Feeling heartbroken and upset

I can relate. I discovered that I am Autistic a little over a year ago, at the age of 53. Initially I was shocked, then I was angry. Like you I cannot believe that this had been missed. I've been under the mental health team for years, and seen numerous people. 

I knew something wasn't right, because after all the treatment, input, medication and private counselling I had , nothing was helping. I just thought I was 'broken'. 

I feel relieved now, knowing that I'm not 'broken' but I'm processing decades of my life now. Voluntary and non voluntary. With memories popping up at random, and I'm having regular nightmares. I guess it's just the brain trying to make sense of everything.  I still can't quite believe that I am Autistic. It feels like I'm going to pinch myself and wake up from this crazy journey. 

But I do feel better about myself. I'm more compassionate towards myself, my behaviours and reactions. And I am working on forgiving myself. I did all that I could, with what I knew. Or more to the point with what I didn't know (I'm not sure that makes sense, but I know what I mean). 

I'm changing too. Masking less, making adjusts to make my life easier to manage. It takes time to get to know your real self and understand yourself and your  needs. I still get overwhelmed, shutdown and have meltdowns. But now I know why and I'm kinder to myself. 

I feel for you.

I think there's a cycle of blame here which (we) can buy in to if not careful.  We assume that someone/some people, or some entity bears responsibly for sufferance, and we take the knowledge we have now, and try to apply it retrospectively.  

Autismman I blame my parents (all) the time, even now.  I blame my extended family.  I blame neuro-typicals I grew up with for their intolerance and general dislikeable behaviours, and I blame some of those I've encountered over the years that I thought understood, but plainly didn't.  When I'm done, I blame myself - before starting again. 

Incidentally I have PTSD too, which doesn't help, but you do feel that someone should own the problems, and surely someone must have noticed something !!!!! 

However, I come to the conclusion that people in general are - in the main - self-absorbed.  Very few go that extra mile and notice things, or take action on things that don't directly concern them.  Perhaps people did notice you were struggling, but felt it wasn't their place.

Sometimes we evolve as a society, at least in part - and it doesn't always help those who have had to tread difficult paths - but it could still help those in future generations. 

Didn't read anything I thought rude, it's fine

You're not a hypocrite for not sorting yourself out before - how could you if you didn't know what the issue was? I also used to pretend things didn't bother me or just assumed I was way too sensitive, and I can also find some people boring in social situations. Very few of them have anything to say that interests me, and there are topics I can't talk about because they will look blank at me.

You say that it feels like your mind has had enough. So maybe try looking after it as if it was another person who you care about. If you work, you could take time off - either annual leave or sick leave (giving mental health issues as the reason) If you are invited to a social event and don't want to go, just say no thank you. Give your mind time to rest and work things through, and build in gentle activities like a short walk in a quiet spot where you can appreciate nature, or things you enjoy doing on your own such as reading, games or puzzles. 

I have had some years to work on myself now, and I no longer pretend things don't bother me, because I've learned not to be bothered as there is no point. I try my best not to people please now too, because if people only like me if I do what they want, they're not worth knowing.

Your life is yours, work out what you want and work towards it. I wish you happiness.

Thank you overwhelmed, it’s not always easy to say what you feel and that was very well articulated. In a world where things seem blatantly obvious to me but not to others makes things complicated. I guess I’m a hypocrite for not actually sorting myself out before now but it’s never come to an almost brick wall like this before, I’ve always been able to pretend that things don’t bother me or say to myself that I’m the one who’s way too sensitive and that’s how I’ve always felt, I’m the awkward one, I don’t like socialising because people are boring, I wouldn’t say that just go along with it obviously. There’s something making its way out by force now, something untamed almost, it feels like my mind has had enough but I’m not in the drivers seat any longer. 

Sorry really I reread it and I’m really rude at the start, sorry. 

To be honest, I can certainly relate to this,

I was brought up by people who didn't believe in mental conditions.  I was told, as a child that I was defiant, disobedient and plain awkward.   My Mother continually rebuked me for being the only one that was marching out of step and said that if I didn't make an effort to 'be more like other people' I'd end up sad and lonely. 

In other words, even if I felt different, that was tough, and it was for me to sort myself out, to fit in and I'd get the hang of it eventually.  She made reference to some distant relations she'd lost touch with who'd been similarly difficult and led a life of solitude too.  

