undiagnosed male early 40s. Could I be autistic?

Hi everyone! I have read through some of the forum, what a great forum for people to discuss what can be a challenging topic. I hope you won't mind reading through this post which I think may be quite long... As I like to give context to everything. My mind is awash with a lot of thoughts at the moment and I'd love your opinions and thoughts. I will also include a little graphic content which I hope is ok as we are all adults and it's quite relative to me being me.... 

So a year ago I would never have considered myself autistic! I am generally calm, happy enough, have a decent job, did well at school etc. Although I definitely have some "Quirks" as I like to call them. I have always considered that everyone has quirks though and that's just humans (I always assume everyone is probably like me and probably think like me). A few months ago I had a bit of an "episode". Our neighbours had moved out the previous summer all of a sudden, I was THRILLED when they did, why? Because they took their wind chimes with them. They were nice enough, I quite liked them, but the wind chimes drove me crazy. We have large gardens and it was some distance from the house, but I heard them everywhere even at the front of my house. The chimes did not bother anyone else, they could hardly hear or notice them. To me it was overwhelming, they demanded my attention and interrupted my thoughts constantly. Like someone following you round prodding you relentlessly 24/7. The fact it bothered noone else made it more difficult I think because it made me feel selfish, making something out of nothing, and why shouldn't my neighbours enjoy their garden how they wish to. It affected my mood so much and put a real downer on me. It was like low level torture to me and nobody understood. Anyway they moved out to another property they owned and rented next door. The new renters were lovely, but more to the point, I hardly noticed they were ever there. They were so quite, they travelled to work a lot and didn't have a car. It was bliss.

One day we chatted at the front and she informed me that the owners were kicking them out to move back in. My heart sunk and I instantly felt sick. I tried not to show it while saying how sorry I was they were being messed about. I went out for the day with my family as planned, but all I could think about were the wind chimes coming back. My mood was low for days and weeks (Not like me) It's all I thought about in bed at night and when I woke up. The constant feeling sick and heart sinking was making me feel a little ill. I had to seek therapy. And by the way even as I write this, I think god this is crazy it's only some windchimes but I cannot help how I feel. I had therapy and some coping strategies etc. Just sharing my thoughts to a stranger actually lightened the load somewhat.

Speaking with my wife about it helped in some ways, but in another made it harder, as I felt that I sounded a little "mental", and I've also been a provider and protector, yet here I am falling apart over some garden ornament. (Yes my therapist was always pulling me up for being hard on myself) We moved into a lovely house that we were desperate to puprchase with a driveway etc about a year before, and she said to me like, this isn't so bad you will want to move house again is it? And I looked at her as if to say well maybe? And she was in disbelief, and I felt terrible considering moving from our lovely home because of them. And of course, moving is no gurantee of no wind chimes/noisy neighbours etc. So I knew therapy was potentially the right thing as maybe I need to work on controlling me and my feelings rather than trying to control everything around me. 

I spoke with talking therapies. They were great, questioned me and listened for an hour about everything. I enquired with them as I believed I had undaignosed OCD. AT the end the lady said, can I be blunt? I said "Yes, please do!", she said "based on what you've told me, and it would need looking into further, but have you considered that you may have autism?" I was taken by complete surprise. No I hadn't considered that. I cried (I never cry) and I went to research autism. My hair stood on end, something just clicked, I felt connected to what I was reading, I thought that's me. I assumed I was too normal? Too clever? too able? (Please forgvie that rhetoric you know where I'm coming from?) I have worked with autistic children, but children who are severaly disabled and require support with everyday tasks. I never thought I could possible be at the other end of the spectrum maybe?

The neighbours moved in, I struggled with the constant back and forth of vans and people. They have different cars coming and going on their drive and the road out front (Which is totally fine and nothing illegal) but all of that bothered me (and still does a bit) but I don't know why. I resent it slightly while knowing they are doing nothing wrong, and in fact I quite like him.

