Published on 12, July, 2020
I have been with my partner for approximately 18 months. I did not know he was on the autistic spectrum when I met him but we moved in together and it became very evident. He is very intelligent but struggles with emotions and does not realise how rude and harsh he can be when talking to me or any of his friends. He has no self-awareness of how scary he can be. He has now developed a thing where he wakes up at 3 am most mornings and starts a conversation with me and I am absolutely shattered and finding it difficult to function properly in the day. I challenged him about it last night and now he ismt speaking to me. I don't know how much more I can cope with and I don't know how to resolve this without making him lose his temper.
I have no where else to go.…..
Communicate clearly and direct to the point. Be direct and blunt - but not cruel.
Self advocate.
Say things like " I can talk with you at 8:00. Now I need to sleep. I am not listening now.
If you get an argument - then you know you cannot live with them: they are not in the relationship with you. cut bait now.
and then ask yourself how you got this far without knowing.
Yeh just read the bit about him being intelligent. Yeh autistic people are intellectually quite intelligent yet emotionally not so much. If he is being rude it could mean that he is doing it unintentionally. I mean you wouldn’t say to someone who’s blind stop staring at me! Or ‘look you bloody idiot you just walked into a wall!’ So why is it not the same for this guy who can’t read emotional situations I guess. View it like he is emotionally/socially blind I guess. That should make it easier.
Why is he waking you up at 3AM? Is that so bad anyway? Do you not like being woken up to see your partner at 3am? I know I wouldn’t mind being woken up at 3am by my partner if I’d had one that is. But of course if he is waking you up and you don’t like the sight of him then that is understandable. I mean if I was sleeping with someone that I don’t love and they kept waking me up at 3am then you that would be weird. Sorry if I’m not understanding what it is you’re saying. I just don’t see what the problem is. I tend to agree with others that have posted here with what they are thinking. Are you afraid of his temper or something? Is he like angry at you at 3am? Sorry I am missing what is so bad about the whole being woke up at 3am thing. Maybe if it’s meaning your missing work the next day. But then your partner is a commitment like work and it’s up to you whether you choose your partner or work I guess.
I agree with Pixie, acting like you're the centre of the universe and a partner only exists to fufill your needs is a very male thing, IF he's autistic then that could make less able to realise the effects of his behaviour on others, but it dosen't excuse it.
What do you fear will happen if he loses his temper? If you're physically afraid then wait until he's out and leave, if you're in the UK then contact Womens Aid, or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, others will be better able to advise you on services in other countries.
Sorry if I seem critical, but how do you know he is autistic? I have known quite a few men at places I have worked, who did not show emotions much, were rude and harsh and seemed not very self aware, but that doesn't make them autistic.
However, whether he's on the spectrum or not, the answer is still the same - if he will not listen to you and try to change then it's better for you to end the relationship, for your own health.
Being autistic does not give him a free pass to make you feel like that. Assuming you’ve raised how it’s made you feel in a calm way/at a calm time and he’s not been willing to change at all, that’s not him being autistic it’s him being an a**hole.
Are there any shelters in your area? Friends you could stay with?
Hi and welcome to the community.
I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles.
I strongly recommend reading this book, which addresses all manner of issues concerning neurotypical + neurodivergent relationships. Regardless of whether or not your partner is willing to join you in completing the various exercises, I suspect that you might the contents helpful:
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner