad and that you want him to be happy - not miserable and lonely? Ultimately which is better: for your dad to spend the rest of his life less happy? Or more happy? If this woman is going to make him happier after the trauma of losing his much loved wife then I think that really is a blessing. To actually get married - even though I understand why you have mixed feelings about that - is often important for emotional reasons and practical reasons too. I’m sure they both have good reasons for wanting to take that step. Ultimately we need to accept the things we cannot change - and hopefully accept them with grace. This thing is happening - and I think both you and your dad will be happier if you accept his decision and wish him happiness in this next phase of his life. However painful losing a loved one is we have to go on living and try to enjoy life. You won’t have your dad forever - so be happy for him. Imagine if you had found love again and your family were not happy for you and didn’t want to celebrate your wedding - it wouldn’t feel very good would it? So I would say: don’t fight this - accept it and celebrate WITH your dad that he has been lucky enough to find love again. 

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  • I can totally see why this is difficult for you. No one can ever replace your mum - that’s not in question. From what you say it seems your dad loved her because you say he was ‘destroyed’ by her death just as you were. Death is inevitable for all of us - and because of that it’s so important that we try to make the most of life while we have life. You find that the woman your dad is marrying is really nice - so I would focus on that. I’m guessing that you love your dad and that you want him to be happy - not miserable and lonely? Ultimately which is better: for your dad to spend the rest of his life less happy? Or more happy? If this woman is going to make him happier after the trauma of losing his much loved wife then I think that really is a blessing. To actually get married - even though I understand why you have mixed feelings about that - is often important for emotional reasons and practical reasons too. I’m sure they both have good reasons for wanting to take that step. Ultimately we need to accept the things we cannot change - and hopefully accept them with grace. This thing is happening - and I think both you and your dad will be happier if you accept his decision and wish him happiness in this next phase of his life. However painful losing a loved one is we have to go on living and try to enjoy life. You won’t have your dad forever - so be happy for him. Imagine if you had found love again and your family were not happy for you and didn’t want to celebrate your wedding - it wouldn’t feel very good would it? So I would say: don’t fight this - accept it and celebrate WITH your dad that he has been lucky enough to find love again. 

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