Written to a guy I like

Me too.  I just think I was feeling really overwhelmed by all.  I think I just need some time away from the subject and let life sort it self out.  

overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U ) said:

I am sorry that you appear to suggest I may have been arguing.  I don't think I was, and I didn't read any of Iain's comments as arguing either. 

We were just exchanging thoughts on the nature of what is acceptable in society and how this changes with time. We don't have to agree but we do have a slighly different viewpoint and I find it refreshing to hear this from others.

Hearing the other person explain their reasons for holding such a view helps me evaluate my own and can be part of personal growth to accept times when I may be wrong or simply see it from anothers perspective.

Okay I understand. 

I am sorry that you appear to suggest I may have been arguing.  I don't think I was, and I didn't read any of Iain's comments as arguing either.   I thought we were speculating as to why people behave as they do, because it is a genuine puzzle to those who don't act in this manner.  For clarity, this isn't arguing either, just clarifying what I mean now, and what I meant in previous comment.  

Iain  overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U )  we could talk about this all day and it does not matter who right or wrong this situation.  I came here for advice not for an argument. I understand the world of communication is changing and I feel this issue sometimes have to ,'agree to disagree'.  I am tired and have decided I need some time away from this it taken energy way from me doing things that I can deal with in the present.  

I look at it through the lens of one of my special interests - social evolution.

So much stuff evolves all the time in society that it is hard to keep up, but if you look back you can see trends forming and cyclical themes in the changes in society.

There are lots of patterns in society, finances, politics etc - it is no wonder that the Foundation series of books was written exploring this at a macro level. Astute work from Isaac Asimov back in the 1950s.

I could go on & on about societal norms, but it is ironic that people with ASD would find standards in the general non-Autistic population aren't up to scratch any longer - in some respects. 

You'd assume it would be those with ASD who'd be unconventional and do the 'wrong' thing, but it seems not!  

overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U ) said:

I think the point I was making that if someone addresses you, I feel you could do them the courtesy of answering

I agree but this does seem to be a changing social norm - the expectation of the response is becoming less important to newer generations.

It is a bit like out grandparents expecting us to wear our Sunday Best at family social events - this faded out in favour of casual clothes a long time ago but they still think it is bad manners.

Admittedy all my grandparents are gone now but I still get some old fashioned comments from my mother about dressing up to meet some people etc.

Times change and standards evolve - not always for the better.

Demand avoidance for immediate social contact seems to be one of these things that changes too. I recall Gen-Z staff in my team never answered their mobile phones when ringing, sending an IM after to ask what the person wanted.

Maybe it is just preferred forms of social interaction - whatever it is, it has changed and I feel old fashioned now.

I think the point I was making that if someone addresses you, I feel you could do them the courtesy of answering - no matter what medium they used.  Even if they've used a medium that isn't your first choice.

Likely it is true that most these days wouldn't generally write a letter.  I wouldn't.  But, if someone wrote to me, particularly about something sensitive, I'd like to think I'd reply.   Just as I would if they'd sent me a text or Whatsapp.  

Perhaps the way IM apps are formulated leads some users to believe it is more acceptable to just read and not reply, but I don't believe that's a valid excuse.   Just some thoughts. 

overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U ) said:

I cannot believe that generally in society we've arrived at a point where it is acceptable to not acknowledge letters - sent in the traditional fashion, or written electronically. 

My experience to a degree with Millenials and certainly with Gen Z is that letters and emails are considered low priority and very old fashioned.

Depending on the age of the recipient this may be a part of their mindset where they are much more used to instant messaging apps and they shun things like the phone or emails / snail mail.

Manners seem to have evolved with each generation in regards to this - just my observations.

It is tricky.  I presume you sent the letter via UK Royal Mail, but there's 1st and 2nd class and you'd need to allow potentially up to 5 working days for someone to receive it if it were the latter.   Possibly another few days to think it over, and what if the reply was coming back via letter, not via message?   Then same time scale again.  You could be looking at three weeks all told. 

It is possible it got 'lost in the post' but unlikely.  It doesn't happen much these days, and generally when it does it is either parcels or packages that disappear or things that are improperly addressed.  

