Making Friends as an Adult

Hi Jimtester5  Sorry you are feeling lonely.  If you have no friends, don't worry, most people are not worth knowing anyway. Don't try to make friends, you might end up rejected, and feel worse. Just get confidence in yourself and get on with life. You might suddenly hit it off with somebody and you will get a true friend. Or commit to a dog - and it is a commitment. A relationship with a dog is like any other relationship - the more you put in, the more you get back. But with a dog, if you have a bad period, the dog will stay with you.

You have my sympathies. I went to University for the first time at 25, and felt the same way as you when I first arrived. I think I had it a bit easier thanks to the Internet allowing me to find a group of close friends I could play D&D with within my first month of arriving at University. 

Working through scenarios like a social butterfly at work, especially working in foreign cultures, is never easy. My policy here in Thailand is just to be myself and then if people speak up, then I will acquiesce or assert my case when it is necessary. For example, I wear a hat at work all the time to avoid straining my eyes and I keep a beard despite it being something you never see a Thai person sporting. No one has picked me up on these things, and I never make a point of showing that i'm better than them, so life goes on as normal.

I'm glad you've managed to find something that leaves you feeling content.

In my case, I gave up trying to make friends decades ago. I was diagnosed when I went to university aged 30. I knew I struggled with normal social skills, so the diagnosis helped, but I immediately put that under wraps - I would need to compete in the job market later.  I was lucky I studied at Imperial College London, where the emphasis was on getting the degree and not socialising or joining things. My classmates were 12 years younger than me and that would otherwise be additionally difficult for me. In my career as an IT analyst, I spent most of the time working in foreign countries where I was not expected to join in things. When I had a contract in UK, I felt so different and miserable. "Dress-down Fridays" were the worse. I know how to wear a suit and tie, but what do I wear on Fridays?  I was told I need to be "smart-casual" - what is that? Some of my colleagues showing off the Kalvin-Klein shoelaces...  Look at this shirt - only £99.. How do I begin to relate to that.  When I am not working I photograph insects and take Coursera courses in subjects like "Biochemical Principles of Energy Metabolism". At aged 70 I realised I have no friends. Local people in the doggy park are pleasant to me. For me, that is enough, I am tired.

I really struggle with making and maintaining relationships. I have pretty much isolated myself because it is just such a huge mental, even physical, effort to meet new people. If I do make a friend I either go all in and usually end up very hurt and betrayed, or struggle to maintain it as I don't seem to understand how to maintain. 

I actually thought I was happy on my own, but I've recently realised that, bar my immediate family, I have nobody, and that is actually really scary. I would LOVE. to make some new friends....maybe it would be easier here, but it would be great to really get to know people and then maybe catch in IRL.

Like many I was very late to the show with my diagnosis.  I just dont have friends. Its a very lonely way to live but making connections is almost impossible. Once i left schooling in my youth all of my meaningful friendships faded with time.

Thx for the reply.  i was diag late as in 4 years ago.   Booze worked great for socializing ...too a point.   I stopped all alcohol about 11 years ago.. switch to cannabis (100% legal) ...which is way better at moderation.  Still the aspy stuff is now so obvious  and super annoying.   Now my brain is clear to think 1000 miles an hour and analyze and re-analyze people during a conversation...and hence the problem of figuring out intent since i've come up with so many possibilities and analyzed them for the threat vs. reward for me. 

I too find that working out people's intent can be difficult. Trusting people generally is a big problem for me. I've seen too much contradictions in people's behaviour to believe much people say or do , or believe their motives. I tend to assume everyone is lying to avoid the anxiety trying to figure it out.

I was late diagnosed, had it been sooner they'd probably have labelled me an aspie, but as it was later I'm "ASC 1". I find socialising does make me very anxious, that's where I find I need to have a drink to help, but then get caught in the landslide of having way too much once I've had one!

I've got a great family, but outside a few very close friends (that came with the wife) and a couple of mates I met through work, I've got nobody else. To be honest it's easier not having the overhead of a lot of people to deal with, I don't think I dislike people, I just struggle so find it easier to avoid them.

don't know where to start here.  just joined, late diag aspy... no hobbies few real friends...angst going anywhere social, or far away, in the city,etc.  When people, women and men, are friendly never know if its sexual or trying to sell me something or  just being friendly.  very very frustrating...and lonely

Nothing that anyone hasn't already said... I find the same, mostly friends are working related or from hobbies. But I tend to chose ones can do in isolation to avoid people and recharge my social battery....

I agree. I've experienced long term loneliness before (measured in years) and it definitely made me unhappy. Finding any way of interacting with people you like at a pace that's good for you will probably benefit your mental health.

I'm sorry you're living in solitude - we do need someone to talk to and I'm lucky I have my partner. Hope this forum helps a bit, and good luck with finding a friend.

I'm happy you've managed to reach that state of acceptance. Perhaps it's my age speaking, but I find the idea of living in solitude with no one to talk to a deeply troubling prospect. I love dogs so I know i'd always want to have one with me, but I need to have at least some people I can talk to regularly to avoid myself spiraling into a worse state.

