Does it matter? Not everyone needs to date or be in a relationship.
There's a whole neurotypical/heteronormative/programmed way of thinking that we are somehow unfulfilled unless we have XYZ. We don't have to date, we don't have to have a partner, marry, have kids or anything else. It's fine to be who you are (as long as you're not hurting anyone else imo).
PS. The typo in Anonymous is driving me nuts.
I would recommend getting a trained therapist with experience of dealing with autistic clients. It isn't cheap (starting at about £50/hr) but the benefits were so worth it for me.
In some way the fact you have to pay for it makes you take it more seriously and work harder at it so the results are better.
It's been 20 years since I left school, but this is still very much with me
Have you tried therapy? As in a psychologist?
I found it a game changer for me as it helped process a lot of the childhool traumas (kidnapping and public beatings) that I had never really dealt with.
A therapist well versed in autism is also a great way to find techniques to deal with issues that you struggle with. Perhaps they could help you with preparing for dating more effectively, to improve whatever skills you need for this and teach you techniques to manage anxiety etc.
Well, I've always known I was different from everyone else, and no matter how hard I tried to fit in at school, I just couldn't do it. I was the easiest in my group of friends to pick on and make fun of, and they even said so. But unfortunately, unlike you, I didn't have the looks to compensate for it.
It's been 20 years since I left school, but this is still very much with me
What sort of challenges did you have to face when you were growing up, at school, trying to fit in etc?
I would say the things that you were not supposed to say in coversations, took things too literally, didn't understand the rules of social interactions so would often get picked on and was generally too loud.
In secondary school I was lucky that I wasn't bad looking so one of the girls who had a highish social standing took me on as a bit of a "project" to make me presentable as her arm candy and she was direct enough in her instructions that I learne both the rules of acceptable behaviour and a range of useful bedroom skills that I hadn't anticipated.
It was only after I left to go to Uni that we split up but I always appreciated the skills she taught me, especially when to say nothing and to use headology on the person you were talking to.
Later in life I followed this impetus and learned more about social rules and psychology and have been able to pass unseen amongst neurotypicals all my adult life.
Now I have the diagnosis I know why I have been this way and took steps to get out the rat race (retired at 54 as an IT manager and now run my own property business in my spare time).
How about you, what were your trouble spots in school?
How old were you when you were diagnosed?
54
if you say so
I'm just another autist sharing my experiences, not an oracle.
Do what you choose but I hope it gave some ideas.
As an aside, I have heard from many females in the past that self pity is a deeply unattractive quality so I would suggest you speak to a therapist and work on this.
say I do manage to attract a woman by masking, will I have to keep that up throughout the rest of the relationship
No - you are only masking to get a chance to "show your worth" to the other person through the other conversations you can have.
The "no weirdos" defence is our biggest challenge in getting to talk to the prospective dates so think of it more as deferring showing your true self until you are confident it will be received well. If they seem like they will freak out then it gives you time to back out with grace and keep any reputation intact.
Well, you've said it, I learnt that the hard way. But say I do manage to attract a woman by masking, will I have to keep that up throughout the rest of the relationship, especially if it gets to the point of us moving in together?
So that saying "be yourself" isn't helpful in all cases
If you are trying to socialise with a neurotypical then being yourself is often a bad move until they get to "know" you a bit better - they get freaked out by our authentic selves as we bare a striking resemblance to the sort of weirdos they were were warned about by their parents.
Masking greatly helps the initial interaction and gives you a chance to "sell yourself" better to a prospective date.
You really need to have some aspects that are interesting to them to make this work however and if you only live in a world with your special interests then you are not going to get far.
Have you ever tried to be someone you're not??
I used to live like that - it is called masking.
And yes, I'm autistic - in my late 50s so had a lot of experience with it.
I'm speaking from experience - I've not been without a partner since I was 19 and this involved a lot of me acting how I was expected to act, not how I felt and that cost me a lot through the years.
If you have the basics such as good hygiene, dress in a way that doesn't stand out too much from your peers and can have an intelligent conversation about things that are not just in your special interest area then it is all about finding someone with shared interests.
I took a job that got me out and around the staff in whatever company I worked for and this brought me into contact with ladies who found my confidence in my skills appealing (masking at play here) and who enjoyed my sense of humour.
I was a biker at the time and I guess riding a big motorbike and wearing leathers had a certain appeal to some.
In the long run it is about breaking the ice and making the connection that gets things to the point where you can be more authentic. This needs you to use those acting skills and to learn stuff that is likely to bring you in contact with the people you are looking for.
Maybe take a cookery course, learn to sew in a class or learn a language where you come in contact with others.
Another very important thing is knowing what not to talk about - you will have had interactions where this has been pointed out to you in the past - learn from these interactions and keep that stuff to yourself.
It isn't a huge price to pay for the rewards it brings in my eyes, but that is only my perspective.
how would you feel after a nine-year long dry spell, and bring too much of a weirdo *** to do anything about it?
You say you bring too much weirdo *** to do anything about it. You realise you are making a choice to do this - you can mask should you choose or find ways to change your behaviour.
These are all skills you should have learned as part of your acting side hussle.
We all have the ability to change our behaviour - if we didn't then criminals would never get out of jail for example. You choose not to change and while it is a valid choice, it is the reason you are where you are in the dating scene.
My recommendation would be to work on this if you want to get a date - look beyond your own world for interests to share with others, find what behaviours are seen as unappealing and consider if you want to change.
Ultimately if you want to remain your current authentic self then there is no point going on about being undatable - this is through choice. You can be more datable if it is important enough to you.
Well, I wish I found it as easy to accept as you. What makes it especially hard is coming across great women you know you obviously don't qualify for
I think I can relate to how you're feeling, because I've been there myself. When I was younger and ventured out more, I felt invisible when it came to attracting attention from the opposite sex, and yet my female friends never seemed to have any difficulty attracting great men.
During my adult life, I have spent more time out of a relationship than in one, so I know only too well what it's like to have lengthy dry spells, and to also feel lonely. My last relationship was over 10 years ago, which I ended because it just wasn't a good relationship for me and made me desperately unhappy.
Since then, I've not been actively looking, mainly because it seems like more hassle than it's worth. I've more-or-less accepted now that if I spend what is left of my life being single in every sense of the word, then so be it.
I think I can relate to how you're feeling, because I've been there myself. When I was younger and ventured out more, I felt invisible when it came to attracting attention from the opposite sex, and yet my female friends never seemed to have any difficulty attracting great men.
During my adult life, I have spent more time out of a relationship than in one, so I know only too well what it's like to have lengthy dry spells, and to also feel lonely. My last relationship was over 10 years ago, which I ended because it just wasn't a good relationship for me and made me desperately unhappy.
Since then, I've not been actively looking, mainly because it seems like more hassle than it's worth. I've more-or-less accepted now that if I spend what is left of my life being single in every sense of the word, then so be it.
Well, I wish I found it as easy to accept as you. What makes it especially hard is coming across great women you know you obviously don't qualify for
