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Relief of being with my best friend

dunk-in-biscuit

Hi folks, I wonder if any of you feel similarly about yourself.

The full topic would read "being with my best friend or laothing going somewhere with me".

I've been thinking quite a lot about why I have built such a superb fake "me" for when I go to work or when I'm out shopping etc. I know it's fake because I have to get some "real me" time at the weekends to recover amd build up strength for the next week.

I also wait longingly for the whole year for the weeks holiday when I can go off with my best friend and do the sorts of things that I really enjoy. Would it surpise any of you if I said that it was a weeks holiday on my own in the wilds of Scotland. Because in the end my best friend is me. He's {that is I'm) the only person who really understands me or knows what I like and likes doing the same things. It's like having another person there to talk to or laugh and joke with. Like meeting up with a friend you haven't seen for ages (if I knew what that was like!).

But then to balance that there is that churning loathing dread of taking you with you when going to a social event. School BBQ, my sons birthday party, christmas at my wifes relatives. I just know I'm going to mess it up and ruin it because I will get stressed and agitated and hate being there. It's almost like having a corpse stuck to you. You would desparately like to tear it off and throw it away or get away from it. But you can't it's part of you.

So, best friend and worst nightmare. Tell anyone else that and they would think Schizophrenia split personallity or the like. I suspect though that most people on the spectrum experience this to some degree. Maybe it's normal for NT's too but they bury it and ignore it.

I'd appreciate some honest (and blunt) feedback. If it is not commonplace I may be well to bring it up with my therapist to check it out.

Appreciate you all.

Dunk

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  • Hi Hope (and the rest of you too)

             "and I often slow down so that there is no-one in my immediate vicinity. And I hate it when I have to overtake someone"

    Only one thing worse than overtaking and that is if you think you will need to say hello as I pass. I walk slow, take detours, hide round corners, calculate speeds and distances and when the best moment to overtake would be. At times I slump into my chair when I get to work mentally exhausted just by the walk in. And for what, if I did say hello they would probably think I was being friendly. 

    But that's what its like, its just so baffling like your thoughts, actions and feelings never quite turn up at the same time!

    For me the judging thing is also very powerful but it also ties in with thinking everyone thinks the same way I do. Basically part of me is severely critical of myself but then I impose that same belief on to what I think other people think of me. Kerboom! spiralling nosedive, but theres still a bit of me that is trying to say that it's a complete load of nonsense. So the brains saying one thing the feelings are doing something else, my commonsence is standing there baffled and the body just feels stunned. Looking back at it it seems comical (but only when looking back).

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Dunk

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  • Hi Hope (and the rest of you too)

             "and I often slow down so that there is no-one in my immediate vicinity. And I hate it when I have to overtake someone"

    Only one thing worse than overtaking and that is if you think you will need to say hello as I pass. I walk slow, take detours, hide round corners, calculate speeds and distances and when the best moment to overtake would be. At times I slump into my chair when I get to work mentally exhausted just by the walk in. And for what, if I did say hello they would probably think I was being friendly. 

    But that's what its like, its just so baffling like your thoughts, actions and feelings never quite turn up at the same time!

    For me the judging thing is also very powerful but it also ties in with thinking everyone thinks the same way I do. Basically part of me is severely critical of myself but then I impose that same belief on to what I think other people think of me. Kerboom! spiralling nosedive, but theres still a bit of me that is trying to say that it's a complete load of nonsense. So the brains saying one thing the feelings are doing something else, my commonsence is standing there baffled and the body just feels stunned. Looking back at it it seems comical (but only when looking back).

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Dunk

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