More about me

I had therapy about 7 years ago for sex addiction. I was unfaithful to my partner on numerous occasions before we married, I had pushed her right to the edge. I loved her dearly (Funny way to show it right?) and was desperate to make it work and be a better partner. I went to therapy which cost me a fortune (My wife knew I was serious as I'm quite tight!) Anyway, the therapy was actually brilliant. I was very cynical to start with, but I look back at my thought process now and realise I was so selfish and a terrible partner in some ways. Since then we have married and I have been a pretty excellent husband. I adore my wife and we get on really well. I still struggle with porn use, I'm highly sexual but working on it, I don't flirt with other women and totally commited to my wife, but definitely use porn as an outlet to manage myself.

As a child I was quiet and intelligent. I was top of my class in primary school. My dad was an alcoholic and I witnessed domestic violence a few times. He could be terrible, and also brilliant. I have some very fond memories of camping, snowball fights and him cooking me meals, but also him being destructive and abusive to my mum. He was very introverted and lost jobs consantly because of his boiling temper. He was always out of work and drinking. I have definitely made peace with all of that, I've never been out of work, never laid a finger on my wife and never would etc. Lookiing back now I wonder if my Dad was neurodivergant? He was of the age where they were sent to borstal (Like youth prison) and were just plain "Naughty".

We moved out of London to kent. I started a new school year 6, I was painfully shy, off sick frequently, but still passed my 11 plus for grammar school. In the lead up to secondary school, I would cry my eyes out, scared of leaving my primary school which I only recently joined. So much so, and I've never told anyone, That I would I would stand on the roof of the house, looking over the edge and thinking if I leapt off I wouldn't have to go through all that changing school etc. It would only take a few seconds. It horrifies me that I thought that. I enjoyed learning in school but for some reason in year 7 or 8 I gained a phobia of school (I was never bullied or anything and I was doing well) I ended up in a pupil referall unit for months, transitioning back to school a lesson at a time here and there. I think after a year I was back at school full time. I still don't know what caused all of that. But I know a recurring theme in my life is that I struggle with a change in routine/transition. My sex additcion therapist one day said to me "yeah, beause your'e a control freak" This blew my mind! "I'm not a control freak?!" That was like a lightbulb, he was only telling me what was blindingly obvious to him, yet I could not see it. And yes, I am a bit of a control freak, I like to manage as much of my environement as possible, and I have always done it without realising, which also is exhausting and I don't realise.

I did well in my exams getting in the top 20% of my year at grammar school. I didn't go to uni for some reason, noone in my family ever went. I regret that but anyway. I ended up working in working in care and became a manager etc.

As well as the sex addiction, I can only seem to be all or nothing with things. I used to go to the gym and loved it. I got into good shape but of course, it's all I ever did. If I wasn't at the gym I was reading up on it, researching it, watching videos on technique, counting calories, prepping food etc. I had to quite the gym because of recurring carpel tunnel symptoms. Really painful and debilitating. I have since become completely addicted to DIY, renovating, decorating etc. Funny I know. Over the years I have become an expert on most things DIY, fully renovated and sold our house, started a handyman/decorating company. Bought buy to lets which I manage etc I control and manage all of it. I always have a huge list of jobs to do. I'm unable to go anywhere and just relax, If i'm honest I prefer being at full capacity, even though it can be a little stressful. I also love reading books on finance, economics, property, stock market, investing and non-fiction.

What quirks do I have other than addictions and struggling with transtions:

Sound/noises I pick up noises before anyone else - helicoptors, the fridge, hate the microwave, squeeking doors etc. We live near a busy road which drives me a little mad. I always have headphones on when working with power tools, can't stand the loud noise! I have to take earbuds when travelling as I don't like the hotel sounds at night and people walking past the door etc.

When I travel I get stomach cramps and a bit of constipation. I panic about the toilet situation. I'm quite particular about going to the toilet before bed at night (Bowel movement) If I don't manage to it bothers me and I hope to the next morning. If I don't (really unusal) That will bother me for the whole day! (I have never discussed this with anyone as it sounds weird but it's important to my circadian rhythm! Can any of you relate??) When I see crowds at Glastonbury I say but how do they go to the toilet? I always like to know where a toilet is! I don't even usually need to go, It just comforts me to know they are there.

