Relationship breakdown - meltdown/shutdown

Hello. I hope everything is OK. I understand it is difficult.

I am also dealing with same situation. My male friend used to flirt with me until last week. He is not anymore, and our conversations are shorter than they used to be. He is usually busy. 

I can't speak for everyone, but I can only speak from my experience. Sometimes people have many things to deal with. The only thing I can do us to be patient. 

Hope this helps. 

As the Non ASD spouse of 28yrs I am so close to walking away. I don't have any pearls of wisdom but I wanted you know you're not alone. X

Hiya :-) I'm an ASD man with (we reckon) a mostly non ASD wife of 30 years.  Can I put my angle on this?  Ummm... this might get messy, sorry! Firstly if the bit about his not being in control of himself puts you, him or any other at any risk of physical/mental harm that's not currently dealt with safely then please do not put off acting about it appropriately.  That's  the scary health and safety bit mostly covered! Otherwise... Well, you know when you say you "were" in a relationship with him?   As both a bloke and having ASD i'd say that you still are - maybe not romantically tho. As you highlight having having feelings in respect of emotional attraction for another person are  hard when in a burn out.  From my experience of them I have minimal capacity to care - just too much despair - including for myself.   I reckon it's probably likely that for most people someone in burnout isn't that emotionally attractive either   - apart from the natural human thing of wanting to help (+ sympathy, pity maybe... ) but that wears thin after a while.. Since he's said he wants to be back together and these burnout things tend to run their course (that is with the right environment, resources and support)  I suppose the question I'd ask is how much do you want to be in a relationship with him now?  You've not specifically said you do in your post - not the same as "would like to think".  Relationships with autistic people can be a bit "marmite" from what I can gather -depends on your taste.  Reckon you like marmite but you've just got a bucketful at present.   So definitely not judging!  :-)  The various resources suggested by other people are great to help understand what's going on retrospectively and the answers are often pretty simple but not easy to believe or enact when it's all heavy going. I would suggest that since he broke up with you (that hurts :-(  )  if you say/show him that you genuinely still think of him as your man that might help - If on balance you genuinely do.  I can't say that the future will be any easier than the rocky road already traveled though.   Now you know how tough it is/was for him maybe you could cut him a bit of slack in future.   (Us ASD people stick together,, :-)  )    Reckon 'cos getting a decent relationship is hard and change is tricky he'll want to carry on in contact whatever - he contacted you not the other way round...  At some point though realising that people don't say they want to end relationships with people they love, no matter how much pain they are in.  This  might be critical for a sustained relationship.  As for the bit about his suggesting "working" on the relationship - well... reckon the answer is about love too - not work.   Reckon, as he comes out of it, the search for his understanding of what the hecks happening (if he shares it) could be a bit of a grind however the relationship is.  It's serious stuff but if it can be made light that's good.   Suggest you both be genuinely nice and easy going and if not possible then give one another space.  If the attraction is there maybe the romance will return and you'll start weaving closer together again.  My best wishes to you both.  

Hello NAS96639,

Reading some of the replies, I thought I'd contribute something for a change. Stewart NAS95103 sounds like he's in the sort of position I aspire to end up with.

I can relate all too closely to your interpretation of your partner, and have yet to succeed in the Relationship Game myself for some of the same reasons. He is probably scared. A lot. And his behaviour, without the knowledge of his autism, could easily be misinterpreted - particularly by well meaning neurotypical 'advice around you'.  If anything like me, he will be trying to work out how to 'get himself back together' and avoid hurting you with another event like this which was completely unintentional. Opening up to a relationship creates vulnerability that can be difficult for someone with ASD to cope with when things get a bit out of control.A typical response is to distance one's self, partly in fear of making things any worse, while 'decompressing'.

I think you are doing very well in trying to gain a better handle on the situation.

Hi and welcome to the community.

I'm sorry that you've both been going through such a difficult time.

You might both find this book helpful. It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the identity of the autistic party. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book were well worth the effort, I feel.

The NAS also has some related advice here:

NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

NAS - Meltdowns - a guide for all audiences

You might also like to consider couples counselling, ideally with a neurodivergent-experienced counsellor.

I wish you both all the best. x 

Hello

This sounds very much like me. I'm a 54 YO male & my wife is neurotypical like you. I too go through melt downs & shut downs. I find it incredibly upsetting for my wife & son to see me like this & i too shut myself away. It makes me feel embarrassed & stupid. I have very strong feelings but i don't know what they are. They could be happy or sad or lonely but i don't have any idea how to express them. I do know that i love my wife & she is incredibly patient with me. I understand that i really want to be with my wife & to be married but i am not very good at expressing that which can be quite hard for both of us. My wife really does love me for who i am & we make sure that we enjoy the good times together.

The shutdowns & meltdowns don't ever seem to go away ( i've had them all my life). I was only diagnosed this year & my wife is working on giving me time & space instead of trying to " fix me" which is what she really wants to do. This does help. I hope that you too can see past the negatives & embrace the positives that you see in each other. 

Hi NAS96399, 

Thank you for posting to our online community and sharing your experience. You may find it helpful to look at our autistic fatigue and burnout resource: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue 

Kind Regards,

Rosie Mod