Turning 30 in a couple of weeks and worried about my future...

As a 54 years old gay man living alone with no partner, boyfriend or husband, I am absolutely dreading my old age past age 65 

#childfree for the win! Though I'm very happy for anyone who wanted kids and has them. For myself, it's lovely to spend occasional and highly valued time time with nephews and nieces... and then go home to a blissfully childless house!

Hi Amy, I’m sorry you are feeling so worried at the moment. I think if we focus a lot on the future and every possible eventuality most of us would feel pretty overwhelmed. It’s worth bearing in mind that often when we worry like this we make a lot of assumptions that we actually don’t have much evidence for. For example - your worry that no one would want a relationship with you if you couldn’t have children - there are plenty of people who don’t actually want to have children (for example my youngest son is very confident that he doesn’t ever want to have children) - so it’s not necessarily a deal breaker for many people. Another example - having eczema prone skin - my eldest son’s girlfriend has that too - and it definitely didn’t cause any problems for them in their getting together and being in a long term relationship. Most people have a health issue of one kind or another at various times - it’s not unusual or something that should stop you finding a relationship. 
So try not to only look on the bleaker side of your situation - it best to try and encourage optimism in your thinking if you can. I know it’s not easy - but it’s possible. It takes time but we can learn to challenge our patterns of negative thinking and be more positive and hopeful. 
Periods can be irregular for all sorts of reasons - and stress can definitely do that. I think you’re right to go to the doctor - hopefully they can put your mind at rest. 
It’s great that you’re volunteering at the charity shop and enjoying it - maybe you’ll meet someone there! You never know! 

I had a crisis at 30 too - it seems common, from the posts on here.

When I turned 30 I was married, we had a rented home that we had decorated and furnished beautifully, and my husband had a good job, so it sounds like we were sorted and settled. But his job was dead end and stressful, I flitted from one job to another and couldn't settle anywhere, and we were getting stressed from gangs of teenagers on the council estate where we lived. I wished we had been able to do something creative for work, as we were both into music and art & design, but felt it was too late to do that and we couldn't afford to go on courses. We also had never been abroad, and still lived in the town where we were born.

By the time I turned 40, I was settled into a job which had given me study support and I had gained a useful qualification - it wasn't creative, but it still felt I had achieved something. We owned a house which we had bought a few years before, and we started going on holiday abroad which broadened our experience. The following year we moved to another town where we had always fancied living. So 30 isn't the end of things, you can still do lots of things well into your forties.

Comforting or just sentimental? >I'm sure even the world's oldest people still have moments like this... 

Thirty was probably the milestone that gave me the biggest existential crisis. But by forty... not a bit of that. Two main reasons:

1. I think I was always 40-something on the inside, and waiting for the rest of my peers to catch up so that all the dreadful fast-paced things of youth they actually wanted to do were truly out of their system. Now they do the things I'd always preferred: gentle walks, a meal out and an early night... and finally the idea of pubs and clubs nauseates them just as much as it always did me! Anyway, my 40s-since-even-a child self finally is who is is on the outside too. There's (some) peace in that! 

2. Took a while to really see it, but I think that 30s where we as human beings of (hopefully/potentially) an average-or-(again, hopefully!)longer lifespan fully take on board that there is an actual end-point to our lives. We've conceptually/notionally grasped that earlier in life but 30 is when one can actually start to hear hear the approaching waterfall, not just acknowledge it's there on the map. That's why all those 'shoulds' (every one of them nonsense of course, please do what gives you peace and if you can minimise comparison - I got very ill for a time doing the latter and it only detoured my perfectly-acceptable and agreeable quiet/solitudinous life) come into sharper relief around 30. 

I can almost guarantee you that once you're in your 31st year, the volume on your worries as you've listed them will be turned down. And one day, thirty will sound to you as impossibly young as it does to me from here. Enjoy yourself... (and I won't add the rest just now!)

As a suggestion, have you ever tried writing in a journal/diary? I do it occasionally because I find keeping all the thoughts in my head too much, especially keeping emotions bottled up. So I write it down on paper instead, the act of writing helps me empty my head in a way. For instance, you wrote a long list of what is worrying you - and when seen all at once, it does look scary! When I break something like that down though bit by bit, to me it becomes a lot of smaller, more manageable issues, and I can focus on them better. I also try really hard to make it end up more positive - naturally if I'm feeling anxious about something, then I'll write down everything that is worrying me, but then I'll force myself to think of a more positive side to each one or figure out how I could overcome something.