As I've got older I've got worse with flying, I can't stand turbulence. We recently went to new york, which I like as we've been before so I know what to expect, and I love the grid system which makes navigating easier (I'm not good with maps and directions) However I get very anxious about flying - getting up, making the car park, making the flight time etc. I woke up that morning with such dread washig over me, I thought, I can't do this, we might have to just not go (The whole holiday for 5 of us was £6000 which we paid between us so not just up to me) Luckily I put my big boy pants on and just worked through it. But these dread pangs are quite powerful and scary. We flew in may and I had similar pangs then. It's like a constant battle with myself, If I listen to them I'll nover go anywhere or do anything. And in the end we usually have a great time! Still difficult the next time.

I have a bit of a phobia of our lovely garden since the whoel windchime thing

As well as sensitivity to sounds, my sense of smell is very good. I got out of the shower last week, the smell of banana swept through the house. I called downstairs to my wife who said yes she's just eaten a banana lol. She often says I'm like a sniffing dog. My eyes are very sensitive to light. I cannot leave the house without sunglasses on, even on cloudy ish days it is too bright for me. I prbably look a bit strange but otherwise i'm constantly squinting and covering my eyes.

I have always picked at cuts. scratches, scabs. I annoy myself and when I tan you can see all of the scars over the years where I have picked. I thought this was a childish habit but having looked it up it seems like "Scorioses", like trying to smooth the skin as the lump really bothers me. I find that I can be sat watching TV and I am doing it without realising. I had a spot on the back of my head - It bacame an obsession that I have picked and picked at that for years now. I have utterly failed to contain myself and it's caused a little lump that isn't very noticable. But I still sometimes go and go at it until I can pick a little of. It's permanently sore. I try to put cream on it instead of picking at it.

I'm confident I have BFRB I fidget terribly, I shake my legs when watching TV. It would probably really annoy me if someone else did it next to me! As well as shaking my legs all the time, I chew on the inside of my gums, I pick at anything on my skin, I twist my leg hair when driving, I tap the cushions or me knee to any music. I can't stand still in a queue I have to tap stuff in my hand, shake my leg, swing anything in my hand. All kind of subtly but I really don't enjoy queueing. 

As part of my job we have monthly group meetings. My mind goes absolutely blank when everyone turns to me asking how the month has been. I don't enjoy being the centre of it. Especially when talk is so open ended. And listening to them bores me if i'm honest. I really struggle with names, especially if someone is talking about family/friends they know, forget it I just turn off I know I won't remember their names or how they are linked. If we were talking about finance/property or something I was interested in I would want to be right amongst it, putting my thoughts in, interested in what others had to say, and I wouldn't miss a beat.

My good friend introduced me to his best mate and asked if we met, I said "no I don't belive so", his mate turned round and said "I was at your f***ing stag do you doughnut" in jest. That was so embarrasing, but a running theme of me meeting new people. His name is Shaun. Why is that relevent? Becuase I kept calling him Steve at first. Even more embarrasing. And of course, ever since then, I literally have to double check in my mind each time I see him or talk about him if it's Steve/Shaun and often get it wrong. This causes me to panic a little when I meet people because I am so terrible with names even though I try hard to link a memory to their name. The funny thing is, I can reel of loads of stuff from my long term memory.

I do not like people in my personal space / Close to my face.Unless you're my wife, move! 

I do not like people not following the rules. I hate being tailgated when I'm doing 30.

I like routines. I woudn't lose it if stuff changes, but I'd rather it didn't :) 

My wife has accused me of being blunt with people, she said I can be quite cold (Not to her but to others) and verging on being rude.

I find comfort in rewatching favoured films. "Molly's game" I've watched about 10 times. My wife never wants to watch anything we've watched before so I don't get to unless she goes out for the evening. there have been films in the past I've watched multiple times such as "21", "training day", "snatch" me and my family also Enjoy Harry Potter every year haha.

I'm going to stop now, most of you have probably switched off I'm so sorry for the long post I just want to get most things in. Please feel free to post your thoughts / opinions either way I'd love to hear from you guys. Could I be autistic? Could it be something else? Either way I have long felt a little different to others. I have never felt fully satisfied/content and I'm unsure why. I feel socially unfulfilled but also I'm very fussy about who I socialise with/where it's a vicous circle!

Thanks for reading and for the opportunity to shar on this Forum

"Stamford"