Granted she was very old fashioned, but in truth she was also plain ignorant, and wouldn't have liked the stigma of a mental condition infecting the family.  She didn't believe such things actually existed - because she couldn't see them, I guess. 

Years later my brother developed schizophrenia.  She never fully accepted that either, and thought for a long time that others may have pressured him into that state of mind as she couldn't comprehend the notion that he was okay one day and not okay the next (even though that wasn't quite it - just her interpretation)

Medical profession?

In a way I get what you say, but I have a little sympathy for them.  Unless you specifically went somewhere and were mis-diagnosed, or perhaps had a full evaluation and they missed autism altogether, I can see how things get missed.   

They don't have the time to check anyone over thoroughly, physically or mentally - so people fall through nets all the time.  I can present at the Doctor's with symptoms which may indicate one thing, but in reality could be one of ten things - and half the time I feel they hope you get better and stop bothering them, such is their workload. 

Psychiatric services, and secondary care facilities tend to deal with mental health illnesses, and in my experience rarely offer support for Autism or ADHD.  You need to either suspect you have something, or get lucky and someone notice something to place you on a waiting list.  

I guess we also need to remember that ADHD and ASD diagnostics have changed over the years, there is more awareness - and to be blunt, there are more people on the waiting lists.  The recipe isn't great, but I do empathise with your position.

Thanks Matisse, appreciate the kind hearted words 

Thanks and I didn’t know that treatment resistant depression could be a sign of possible autism. Just eager to get things sorted now, going to have to save if I want answers sooner. 

Society can be very hard, and harder on people with autism. Think of all your strengths, focus on them.

I can relate. I wasn't assessed until I was 53 and the assessor remarked that she was surprised I hadn't been picked up before now.

It's hard knowing that you've been battling challenges all your life knowing that something just isn't right. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 18 but I'd been struggling with it long before.

I was having a routine medication review when I was 50 when I was asked if it had been mentioned that I may be autistic. Apparently life long treatment resistant depression is a sign.

Good luck and take care 

Thank you Pixiefox, I actually read your original post in my emails so I got it thank you. I can accept what you are saying but I know I wouldn’t let people down like that, just a little extra care wouldn’t have gone a miss really. You are entirely right about the masking and I’ve done it well up until now but now I don’t know which emotion to choose from or which is even correct, I just don’t know. I will go back to my drs if this doesn’t improve however pills are a tool and not really going to help me in the ways I need. Therapy I think is ideal, it’s not easy to get that though, long waiting lists and in the meantime I’m walking around in a haze wondering how to make myself feel better. 

I just wrote a long reply and it disappeared?

Anyway, to summarise what I wanted to say:

Autism is not curable, only mental illness is, but if you are feeling desperately mentally unwell please seek help with that. 

Medical staff are not given much training in autism, and symptoms can be the same as mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, lack of cognitive empathy, etc. Plus autistic adults usually learn to camouflage autistic traits.

Now that you believe you are on the autism spectrum, it gives you the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Keep reading and learning and I hope that this community helps you feel validated and less alone. Take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. But you are not alone, others feel or have felt this way.

For me, autism was not understood when I was a child in the 1960s, and even when  reached my mid fifties I still didn't know what it really was. It was only because I watched a TV documentary about autism that I started to wonder and then found and took the online tests. Then came the shock - how could I be autistic? I'm intelligent. I can look after myself. I could work. I had a long term partner. 

The thing is, we tend to think that everyone else thinks and feels the same way we do (maybe with the exception of a few with serious disorders like psychopathy) If we learn to behave much like others then it can camouflage our autistic traits. And medical staff don't have good enough autism training to be able to see past that - I believe it can be difficult even for some trained autism assessors. Plus, autism and mental health conditions often cause the same or similar symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, social phobia, lack.of cognitive empathy, etc. 

Autism cannot be cured, you can only get medical treatment for mental health so if you are feeling severely mentally unwell I would urge you to seek treatment for that. But now that you believe you are on the autism spectrum, you can work towards understanding that which will help you understand yourself better. Keep reading and learning, and I hope that this community helps you feel validated and gives you some of the support you need. Take care of yourself.