I've spent much of my life having that doubt you have too, like I am not like everyone else and not experiencing what others are. In my early 40s I've finally learned to let go of that (for the most part). A lot of people from this community have helped me realise that it doesn't matter that you or I are so unique that we don't fit into a crowd, that is probably a good thing because I don't actually want to be like a lot of other people if I really thought about it. Take some time to be happy with yourself in whatever way you can.

I can remember feeling very down and depressed when I had been approaching my 30th birthday, and it had a lot to do with what I perceived to be societal expectations, and not having achieved many of the things my peers had. It also greatly annoyed me when other people would say, "Ah, but you're still young. No need to be worrying about stuff like that!"

When I was approaching my 40th, not much had changed. However, the thought of turning 40 didn't bother me.

I'm now approaching 50. It's bothering me, but I don't think it's because of the things I still haven't achieved. It's more the thought of being half-a-century old. Major panic because I'll no longer be a woman in my 40s, which might seem laughable to people who are in their 60s, 70s, 80s, etc.

I have accepted that some of the things I had hoped to achieve in my life may never happen. If that's the case, all I can do is try to make the best of my life without those things. For example, when I was younger I'd had an almost fairytale-like notion of being married by the age of 21. I have yet to find my significant other, but if it does happen, I know there's no guarantee that it would make me feel any happier or fulfilled.

I'm a 50 year old bloke, I won't try and suggest I know how a young woman would feel, but I can offer a little advice generally on things from a few milestones further on...

You are definitely over thinking things, it's normal to hit certain milestone birthdays and evaluate your whole life, but don't assume that you have to fix it all at once. Remember that old phrase about "how to eat an elephant" , answer being "one bite at a time".

Also, don't assume that all these things you think you should be doing are mandatory, life is about doing what you feel makes you happy, unless that's something really awful, then you should focus on that happiness and find a way to fuel it.

I've spent a lot of my life worrying about what people think of me, doing things I feel I should do based on what others do. I've done ok and wouldn't change anything too much in my life now, but I'd have spent a lot less time stressing about stuff and more time enjoying it, had I got the perspective I have now.

So rather than thinking "I'm not married" or "I'm single" etc. try to think "am I happy?" And work from there.

The thing you need to avoid is regrets. Don't be hard on yourself, try and look for things that make you happy.

All very easy to say, I know it's not always easy to do! We're all always here to offer advice, it might not always be good advice, but it's free at least! 

Hi, 

I know this response comes to you much later than most others, and I hope you have received the wisdom of people who have been through more than me, but I will say my peace regardless as I feel it's something I can heavily relate to. 

First of all, for reference, i'm a 28 year old guy. Not quite 30, but close enough to where I can perfectly understand your perspective on aimlessness; it is something that until quite recently I was struggling with quite a lot. What you are feeling is perfectly valid and reasonable; finding purpose in life is something I am still very much working through personally. 

People of our generation were dealt a very bad hand in life. Houses are practically unaffordable unless you have a 'fortunate' event like a loved one passing you a significant amount in a will, or some other event. Rent in most places will be eating up a large portion of our income, and many of the places we would go to hang out to de-stress have been stolen away by Govt. mismanagement and COVID. These things, just like your skin or your Neurodivergence are not your fault. You didn't choose to have these issues be a part of your life, and your struggles in working through them are perfectly valid. Never tell yourself otherwise, okay?

There are so many people out there who would love and appreciate you, despite the issues you think you have with finding people. Speaking for myself for a moment; I can't go to clubs or pubs either. One of my Autistic triggers is lots of loud chatter all around me, and I nearly had a bad breakdown when I was in that same situation in Paris nearly five years ago. Now I categorically refuse to go to those places unless I am forced to. I doubt I am the only person out there who feels this way either. As long as you give yourself the opportunity to see people, those people who are able to love you will find you.

If I were in your shoes, I think the first step I would try to take is to evaluate the skills and hobbies I do have, and what I can do with them to earn a sustainable living. Now, if you're anything like me, you're almost certainly going to need someone else to tell you stuff you're good at so it sounds believable to yourself. I would recommend asking a close friend, or if one isn't available, a careers advisor to help you figure out your next steps sustainably. 

The last thing i'll end on is that i've also recently felt that very same feeling of being left behind by my peers. My cousin recently got married, and she is only 12 days older than I am. (Also named Amy, fun fact) That was a big reality check for me, even after I had decided several years before that to actively commit to my path of getting a degree and finding a job.

I hope this helps a little? You're not alone, and if you need someone to talk to about anything, I am happy to help. 

