Feeling heartbroken and upset

I can relate. I discovered that I am Autistic a little over a year ago, at the age of 53. Initially I was shocked, then I was angry. Like you I cannot believe that this had been missed. I've been under the mental health team for years, and seen numerous people. 

I knew something wasn't right, because after all the treatment, input, medication and private counselling I had , nothing was helping. I just thought I was 'broken'. 

I feel relieved now, knowing that I'm not 'broken' but I'm processing decades of my life now. Voluntary and non voluntary. With memories popping up at random, and I'm having regular nightmares. I guess it's just the brain trying to make sense of everything.  I still can't quite believe that I am Autistic. It feels like I'm going to pinch myself and wake up from this crazy journey. 

But I do feel better about myself. I'm more compassionate towards myself, my behaviours and reactions. And I am working on forgiving myself. I did all that I could, with what I knew. Or more to the point with what I didn't know (I'm not sure that makes sense, but I know what I mean). 

I'm changing too. Masking less, making adjusts to make my life easier to manage. It takes time to get to know your real self and understand yourself and your  needs. I still get overwhelmed, shutdown and have meltdowns. But now I know why and I'm kinder to myself. 

I feel for you.

Thanks Matisse, appreciate the kind hearted words 

Thanks and I didn’t know that treatment resistant depression could be a sign of possible autism. Just eager to get things sorted now, going to have to save if I want answers sooner. 

Society can be very hard, and harder on people with autism. Think of all your strengths, focus on them.

I can relate. I wasn't assessed until I was 53 and the assessor remarked that she was surprised I hadn't been picked up before now.

It's hard knowing that you've been battling challenges all your life knowing that something just isn't right. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 18 but I'd been struggling with it long before.

I was having a routine medication review when I was 50 when I was asked if it had been mentioned that I may be autistic. Apparently life long treatment resistant depression is a sign.

Good luck and take care 

Thank you Pixiefox, I actually read your original post in my emails so I got it thank you. I can accept what you are saying but I know I wouldn’t let people down like that, just a little extra care wouldn’t have gone a miss really. You are entirely right about the masking and I’ve done it well up until now but now I don’t know which emotion to choose from or which is even correct, I just don’t know. I will go back to my drs if this doesn’t improve however pills are a tool and not really going to help me in the ways I need. Therapy I think is ideal, it’s not easy to get that though, long waiting lists and in the meantime I’m walking around in a haze wondering how to make myself feel better. 

I just wrote a long reply and it disappeared?

Anyway, to summarise what I wanted to say:

Autism is not curable, only mental illness is, but if you are feeling desperately mentally unwell please seek help with that. 

Medical staff are not given much training in autism, and symptoms can be the same as mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, lack of cognitive empathy, etc. Plus autistic adults usually learn to camouflage autistic traits.

Now that you believe you are on the autism spectrum, it gives you the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Keep reading and learning and I hope that this community helps you feel validated and less alone. Take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. But you are not alone, others feel or have felt this way.

For me, autism was not understood when I was a child in the 1960s, and even when  reached my mid fifties I still didn't know what it really was. It was only because I watched a TV documentary about autism that I started to wonder and then found and took the online tests. Then came the shock - how could I be autistic? I'm intelligent. I can look after myself. I could work. I had a long term partner. 

The thing is, we tend to think that everyone else thinks and feels the same way we do (maybe with the exception of a few with serious disorders like psychopathy) If we learn to behave much like others then it can camouflage our autistic traits. And medical staff don't have good enough autism training to be able to see past that - I believe it can be difficult even for some trained autism assessors. Plus, autism and mental health conditions often cause the same or similar symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, social phobia, lack.of cognitive empathy, etc. 

Autism cannot be cured, you can only get medical treatment for mental health so if you are feeling severely mentally unwell I would urge you to seek treatment for that. But now that you believe you are on the autism spectrum, you can work towards understanding that which will help you understand yourself better. Keep reading and learning, and I hope that this community helps you feel validated and gives you some of the support you need. Take care of yourself.