A question

Does being a good (step) dad,granddad, and great granddad(in their eyes) make up for being an abject failure in so many other ways such things are usually defined? Some people get over childhood & teenage bullying and achieve great things. I lacked the inner strength to do so
A situation not helped,no doubt, by far too may years of poor recognition of needs and things I struggle with. But others do well despite that. I can't genuinely say I feel depressed,beyond a dip in mood that's probably SAD. What I can say is that I feel useless and worthless a lot of the time.
  • I feel for you because although my family situation is different to yours, I experience similar thoughts and feelings about failure in the past and present. Growing up, I was expected to achieve academically, financially and socially, but failed miserably in all three. I was often criticised, and I believed it was justified, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. Shame over failure and mistakes have been consuming me. Since being diagnosed as autistic just earlier this month, I now know at least some of my failures were due to autism. I have returned to my old Cognitive Behaviour Therapy handouts and books, and am working on trying to build my self esteem. I am working on the TRUE fact that there is nothing I can do to change the past. The past no longer exists, there is only this moment now. Many of the things I did wrong in the past, that consume my thoughts now, were because of my autism, they were not my fault. I returned to education through part time and semi distance learning in my late 30s and ended with a bachelors degree and a masters with distinction, but I kept thinking there might be something wrong with the degree programmes; this is probably due to low self esteem. I think you are right about many years of poor recognition of needs and struggles contributing to your feelings. To me, being a good dad, grandad and great grand dad sounds like a wonderful achievement, because not everyone is.

  • I'd rather have memories of being loved abd cared for than money and success or success as the world sees it. Try and celebrate the fact that after all you've been through you can give and recieve love, not everyone can, many can't, they lack the trust.

    Never underestimate the power of love, it is the basis of everything else, by being a good and loving step dad and grandad you are giving your family a firm ground to build their lives on. Whatever they achieve be it big or small, will be a reflection of the love they've grown up with.

  • I'm sure you provide value to their lives.

    I just know that I love them,and they love me.

  • I don’t think that making up for anything is necessary. The only person in front of which you have to justify anything is yourself, but maybe that’s the biggest problem here. Try to be a bit more forgiving when judging yourself. You’re alive, that’s great! There’s no set goal you have to achieve, no agenda you have to live up to. Still, it honestly sounds like you actually have achieved a lot, more than many hope for, just by being a great human being. I wonder how many lives besides those of your family members were positively affected by your presence. Look at yourself and you’ll see a very successful surviver and that’s all anyone should be expecting from you for the entirety of your life.

  • I am coming to terms with similar things. 5 years I missed with dad. Many years I missed of my 3 boys. Time fixes a LOT and the best thing you can do is try. If you genuinely try to do better and you try to learn from the past and not dwell on it, the good parts that come around get her faster, more frequently and are a lot better!!

    In your case I would guess if you worked on a way to stop dwelling you and their lives would greatly improve..

  • Also just wanted to add that my husband's grandmother did not achieve things that you might class as "success" but always remembered everyone's birthdays and sent a card with a little money in it. Everyone was fond of her and she is well remembered .

  • I always said that if I had kids (I now do) that I wouldn't become my parents. I had the typical 70/80s upbringing which obviously had it's share of "tough love" and I don't recall much support or encouragement.

    So being available and nonjudgmental is incredibly important.

  • We all fail at some things. I have a good long term relationship with my partner, but failed to maintain good relationships with any other family members, so you should feel good about the relationships you are maintaining. I'm sure you provide value to their lives.

  • I have such a lamp. I'm on Accrete D3. I was put on it after the fractured femur showed that I had premature osteoporosis.

  • If you suffer from SAD, lamps that mimic the wavelengths of sunlight are available, my wife has one. Also take vitamin D supplements.

  • Thank you for taking the time to reply.

  • Does being a good (step) dad,granddad, and great granddad(in their eyes) make up for being an abject failure in so many other ways such things are usually defined?

    I don't think life is all about these checks and balances - our failures are in the past and the best we can do is learn from them and do better in the future. I don't beat myself up over my past failures although there have been times I felt guilt over hurting people in the past.

    I think that being a good person to those who matter is a persuit worthy in its own right, not as a compensation for something that has gone before. Tying these situations together will only bring the negative feelings of the failures in to contaminate the positives of the good you are now doing.

    What I can say is that I feel useless and worthless a lot of the time.

    I think we all have inherent worth, yourself included. You are clearly trying hard to demonstrate this and that is really all we can do in life - do our best to the limits of our capacity.

    Unfortunately as autists we often have factors that limit our capacities but the important thing is to be consistent in applying your efforts when you are capable - this is you literally being your best self.

    If you can afford it, I think talking this through with a capable, autistic understanding therapist would work wonders for you.

    For now, just keep on doing what you are doing, take credit for the small wins and learn to forgive yourself and you should find your feeling of self worth slowly returns.