- Para

1. There are lots of good reasons a person might have to shy away from casual sex but a lack of body confidence isn't one. Unless you are ugly nearly to the point of being deformed I guarantee you some one is interested. The real question is are you satisfied with your first time being with just a 'someone.'
2. hmm I don't know what your dad is like. But you shouldn't have to put up with abuse. However it's been my observation that those who have been abused often become over sensitive and see tendency to abuse where it isn't. All dating involves risk and you'll never really find out what a man is like until you spend some time with him. You have to be willing to take a risk and cut your losses if it doesn't pan out.
3. In which case you probably need to prioritise this area of your life in the next 10 years. After 40 conceiving can be tough. The average woman's fertility drops by 80% between 30 and 40. You may need to consider having a child outside of a relationship. Although realistically this would make finding a husband harder. Life is full of hard choices.
4. Most men prefer it but most men are willing to overlook a flaw or 2 if you make up for it in other areas. It's important to showcase your strengths and make up can hide a lot.
5. I mean you need to get used to that. Saying no and talking about sex I mean. Some men like shy girls, others prefer confident sex kittens. No man likes mixed messages when it comes to sex though. Maybe start exposing yourself to what makes you uncomfortable. If you have friends who talk about sex a lot why not try to join in?
6. True like I said you have to do a lot of filtering. You will get a lot of interest but you'll need to put the mental effort in to find the guys you want in that long list of messages. But there are plenty of free apps.
7. Consider learning how to use a spreadsheet or custom budgeting app. Some banking apps also have features that help auto categorise your bank statement topically.
8. There are book clubs for reading. Student societies have video game clubs and some are open to non students, don't be afraid of crossing that age gap. Some student societies specialise in watching specialist cinema too like cult film, anime or foreign cinema.

Hi thanks for replying ️

1. I don’t think I would be good with casual sex. First of all I prefer men, second of all I am self conscious about my body and third of all I don’t think anyone would be interested in me anyway ‍️

2. Maybe, but I do love a funny guy. What I meant by I’m worried I will end up with someone like my dad is about mental ab**e.

3. I’ve already spoke to my doctor. I will be getting a scan to check things out. And also I would love kids so being with someone who doesn’t want kids probably wouldn’t work.

4. Already spoke to a dermatologist about my skin and I have cream for it. Just worried that some men may expect women to have smooth clear skin ‍️

5. I’m just genuinely a shy person until I get to know you more and I become a bubbly person. Also it helps if me and a person have stuff in common that helps me come out of my shell. I think the uncomfortable parts would be talking to guys, sex (talking about or wanting/doing), I find it hard to say no sometimes …there are probably other things but at the moment I can’t think of

6. I tried dating apps years ago and I just ended up with creeps or guys who just want casual sex . Also it’s kind of hard to experience an app when there is things you got to pay for to experience the app better.

7. I’m thinking of getting a budgeting diary of sort and see if I can do it properly and really focus on my spending.

8. Well I love gaming, reading, watching movies, doing outdoor activities such as bowling, day trips etc

I think I have answered everything  x

AmyLR94 said:

What has me worried are:
- I'm turning 30 and have no boyfriend and I'm still a virgin
- I'm scared that if I do end up with someone that they could end up like my dad
- I'm worried that because I haven't had a period that I could be infertile, which then makes me more worried that who would want to be with me when I can't have children.
- I have eczema prone skin - so again I keep thinking who would want a women who could be infertile and have eczema prone skin.
- I worried that if I meet someone that I will be taken advanced of because I don't understand certain things.
- I'm worried I will never find anyone since I don't go clubbing or to pubs etc 
- I'm worried about money all the time and end up spending my monthly money just to distract my thoughts (I find it very hard to budget)
- I haven't got a job - and I'm unsure what I am good at.

1. You will find lots of men (and a few women) willing to relive you of your virgininty if you are happy to go down the casual sex route. I'm not saying you should, I'm just reminding you it is an option.
2. Then date men who have personalites very difrent from your dad?
3. you really need to talk to your doctor but there are lots of things that might cause you to miss your period and most of them are treatable. There is also IVF. Also there are men who activly prefer the idea of not having kids.
4. Speak to a dermatologist but good skin care and make up can help a lot with this.
5. Naivete is a genuin concern and it's one you pesonally are best placed to adress. The best aproch is to become a women of the world. Start looking at and considering all the sorts of things you usually shy away of because they make you uncomfortable. If there are spicific areas you are unconfident with we could maybe sugest more?
6. after 30 it does get harder to meet people face to face through actvities and 'clubing' however online dating exists and tends to work much better for woman than men if you are prepaired to cope with the huge amount of atention (not all of it comfortable) you will get on the apps. Otherwise maybe try to join a club where you can meet people with commonn interests.
7. Budgeting is hard but the way to do it is to plan ahead and be strict with your self. google offers you a free spreadsheet service. Make a spreadsheet with your monthly income / bills etc and try to figgure out what you can aford to spend each week. What I do is try to have all my bills go out just after payday plus a lump into a saving account. Then I know roughly the amount of money in my account devided by the number of days left to payday is roughly what I have to spend.
8. The first question should be what do you love doing.