Couldn’t agree more with your last statement pixiefox - that’s my philosophy now. Any other approach is just too exhausting

Ah that does sound complicated. I hope you find something that works for you once you are in your new situation.

So it's a bit complicated. I'll be doing my PGCE full-time in September somewhere in England. Where is dependent on who decides to offer me a place, and could be anywhere from Newcastle to York currently. That's why I haven't actively committed to looking into any social media groups yet. I'll be staying with my parents who live deep in the Scottish Highlands, halfway between Aberdeen & Inverness, and will be up to my neck in paperwork for those 4-5 months before I move back down south.

Tragically I don't know many places to hike in Northern England, and would likely need some kind of assistance in working that out. Something which is made doubly awkward thanks to the aforementioned current lack of clarity on where I will be living once home. 

Something I also struggle a lot with is finding interest in things for myself. I have very niche interests, and if I don't see something as interesting I tend to not bother trying it. I need someone else to push me, basically. I find it hard to envision myself going to a library, looking at a board, and seeing something that would genuinely intrigue me. But all the power to you for finding something that works for you! I'm glad it works; i'm just skeptical it would work for me alone. By the same token, i'm not sure there are any classes/workshops that would stick out for me.

I'm happy to look into these things but I don't expect many tangible results.

A hiking/walking group sounds like a good place to start! You absolutely can hike on the flat, it's just a different experience from hill walking, for instance maybe taking in local landmarks or walking to places of historical interest.

Are you ok with social media places like FB? Perhaps while you are still abroad, you could join a FB group of a walking group near the place where you will be staying.

Let them know you will be moving to the area and are looking to get some info about walks in the area. Chatting with group members online would also help with meeting in person when you move there.

I like walks too, but I'm not part of a group. I tend to just go myself or with a few friends. Even if I'm going to the same places again, it's nice to see how they change with the seasons.

The hobby group I am a part of is a craft one at my local library. The library info board can be a good place to see what is on offer in your area. They also sometimes run social coffee groups once a month for people who want to meet new people.

I like arts and making things, so there is a local studio that is offering messy art classes on a fortnightly basis. I might also go along to those, not for the purpose of making friends, but just because it's something I want to do. Is there a class or workshop you would be interested in doing?

Anyway, hope some of this helps.

You have my sympathies; I feel like I am in a similar situation besides the agoraphobia. My connections to the people who I thought were my friends back home have been extremely tenuous since I have been here. I may hear back from the odd person once every week, but my main point of contact is my mum who calls me every few days to check up on me. 

Maintaining friendships over a long period is very difficult without regular contact. We simply weren't designed to be terminally online 24/7 as COVID lockdowns proved. I wish I had a better answer for you Freckles, but it's something I am struggling with as well. I'm happy to have a chat in the dm's if you feel like reaching out.

Doing a bit of a larger reply since multiple people have hit the point of Hobby Groups. I think that is a valid way to get out of the rut, I am just struggling to find something genuinely engaging to consider looking into. 

Half of it is my own fault. I'm currently working in Thailand for the next 4 months, so there's not a lot I can do in finding those connections back home in the UK yet. I would like to actively look into finding something new to have as a special interest but I am struggling to find something that appeals to me. My previous major interest was in Card Games, which has become difficult for me to pursue due to a terrible decision that I am suffering the mental repercussions of. 

While in Thailand, I have found that I enjoy walking a moderate amount as a way to clear my head from stress. I went hiking in the Jungles during my break from work and aside from having probably some of the worst clothing, and an overpacked bag, it was a fun experience to go through. I'm not sure if there is much overlap between Autistic people and hiking, particularly in England where our home is mostly flat besides places like the Peak or Lake District which are very dependent on you living in a particular location. 

I'm happy to look into other things; i'm just not sure where to start. I liked watching disney/pixar movies a lot with my ex, but that was part of the experience of being in a relationship rather than something I would seek out on my own terms. 

For those of you who found a Hobby Group, what did you find and how did you start out?

I agree with the advice of others about hobby groups. Of the two active friendships I think I have, one I regularly invite around my home to play video games, the other I try to watch movies with. I also have a group of people I play board games with. Having the activity as well means I don't have to focus solely on talking, something else can help drive the conversation if I get stuck.

I'm actually going to try something new tomorrow, going to a meetup around films and will (hopefully) talk to some new people. I'm very nervous about it because I've never met this group before, going on my own and won't be familiar with anyone. I've been writing down in my journal notes to remind me of things I could say. But I've also tried to focus on the positive things too - like I said, it's a group around a common theme/activity, so that should help me with conversation starters. I also found I just had to say I'd do it and then worry about how it was going to work later, otherwise I would have just dithered forever about it and not done anything. Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and go for it.

To the mods - I tried to edit this and tapped "report as abuse" in error - why is this option available for our own posts, and why is it right above " edit"? It's very annoying.