Published on 12, July, 2020
In my case I’m the autistic parent and my daughter… hmm probably neurotypical child. It’s too early to say, but there are things that make me worried. - tantrums - whenever I refuse something (second piece of chocolate for example) or I ask her to do something she doesn’t want or like, there is a tantrum. I always try creative ways to encourage her to do the thing that she has to do. For example brushing teeth. I try first by brushing them myself and I give her the brush and ask her to do it like me. But it’s not working. Then I try it with a doll - pretend that I brush the dolls teeth or that the doll is watching her doing it. I also try punishment/prise method - if you don’t wash your teeth, we will not go to playground for whole week. I also try reasoning with her- if you don’t brush your teeth then they will get dark and ugly and the dentist will drill in them and it’s painful. Nothing works. She is almost 3, she has soft toothbrush special for children and I’m wondering is it possible that she is so sensitive even to this toothbrush that it prevents her from brushing teeth? When she is in rage, she punches me, or herself, she bites and scratches me. Otherwise she is an intelligent and lovely child. Developing properly, milestones such as talking, walking, potty training- all done correctly. I had some delays there as a toddler. - second thing that worries me is her sensitivity to sound. We are living in a 5 story building, on the second floor. If someone slams the main entrance door, she gets scared and runs to me for hugs. Is it maybe because she doesn’t know what is this sound. On the other hand it does not bother her at all, when she slams the door herself. My husband says that her reaction may be somehow subconsciously repeated my reaction to noise. Her screams for example. I explained him how I struggle with the noise she creates and he understands it. I’m not sure, if anyone can help me a bit, suggest some solution, if someone is in similar situation. What should I do? Tomorrow my husband is going to speak to her paediatrician about this issue. Especially the tantrums and issues with brushing teeth. Any thoughts or advice will be appreciated. Sorry, it’s a long post.
I am not qualified to offer advice. But you and your husband sound like lovely caring people - and this will pay off in the long run.
I've known five children well (nieces and nephews). They all are bought up really well and they all have their different difficulties which are a mystery (for example one still needing Pull-Ups at night despite being several years into school)
If the reaction to the door banging is learned rather than real, then I am sure she'll grow out of that when she realises that she isn't actually really in any distress.
You may need to seek advice about the biting/hitting - I have read that it is normal, but should be dealt with.
https://www.childrensmercy.org/parent-ish/2020/01/hitting-and-biting-what-parents-need-to-know/
If anything this article will show that you are not alone and you both are still a great mother and father.
Thank you for your answer! I will try with the roten teeth. She is doing good otherwise, I’m afraid that I don’t endure it mentally. But maybe she will grow out of it. I hope she is neurotypical, because they have things easier than us. But whatever even if it turns out she is ND, I will always love her and support her. When I was pregnant, I still had no idea about neurodiversity, ASD etc, I told my husband I hope she will not have the weird personality disorder that I have. He was amazed he said that I’m absolutely normal. It was enough for him to see me pacing the kitchen in the evening to ask “what’s wrong with you”. I just started unmasking when we got our daughter because it was all too much. I hope she will not be bullied and excluded and loner like me, but it looks like she won’t. She already found friends in the kindergarten and she is popular. So this doesn’t look like autistic experience. I also noticed how she copies gestures and mimic from others, I was absolutely unable to do it as a child.
Fwiw, I would perhaps consider treating her as MORE clever, cognisant and able than the average 3 year old....and see where that takes you both?
What I mean is, rather than trying to "coax" her into appropriate action (brushing teeth for instance), show her some (non-gruesome) pictures of people's mouths who DON'T brush their teeth? Then tell her that the choice is hers.....does she want a healthy mouth, or a rotten one.
I think "we" people are good at spotting strategies designed to make us do things.....and we DON'T like it (as a rule.) We prefer to KNOW stuff that is important, rather than be "signposted" or cajoled into action? 3 year olds like to make their own mind up on things.
I do note that you are currently minded to think she is NT, but perhaps imagine that she is as wonderful and different as you? Worth a try?
Just to be crystal clear, you can make it obvious that.....although it is her choice, you also have a choice (as her mum) to bug-the-hell-out-of-her too, to encourage her to do the right thing.
I hope these words are useful to you.
With respect
Number.