Hi ,

I’ve had a look at the Meet-up app and there isn’t anything things close to me unfortunately.

As for the aptitude test I tried one and was just confused with some of the questions  x

Thank you for replying to my post, I wasn’t expecting a message like this but thank you for taking the time to reply.

I might do an aptitude test and see what comes up. I really love animals and tried to go for an apprenticeship at Chester Zoo - but it was too far for me to drive that won’t cause me to have a panic attack. I’m also a qualified level 3 childcare practitioner too but I haven’t done anything with children lately. Currently I am volunteering twice a week at a charity shop just to keep me busy.

I’ll check out Meet Up and see if it’s something that works for me. If not, I’m not sure what else there is to meet friends and potential love interests.

I’m currently looking for jobs but nothing has interested me or I don’t have the experience or qualifications to apply.

What I mean by I’m worried someone would take advantage of me is because I’m autistic and I don’t understand things, I feel like people could twist things to make it sound okay to me but it’s actually a bad thing. I was always treated badly in school and always was blamed for any kind of rumour when it wasn’t me.

I know I should rush into a relationship, I guess I just worry they might lose interest or something. And I get very shy around men  x

- I haven't got a job - and I'm unsure what I am good at.

I was a teacher in the United States and at American schools abroad  for 32 years. During my last 15 years as a teacher, I taught vocational educaton and was a Culinary Arts instructor. There are all sorts of job counseling progams that are online. If you do an internet search for "free career aptitude test," you should get a list of the types of jobs that you might best be suited for. 

If you were to apply for a job, please do not write "anything" as a response to  the question, 'What position are you applying for?' It is not theresponsibility of management or human resources to determine where your aptitute lies. 

After you have an idea of what you might want to do, find a job website like Indeed.com to look for a job. 

- I'm worried I will never find anyone since I don't go clubbing or to pubs etc 

There are lots of ways to meet people. Most of my friends are people with whom I have shared a common interest. Some were met through volunteer groups. Others were met through Church,

In addition to dating websites ae social sites like meetup.com. Meetup is a social website that allows people to form special interest groups. It's free to log-in. You start by inputting your location and local groups in your area will pop up. In my area there is a daytripper group (for people who want compionship during a day trip), a dinner and a movie group, yoga, baking, arts and crafts etc.

- I'm worried about money all the time and end up spending my monthly money just to distract my thoughts (I find it very hard to budget)

Find a job and put yourself on a budget. 

- I worried that if I meet someone that I will be taken advantage of because I don't understand certain things.

There are paid sites that will run criminal background checks on people. These sites are useful in confirming employment status, relationship status, education background, names of relatives, and the person's current and past residential addresses.

- I'm scared that if I do end up with someone that they could end up like my dad

Don't rush into a relationship. Take your time to get to know this person prior to making any emotional committment. 

Hi , 

To be honest this post was before the other post  as the website had took it off for abuse and I had to appeal . So when you said that I’m still young, that was after I posted this

That’s what I’m worried about when it comes to kids…I want to be a mum and I know there are other ways to be a mum but I would like to experience that moment with someone special x

Hi Amy,

I was one of the "you're still young people". I apologize. At the time there were few users and I saw your post and felt that I had to just something so you could see that your post was seen and it didn't get lost with no replies.

I do have a partner who I met when I was older than you are now. We can't have kids and it is something that upsets me almost every day.

It's fine to repeat yourself here. There will always be someone who hasn't seen a previous post. Especially with old users getting access again, or making new accounts.

I would write down steps but I’m so indecisive and will have no idea where to start  

It does feel a little like you know how I’m feeling, but I just don’t see how I’m going to get out of this feeling  x

I think for me I’m just finding the world scary now that next week I will be 30. I keep telling myself to look in the present and not the past or future, but my mind can’t help it.

I guess it’s because I just feel that someone my age should have a job, a partner, a house, be engaged, have kids etc because I see other people my age who has all that. It might also because I envy my brother too since he has a job, a house, a fiancé etc 

I just find it really hard to see anything exciting that is going to happen for me. I’m trying my hardest when it comes to looking for jobs, doing online courses, learning what I can in volunteering. But always in the back of my mind I have that doubt and that worry that I won’t get to experience the things that everyone else has experienced.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow (Wednesday) for my lady problems and hope there is nothing serious to worry about. 

But I guess with my mind I just don’t know how to think in the present  x