Worrying about people liking you

Much as I am able to rationalise the idea that "not everyone will like you", I feel it's a bit more complex than that.

If someone that's present in my sphere doesn't like me or has an issue with me, especially if it's someone I care about upsetting, it goes beyond "oh, they don't like me". It becomes "are they going to get revenge/try and destroy me?".

I also find myself struggling with my friends too. It's nothing that they've done wrong, it's entirely my own problem, but I go through phases of questioning if they like me. I fear that they're going to abandon me and occasionally I might want some reassurance but I wouldn't know how to go about it in the best way - I obviously wouldn't ask every day but sometimes I may feel like I need it.

  • Yeah, I've always felt like that during school, College and university, and even when I was first looking for a job back in 2018,

    I'm not good at communication in any situation. I will always be polite and well-mannered when talking to others. But I've always felt like, I didn't come across as enthusiastic and they don't like me. I still fell like that sometimes today, But I don't really let it bother me as much as it used too. 

  • That's a good way to end up with few real friends and a load of pretenders who realise that if they overtly "like" you they can then then exploit you. We all suffer form that at some point I think.

    Being Autistic is a lot like bing an immigrant to an estblished society. soem peoepl will fidn you intersting then get bored. Some peoel will dislike you immediately becuse theyve met peoel liek you before adn it didn't go well. (Bear in mind that our natural but regualr requests for cliarifcation and explanation can often expose trickery to the light inadvertantly, and many NT lives are a series of trickery and one-upmanship plays, and we are the natural antithesis to that) .

    In short if you want any REAL friends, you will have to wade though a lot of charlatans, and also MANAGE your friends better than the NT's do. 

    Elsewhere in the Brown Fountain thread, there are some people who don't understand why some us find such joy in our pets / animal companions. They claim that animal minds are too simple to be rewarding. That lack of "sophistication" is teh entire thing. With my cat I CAN live in harmony, I CAN always be doing the right thing, and they almost NEVER run off with your best friend, taking half your stuff and trashing your reputatiion whilst they do it. The much maigned "service" component of having a pet wich involves expense and activity on your part seemingly for no gain, excercises a part of one's personality that is really needed for human relationships. A vital trick with any pet is to be able to say NO, at the correct and appropriate times, and they stop pestering you unless it's really important.

    The sweet spot is when you are neither slave to your pet nor are you their slave-master. The term "animal companion" then starts to make a bit more sense. This is GREAT training for when you eventually have children, a lot of the principles you learn with dealing with animals are transferrable to children.

    I prefer cats to dogs precisely because they can be hard work and being a bad temepred human does not get you your way with them. You HAVE to grow diplomacy skills to get along with cats.

    Although it's a simpler task, learning how to make animals like and respect you is a stepping stone to being able to do the same with humans.

    In short. If learn how to fakle NICE to a point where it becomes your go-to strategy, and you can no longer tell the point at which you are faking it or doing it for real is a far better strategy fro animals and humans alike. 

    Cats DEFINEITELY do have distinct personalities, and they CHOOSE who they haev tiem for and who is beneath them. You have to learn each new one that comes into your life (just like with people) and I've found that ignoring their obvious distain and still being "nice no matter what" will win a cat over that really does not like you, completely, say, over three years. That also works with people...

    I've gradually learned to recognise the signs of when people need a bit of a break from me, so teh key to having friends is to keep making them continously, by being the nicest verson of yourself tha you can manage so that everyone "kinda likes you" and gradually find out which ones are genuine enough to interact with more.

    Friendships thrive on shared activities and routines. That's why we can inadvertantly break what felt like a really strong friendship simply by moving a small distance away or no longer going to the same school / club etc.   

    I feel for you lonlier me,bers of the forum I really do.

    I was lucky, the constant battering and psychological torture I received in my home as well as outside as a child made learning some basic psychology a survival requirement for me. 

    You have to learn how to MAKE & MAINTAIN friends, they don't just move into the next apartment like the T.V. tries to tell you. 

  • It's harder when someone liked you at one point but for whatever reason, it soured.

    The problem is I don't believe it unless they say "I like you" no matter how they show it (such as doing something where they've thought of you), and even then I have doubts.

    Sometimes I feel like disappearing to see who reaches out, but I don't think I could do that for very long without feeling guilty. Plus I basically did that for a year, though I was off social media completely and changed my phone number so I can hardly criticise anyone for not reaching out.

  • Years ago, I had friends who I thought were good friends. They told me they needed space because they were struggling, and I was happy to give them that. Maybe it was the lack of communication from the perspective of "feel free to reach out whenever you're ready", or me not knowing whether I should check in or not, but in all of those cases, things were never the same.

    I tried to rescue/make sense of it but everything just made it worse.

  • I don't have any friends IRL. Online the 'bullying related trauma' f***s with my head. The more people get to know me the more I expect to be rejected. My response is to go  into avoidant mode and cut off contact.

  • I have had the same thing, Cat woman

  • I wonder that too and it takes quite a long time for me to feel comfortable with people, I've really beaten myself up about some stuff that I may have said or done and all it's various permutations of interpretation, then I've appologised to the person I fear I might have upset, only to find that not only were they not upset, but they hardly noticed whatever it was.

  • I realised some time ago that people do occasionally give me that reassurance without me asking for it. The problem is I can never quite bring myself to believe it. I suppose actions over a long period of time are far more indicative of real intent than any words.

    Good to see you posting here again.