All through my life I have found it frustrating that people don't respond when I expect them to, or when they promise to even.  I was brought up by people who told me that you should 'say what you mean, and mean what you say' and having an ASD mindset fits that perfectly.  It bothers me if I haven't replied to someone, no matter the subject at hand. 

OK this person might be taking time to consider, or might have 1001 things on their plate & it could have slipped their mind - but I'd be concerned that they conduct themselves like that in life generally, and wouldn't make a good fit for someone for me to know going forward - but that's how I'd appraise it.   However, I don't want to judge, and a reply might still come - I hope for your sake it does. 

Thankyou overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U ) .   I agree with you a letter is no different to an email or text and people should response to them. I do find rude when people don't do decent thing and response.  I just don't how long to leave thing or if it got lost in the post or they took card but completely didn't see the letter.  Or they have got it just don't how to response or I didn't make it.

I am sorry for replying three days after you posted.  I've only just seen the post.  Communication is such a personal thing, and everyone seems to have different preferences, expectations and reactions.

I cannot believe that generally in society we've arrived at a point where it is acceptable to not acknowledge letters - sent in the traditional fashion, or written electronically.  To me, it is the height of bad manners and rudeness, and I empathise with your comment that you don't react well to getting no response.  Nor do I. 

In fact, I tend to blame myself, and automatically react as if I have written something wrong, when in fact it is more than likely the person I was writing to couldn't be bothered to answer, didn't get around to it, or was plain ignorant.  I find it hurtful and upsetting, especially when it is someone that I have feelings for. 

I don't see that there are any particular excuses for not answering - even a short line such as 'Thanks for your message, I haven't time to write a full reply, but as soon as I do, I will be in touch' would be better than silence.  

Many people are just so rude.   In my opinion.   There, said it.  

I know it is common-place, so probably best not to get too concerned, but it winds me up like nothing else, and no amount of people telling me it is nothing will make any difference.  I hope you don't react/feel as I do, because internalising does me no favours at all. 

I'd tell others not to let it get to them, yet it gets to me.  So I cannot preach advice I cannot take.   However, I wish you well and hope this person does the decent thing. 

Thank you Another Autistician 

Iain is spot on with his advice.

Don't worry about it too much.

An analogy... I go fishing when I can, when I started on one type of fishing years ago, I caught on my first trip, so I was "hooked" on the hobby. Years later I switched to another type and didn't catch anything for many many trips.

You can easily start to think that -

1. You're no good at fishing
2. You have the wrong kit
3. There are no fish
4. Your methods are wrong
5. Many other things 

But there's so many factors, weather, water level, traffic, barometric pressure, time of day, time of year,  amount of light, pressure from other people, fish just feeling lazy.

This metaphor is designed to explain that you shouldn't give up and don't feel negative, if there is a rejection it's not necessarily any negative reflection on you.  it's difficult when it's something you really want, but it will happen, have a little faith in yourself.

Thank you Iain this advice has settle my mind. 

Rainbowgirl said:

I just wanted some advice as I don't deal well with things especially when my letters are not acknowledged.

It may help to think if some male you have only passing contact with (eg postman who you may have a quick chat with sometimes) wrote to you asking you to chat more on your mobile.

Would you immediately respond or take your time and maybe play some of the usual dating techniques of waiting a few days to build up anticipation?

Maybe he has a partner and does not want to be considered as unfaithful, maybe he has some stuff going on in his life and he has no bandwidth to deal with it or something else that you are just not aware of (maybe he prefers men for example).

This sort of making a move on someone is always fairly high risk because of these reasons so it helps to have low expectations of a response to avoid dissapointment plus if it does work out then the upside seem so much better.

It may also be good to ask him directly when you see him to encourage a frank exchange. Something like "look, I like you and would like to get to know you better - would you be interested in a date?".

Clear, direct and (in my opinion) quite appealing to have a potential partner who knows what they want and doesn't mess about.

For your immediate situation my approach would be to distract yourself, plan the interaction I just mentioned and don't limit yourself to just this one idea - there are plenty of people out there who would probably love to date you if you make yourself move into their circles.