Relief of being with my best friend

Hi Coogy. I thought what you wrote was great. 

Last year I finally twigged that I'm most likely an aspie and suddenly I saw the mask for what it was and it completely shattered. I just felt I had been lying all my life. In fact there were a few weeks when I almost didn't recognise myself. It's taken 9 months but I'm starting to build some confidence again.

But that mask had been something that had grown with me since I was five sharing all those experiences and yet it just didn't seem to be me. I'm sure my wife would tell me "of course it's you" but in my heart it doesn't feel like that. Its almost like a stranger who's tagged along all your life sharing the experiences but never really been involved.

Sorry, getting a bit too deep for a Sunday evening. Anyway you've got a lot of courage and tenacity to keep going back into that situation. Other people might not see it but it's not wasted on us.

Dunk

Hi Hope (and the rest of you too)

         "and I often slow down so that there is no-one in my immediate vicinity. And I hate it when I have to overtake someone"

Only one thing worse than overtaking and that is if you think you will need to say hello as I pass. I walk slow, take detours, hide round corners, calculate speeds and distances and when the best moment to overtake would be. At times I slump into my chair when I get to work mentally exhausted just by the walk in. And for what, if I did say hello they would probably think I was being friendly. 

But that's what its like, its just so baffling like your thoughts, actions and feelings never quite turn up at the same time!

For me the judging thing is also very powerful but it also ties in with thinking everyone thinks the same way I do. Basically part of me is severely critical of myself but then I impose that same belief on to what I think other people think of me. Kerboom! spiralling nosedive, but theres still a bit of me that is trying to say that it's a complete load of nonsense. So the brains saying one thing the feelings are doing something else, my commonsence is standing there baffled and the body just feels stunned. Looking back at it it seems comical (but only when looking back).

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Dunk

I think it comes down to a general lack of confidence when being out in society. I also worry about how I look, and there is that conflict between wanting to look pretty and smart and wanting to just be me.

I also get particularly annoyed when someone is walking close to me, and I often slow down so that there is no-one in my immediate vicinity. And I hate it when I have to overtake someone.

Yeah, it is the fear of being judged which irks me too. I often worry that people will think badly of me for not having a proper job, even though they are strangers and I know that really they cannot know my employment situation.

Hope said:

For me, just walking down the street can be a stressful experience, because I am exposed to the gaze of the 'other': from passing cars, people walking by, or in their gardens.

I used to have that really bad, but for different reasons.  I was convinced everyone that drove past me was really staring at me and I hated walking along the pavement for that reason alone.  It was this period that I also had to step on certain parts of the paving stones in a particular way.

The thing about thinking other people know what you are thinking is an autistic thing.  I have often been away in my thoughts and then spoken out loud in continuation which was totally out of context to what the other people were talking about and it brings odd looks and puzzled comments.

Hope said:

I don't have any friends, just aquaintances, and they are all mainly a lot older than me. 

I only really have social contact with four people outside work, and I've just calculated their average age as 55!  I'm not even 30 yet, but I've never really been able to make friends with people my own age.  With the exception of one neighbour who I chat to a bit, they are also all people I either work with or used to work with.  I don't really understand how you make friends with somebody casually.  I only really stand a chance if there is common ground to talk about, e.g. work.

I get to spend a lot of time alone as I live by myself and have no family in the region.  It is nice being able to just eat the same few meals over and over, walk at the speed that I want to, and not have anybody else messing up my kitchen etc.  But I still wish that I could spend more time with somebody I really felt comfortable with.  Excluding one visit from my parents I've only been able to have somebody round for dinner twice in over nine months.  

I do feel like I have to change when I go out to work etc.  I have to just try to shove the anxiety, OCD, need for order etc. to one side and get on with what needs to be done.  And, of course, I have to say "yes" when people ask me if I'm OK regardless of how I actually feel, worry about eye contact, and not talk to myself in public.  It's exhausting to say the least.

I also think that my best friend is myself. I talk to myself when alone, as if another person were present. I don't have any friends, just aquaintances, and they are all mainly a lot older than me. My support-worker is my only real social contact outside of my immediate family.

For me, just walking down the street can be a stressful experience, because I am exposed to the gaze of the 'other': from passing cars, people walking by, or in their gardens. Because I find it hard to separate my own thoughts from other people's, if I am thinking something I automatically assume that they are thinking it too. I know logically that this is not the case, but I can't bring myself to believe this fully. I have always been very self-obsessed, but as a child I quite liked people noticing me - I was 'active but odd' - if  only to get any attention at all; so I would annoy other people, play silly games around them in order to get a reaction. Being incredibly egocentric, I was always at the centre of the universe, my universe, and still am.

The difference is that now I care what other people think of me, whereas I did not care so much as a child. This extreme self-consciousness largely developed from the age of 11 onwards, when I started to develop a social sense.

I am aware of what is required of me, I try to be 'social' and to act 'normal', but it all feels contrived , and it uses a lot of mental effort. Consequently I am so relieved when I get home, shut the door, and can be myself. I also need the whole of Sunday to recharge.

It is almost like, when I am with people, I am hiding a dirty secret because they don't see the real me. I think they would be disgusted if they saw how I am at home; it is like 'nice girl', 'bad girl'.

I have been told that all  people (i.e. 'neurotypicals') experience a discrepancy between how they are at home and in public, but I don't think they can experience it to the extent I do. Moreover, the longer I am with people the more my autistic behaviours emerge.

It's a real conflict.  You don't want to be totally alone as that would be lonely, being cut off for any length of time is unhealthy, but then when you are with people so many challenges and stresses are there.

I feel stress at all the things NTs do that annoy me or upset me, but try not to show it.  But then that can have a counterproductive effect because then your stress levels rise and you can let it out in what seems a disproportionate way to others.  Then the judging starts.

I don't like being totally alone, I want to be with one person who is on my wavelength.  Being around the multitudes that aren't, is exceptionally hard and exhausting.

The mask is based on intellect and cognition and I think also which autistic subtype you are is relevant.  I am largely the passive subtype and was very much so as a child.  So I quietly people-watched and my level of intelligence enabled me to learn (without even realising I was doing it) what the normal way of being socially was.

The trouble is, that this is an invisible disability and you feel the enormous unspoken pressure of others to be like them, and you pressure yourself to fit in with it too.

That's why this is the wrong planet.  My husband said he does understand me, but he doesn't (he's just used to my reactions), because I told him he doesn't understand the why.

Hi Dunk,

I have a similar experience with my work. Putting on an act to those who visit is something i've mastered with great affect. My work brings me into contact with the visiting public and subsequent reviews of my service all say the same thing. Welcoming, friendly, thoughtful and accommodating.

Underneath, I find every encounter such a tremendous effort, not at all the persona I portray on the outside. I often tremor or shake and when extremely stressed, words come out of my mouth in the wrong order. The anxiety that preceeds a visit from the public can be off the scale. A times I feel like a swan! Serene above the waterline and paddling like mad below it, just to stay afloat.

I recently visited a friend in an area which held some very bad memories for me and I crumbled. After a two hour journey to get there, I arrived with the announcement that I'd have to leave!

The mask that many of us live behind, in order to maintain some level of normality to those that veiw us is very tiring to keep up for any length of time. Conforming to socially acceptable behaviors is equally tiring. Left to my own devices I'd see no one, but of course that isn't healthy, is it.

I wonder if the mask is learned behaviour from childhood? A strategy that allows us to belong. All I know is that I knew I was different from very early on and the sacrifices I make to belong comes at great cost to who I really am as a person. Which is in fact Forever Fearful.

Coogy.