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Relationship breakdown - meltdown/shutdown

NAS96639

Hi, 

I am posting on here as not sure how to best handle the situation I’m currently in. I’m a non-ASD person and I was in a relationship with a man who has Autism. He’s a wonderful person and we really connected, until about a month ago he had a “meltdown” due to feeling overwhelmed by sensory overload.

he became very distant and I don’t think I quite had a good enough understanding of how tough it was for him, and also for me to understand. Communicating was difficult and he ended the relationship a few weeks ago saying he felt too overwhelmed from all his feelings and he can’t process them and just isn’t capable of being the partner he was in this moment. 

Since we broke up he has contacted me to insist that he wants to work things out. He has always maintained his feelings for me haven’t changed, but that he feels in a state of shutdown and that he can’t access/handle expressing them right now until he gets back in control of himself. 

he has asked me to give him a bit of time to get himself back together. We are spending time together platonically for now and all the advice around me is that I’m being foolish to do that. But it is very clear to me he cares a lot and there is no reason for him to insist he still loves me and wants to mend things when this phase passes if that isn’t the case. 

I guess I’m looking for some advice/support as it is difficult for me (not experiencing things like this myself) to understand how someone can want to repair things but also feel they are unable to express/handle romantic feelings right now. It’s tough. 

i dont want to push him as i can visibly see he is going through a lot. Guess just looking for any advise on how to best navigate things and be there for him as I would like to think we can get back together and work through things better when the situation of him feeling overwhelmed comes up again?

thanks 

Parents

  • Hello NAS96639,

    Reading some of the replies, I thought I'd contribute something for a change. sounds like he's in the sort of position I aspire to end up with.

    I can relate all too closely to your interpretation of your partner, and have yet to succeed in the Relationship Game myself for some of the same reasons. He is probably scared. A lot. And his behaviour, without the knowledge of his autism, could easily be misinterpreted - particularly by well meaning neurotypical 'advice around you'.  If anything like me, he will be trying to work out how to 'get himself back together' and avoid hurting you with another event like this which was completely unintentional. Opening up to a relationship creates vulnerability that can be difficult for someone with ASD to cope with when things get a bit out of control.A typical response is to distance one's self, partly in fear of making things any worse, while 'decompressing'.

    I think you are doing very well in trying to gain a better handle on the situation.

Reply

  • Hello NAS96639,

    Reading some of the replies, I thought I'd contribute something for a change. sounds like he's in the sort of position I aspire to end up with.

    I can relate all too closely to your interpretation of your partner, and have yet to succeed in the Relationship Game myself for some of the same reasons. He is probably scared. A lot. And his behaviour, without the knowledge of his autism, could easily be misinterpreted - particularly by well meaning neurotypical 'advice around you'.  If anything like me, he will be trying to work out how to 'get himself back together' and avoid hurting you with another event like this which was completely unintentional. Opening up to a relationship creates vulnerability that can be difficult for someone with ASD to cope with when things get a bit out of control.A typical response is to distance one's self, partly in fear of making things any worse, while 'decompressing'.

    I think you are doing very well in trying to gain a better handle on the situation.

Children