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Relationship breakdown - meltdown/shutdown

NAS96639

Hi, 

I am posting on here as not sure how to best handle the situation I’m currently in. I’m a non-ASD person and I was in a relationship with a man who has Autism. He’s a wonderful person and we really connected, until about a month ago he had a “meltdown” due to feeling overwhelmed by sensory overload.

he became very distant and I don’t think I quite had a good enough understanding of how tough it was for him, and also for me to understand. Communicating was difficult and he ended the relationship a few weeks ago saying he felt too overwhelmed from all his feelings and he can’t process them and just isn’t capable of being the partner he was in this moment. 

Since we broke up he has contacted me to insist that he wants to work things out. He has always maintained his feelings for me haven’t changed, but that he feels in a state of shutdown and that he can’t access/handle expressing them right now until he gets back in control of himself. 

he has asked me to give him a bit of time to get himself back together. We are spending time together platonically for now and all the advice around me is that I’m being foolish to do that. But it is very clear to me he cares a lot and there is no reason for him to insist he still loves me and wants to mend things when this phase passes if that isn’t the case. 

I guess I’m looking for some advice/support as it is difficult for me (not experiencing things like this myself) to understand how someone can want to repair things but also feel they are unable to express/handle romantic feelings right now. It’s tough. 

i dont want to push him as i can visibly see he is going through a lot. Guess just looking for any advise on how to best navigate things and be there for him as I would like to think we can get back together and work through things better when the situation of him feeling overwhelmed comes up again?

thanks 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry that you've both been going through such a difficult time.

    You might both find this book helpful. It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    (It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the identity of the autistic party. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book were well worth the effort, I feel.

    The NAS also has some related advice here:

    NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

    NAS - Meltdowns - a guide for all audiences

    You might also like to consider couples counselling, ideally with a neurodivergent-experienced counsellor.

    I wish you both all the best. x 

Reply

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry that you've both been going through such a difficult time.

    You might both find this book helpful. It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    (It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the identity of the autistic party. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book were well worth the effort, I feel.

    The NAS also has some related advice here:

    NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

    NAS - Meltdowns - a guide for all audiences

    You might also like to consider couples counselling, ideally with a neurodivergent-experienced counsellor.

    I wish you both all the best. x 

Children
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