Denial!!!

De nile is a very dirty river...

Hi George

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling worse after your diagnosis. If it's of any comfort, it's actually common for us to experience emotional dysregulation in the aftermath of a diagnosis, including due to backward-looking anger, frustration, and grief - as well as confusion and uncertainty about "what now?"

If you haven't yet seen it, the NAS offers lots of great advice in the recently revamped diagnosis hub, which you might help helpful. One of the sections is all about the period following diagnosis:

After diagnosis

That section includes:

How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis and

Formal support following an autism diagnosis

Hi, George. I'm glad you are here!

I was diagnosed with autism about a month ago. My son was diagnosed with autism when he was a child, and he exhibited many externally physical signs, so it was easy to see. Mine and his brothers, not so much. 

I am 40, and have spent much of my life masking and trying to fit in. I did not want to be like this myself, but I would like to share with you my experience. 

The truth of the matter is, I am autistic. I'm not a person with autism, I'm not an autistic person. I am an autistic. It has taken me this month since my diagnosis to really wrap my head around that concept, and I've had the help of several audio and text books. I am still learning what this means for me.

This distinction is important for several reasons, one of them being: if I did not have autism, I would not be who I am. Autism describes how I think, how I tick, what makes me different. In that sense, it is what defines me as human since we are all different. 

I want to challenge you. 

George said:

i think thats because i cant adapt to it

To this, I challenge that you have been autistic your whole life and you have adapted. You have adapted to a world that is not designed for you. You have adapted to being "normal" instead of yourself. Whatever level this has looked like in your life, one common theme I see in autistic individuals is their adaptability. It's heroic level, honestly. 

With this, understand that your feelings are not invalidated. The struggle is real and the road to and after diagnosis is not easy. Some people like you have a very difficult time, and that's ok. The funny thing about being you is you don't have to accept yourself to be yourself, because you are yourself just because you are you. That's a fun twister. 

I hope my words are not coming off as insincere. I joke to lighten moods, especially in serious conversations.

I want you to know that:

1. You are accepted for who you are here. 
2. You don't have to be someone, just you. 
3. Fighting yourself is painful, at the deepest level. 
4. Fighting yourself is not going to change you. 

If I could do just one thing it would be give you a virtual hug and tell you it's ok. You are Loved.

I also want to add that there are some good resources out there for autistic individuals and families. Many bad ones too, but some good. 

"Knowing Why" from ASAN and "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price are my 2 favorites so far.