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Relationship breakdown - meltdown/shutdown

NAS96639

Hi, 

I am posting on here as not sure how to best handle the situation I’m currently in. I’m a non-ASD person and I was in a relationship with a man who has Autism. He’s a wonderful person and we really connected, until about a month ago he had a “meltdown” due to feeling overwhelmed by sensory overload.

he became very distant and I don’t think I quite had a good enough understanding of how tough it was for him, and also for me to understand. Communicating was difficult and he ended the relationship a few weeks ago saying he felt too overwhelmed from all his feelings and he can’t process them and just isn’t capable of being the partner he was in this moment. 

Since we broke up he has contacted me to insist that he wants to work things out. He has always maintained his feelings for me haven’t changed, but that he feels in a state of shutdown and that he can’t access/handle expressing them right now until he gets back in control of himself. 

he has asked me to give him a bit of time to get himself back together. We are spending time together platonically for now and all the advice around me is that I’m being foolish to do that. But it is very clear to me he cares a lot and there is no reason for him to insist he still loves me and wants to mend things when this phase passes if that isn’t the case. 

I guess I’m looking for some advice/support as it is difficult for me (not experiencing things like this myself) to understand how someone can want to repair things but also feel they are unable to express/handle romantic feelings right now. It’s tough. 

i dont want to push him as i can visibly see he is going through a lot. Guess just looking for any advise on how to best navigate things and be there for him as I would like to think we can get back together and work through things better when the situation of him feeling overwhelmed comes up again?

thanks 

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  • Hiya :-) I'm an ASD man with (we reckon) a mostly non ASD wife of 30 years.  Can I put my angle on this?  Ummm... this might get messy, sorry! Firstly if the bit about his not being in control of himself puts you, him or any other at any risk of physical/mental harm that's not currently dealt with safely then please do not put off acting about it appropriately.  That's  the scary health and safety bit mostly covered! Otherwise... Well, you know when you say you "were" in a relationship with him?   As both a bloke and having ASD i'd say that you still are - maybe not romantically tho. As you highlight having having feelings in respect of emotional attraction for another person are  hard when in a burn out.  From my experience of them I have minimal capacity to care - just too much despair - including for myself.   I reckon it's probably likely that for most people someone in burnout isn't that emotionally attractive either   - apart from the natural human thing of wanting to help (+ sympathy, pity maybe... ) but that wears thin after a while.. Since he's said he wants to be back together and these burnout things tend to run their course (that is with the right environment, resources and support)  I suppose the question I'd ask is how much do you want to be in a relationship with him now?  You've not specifically said you do in your post - not the same as "would like to think".  Relationships with autistic people can be a bit "marmite" from what I can gather -depends on your taste.  Reckon you like marmite but you've just got a bucketful at present.   So definitely not judging!  :-)  The various resources suggested by other people are great to help understand what's going on retrospectively and the answers are often pretty simple but not easy to believe or enact when it's all heavy going. I would suggest that since he broke up with you (that hurts :-(  )  if you say/show him that you genuinely still think of him as your man that might help - If on balance you genuinely do.  I can't say that the future will be any easier than the rocky road already traveled though.   Now you know how tough it is/was for him maybe you could cut him a bit of slack in future.   (Us ASD people stick together,, :-)  )    Reckon 'cos getting a decent relationship is hard and change is tricky he'll want to carry on in contact whatever - he contacted you not the other way round...  At some point though realising that people don't say they want to end relationships with people they love, no matter how much pain they are in.  This  might be critical for a sustained relationship.  As for the bit about his suggesting "working" on the relationship - well... reckon the answer is about love too - not work.   Reckon, as he comes out of it, the search for his understanding of what the hecks happening (if he shares it) could be a bit of a grind however the relationship is.  It's serious stuff but if it can be made light that's good.   Suggest you both be genuinely nice and easy going and if not possible then give one another space.  If the attraction is there maybe the romance will return and you'll start weaving closer together again.  My best wishes to you both.  

Reply

  • Hiya :-) I'm an ASD man with (we reckon) a mostly non ASD wife of 30 years.  Can I put my angle on this?  Ummm... this might get messy, sorry! Firstly if the bit about his not being in control of himself puts you, him or any other at any risk of physical/mental harm that's not currently dealt with safely then please do not put off acting about it appropriately.  That's  the scary health and safety bit mostly covered! Otherwise... Well, you know when you say you "were" in a relationship with him?   As both a bloke and having ASD i'd say that you still are - maybe not romantically tho. As you highlight having having feelings in respect of emotional attraction for another person are  hard when in a burn out.  From my experience of them I have minimal capacity to care - just too much despair - including for myself.   I reckon it's probably likely that for most people someone in burnout isn't that emotionally attractive either   - apart from the natural human thing of wanting to help (+ sympathy, pity maybe... ) but that wears thin after a while.. Since he's said he wants to be back together and these burnout things tend to run their course (that is with the right environment, resources and support)  I suppose the question I'd ask is how much do you want to be in a relationship with him now?  You've not specifically said you do in your post - not the same as "would like to think".  Relationships with autistic people can be a bit "marmite" from what I can gather -depends on your taste.  Reckon you like marmite but you've just got a bucketful at present.   So definitely not judging!  :-)  The various resources suggested by other people are great to help understand what's going on retrospectively and the answers are often pretty simple but not easy to believe or enact when it's all heavy going. I would suggest that since he broke up with you (that hurts :-(  )  if you say/show him that you genuinely still think of him as your man that might help - If on balance you genuinely do.  I can't say that the future will be any easier than the rocky road already traveled though.   Now you know how tough it is/was for him maybe you could cut him a bit of slack in future.   (Us ASD people stick together,, :-)  )    Reckon 'cos getting a decent relationship is hard and change is tricky he'll want to carry on in contact whatever - he contacted you not the other way round...  At some point though realising that people don't say they want to end relationships with people they love, no matter how much pain they are in.  This  might be critical for a sustained relationship.  As for the bit about his suggesting "working" on the relationship - well... reckon the answer is about love too - not work.   Reckon, as he comes out of it, the search for his understanding of what the hecks happening (if he shares it) could be a bit of a grind however the relationship is.  It's serious stuff but if it can be made light that's good.   Suggest you both be genuinely nice and easy going and if not possible then give one another space.  If the attraction is there maybe the romance will return and you'll start weaving closer together again.  My best wishes to you both.  

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