Published on 12, July, 2020
It is something I've always struggled with throughout my life. The shame, the embarrassment, the fear of someone screaming at me as to go "do it yourself" even though it's extremely rare that's happened.
It's stinging at the moment because I'm looking for a job but I've exhausted all avenues (applying, emailing companies, reaching out to professional contacts) apart from asking my parents if they can help. It's not so much of a pride thing as a "me not being sure if they'll take me seriously" thing, even though I have an idea of what I'd like to do.
Even asking friends for support can be difficult because I don't know how they'll respond, and I'm not always best at preparing for the possibility that they will respond badly. Or even if they don't.
I find it hard to ask for help because I'm used to none being available. I've been told more than once that I need to ask for help rather than struggle, I've called loads of friends when I've needed some emotional help and they've all been out, I've been to pain clinics and been told there's nothing they can do for me, but I could teach them things. Apparently I'm too resourceful! I find it deeply ironic that the things I learned from reading womens magazines years ago are the same things being taught at pain clinics. I was disgusted to find that a physiotherapist didn't know what core strength was and why it's important.
I was often punished at school and at home for not being academically able, life seemed like a constant round of crime and punishment, most of the time I didn't understand why I was being punished and being told that I knew what I'd done wrong just made me more confused. Then it came as a huge shock to my parents and teachers when as a young teenager I decided that I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and started ignoring all of them.
I think one of the reasons I got all my benefits after an atos type interview was that I had a total rant at the woman conducting it about how I've spent years trying to stay out of a wheel chair with next to no help from doctors or anyone and now I feel punished all over again because I have no long term records of recieving help and that things like learning difficulties and ASC weren't even recognised when I was at school.
I get a bit fed up of feeling like I'm kicking doors in for the people coming up behind me, for me theres no one behind those doors except maybe someone telling me that if I want something I will have to set it up myself to which my response is 'thanks a lot guys, now earn you effing keep and do your job'.