Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I’m not sure this is the right place for this, so please move if needed. This is becoming something I’m ruminating on lots so just want to get it out of my head.
I’m 36 and got diagnosed as autistic earlier in the year. One of the recommendations in the report was that I get assessed for ADHD. I’m on the waiting list now. I’ve always had quite bad social anxiety, but my current medication has helped loads with that.
In a moment of madness I decided to try dating again (online because no idea how to actually meet people otherwise). I’m starting to realise that putting my low self confidence to one side, a lot of my social anxiety came from my complete social awkwardness. I don’t know how I fit in relation to people. I can’t read the situation. I miss hints, flirting goes over my head and I definitely can’t flirt back. I worry about being too intense. I try to be myself and try to communicate openly, but I worry I sound “too autistic”. I know things are worse over messages, but I’ve always struggled with meeting new people and dating has always been a train wreck for me, but now I’m beginning to understand why. I just don’t know what to do with that new understanding.
I like to think I’m fairly intelligent. I have two degrees and a good career. But dating leaves me feeling lost and confused. I don’t know how to do myself and not put people off to start with.
One thing this whole trying to date has shown me is some of my autistic traits that maybe I wasn’t quite aware of. That’s also raised other feelings I don’t really know what to do with.
Any advice for dating with neurodivergence?
Limerence…now this is a term I’ve just come across when trying to understand some of the intensity I feel. I don’t know if having a word for it makes me feel less or more crazy.
I want to ask for clarity when I dont understand or I’m not sure what is being implied. I want to ask for feedback and advice from people when I can tell it isn’t going well. I want people to be direct and open and honest. I want to apologise for the way I might sometimes come across. I want to do all that and explain that I think it’s probably because I’m autistic. I come so close sometimes but stop because I think I’ll just come across as crazy. But maybe I am crazy.
And I just go round in these circles all the time. And I don’t think my friends and family will get it. They either think that I’m fine socially or that autism is just an unhelpful label. Or they will just tell me that I don’t need a relationship or that I should be focusing on other things.
But the thing is, I want a relationship. I don’t want to be alone.
But I’m also terrified that I’ll make the same mistakes I did in my last (only) relationship. I terrified that my intense, obsessive like feelings will cloud my judgement. I’m terrified that my fear of remaining alone with push me to settle. But I’m also terrified that that will all cause me to end up rejecting a good thing.
Oh god, I feel like I’m really spiralling with this
I took so many years of mistakes finding the right person it was lead with bad chiuces but nkw i found someone who gets me and has even helpes me understand why i mabie didnt fit in at school
Dont rush
The right person almost knows you as well ot betther than yoh do but also wont try put you in bad situations
If it helps talk online before talking on the phone and agter that meet up thats how i did it
Not only did i find a relationship i found a whole new family and a new home town where i feel i fit in more