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Relief of being with my best friend

dunk-in-biscuit

Hi folks, I wonder if any of you feel similarly about yourself.

The full topic would read "being with my best friend or laothing going somewhere with me".

I've been thinking quite a lot about why I have built such a superb fake "me" for when I go to work or when I'm out shopping etc. I know it's fake because I have to get some "real me" time at the weekends to recover amd build up strength for the next week.

I also wait longingly for the whole year for the weeks holiday when I can go off with my best friend and do the sorts of things that I really enjoy. Would it surpise any of you if I said that it was a weeks holiday on my own in the wilds of Scotland. Because in the end my best friend is me. He's {that is I'm) the only person who really understands me or knows what I like and likes doing the same things. It's like having another person there to talk to or laugh and joke with. Like meeting up with a friend you haven't seen for ages (if I knew what that was like!).

But then to balance that there is that churning loathing dread of taking you with you when going to a social event. School BBQ, my sons birthday party, christmas at my wifes relatives. I just know I'm going to mess it up and ruin it because I will get stressed and agitated and hate being there. It's almost like having a corpse stuck to you. You would desparately like to tear it off and throw it away or get away from it. But you can't it's part of you.

So, best friend and worst nightmare. Tell anyone else that and they would think Schizophrenia split personallity or the like. I suspect though that most people on the spectrum experience this to some degree. Maybe it's normal for NT's too but they bury it and ignore it.

I'd appreciate some honest (and blunt) feedback. If it is not commonplace I may be well to bring it up with my therapist to check it out.

Appreciate you all.

Dunk

Parents

  • Hi Dunk,

    I have a similar experience with my work. Putting on an act to those who visit is something i've mastered with great affect. My work brings me into contact with the visiting public and subsequent reviews of my service all say the same thing. Welcoming, friendly, thoughtful and accommodating.

    Underneath, I find every encounter such a tremendous effort, not at all the persona I portray on the outside. I often tremor or shake and when extremely stressed, words come out of my mouth in the wrong order. The anxiety that preceeds a visit from the public can be off the scale. A times I feel like a swan! Serene above the waterline and paddling like mad below it, just to stay afloat.

    I recently visited a friend in an area which held some very bad memories for me and I crumbled. After a two hour journey to get there, I arrived with the announcement that I'd have to leave!

    The mask that many of us live behind, in order to maintain some level of normality to those that veiw us is very tiring to keep up for any length of time. Conforming to socially acceptable behaviors is equally tiring. Left to my own devices I'd see no one, but of course that isn't healthy, is it.

    I wonder if the mask is learned behaviour from childhood? A strategy that allows us to belong. All I know is that I knew I was different from very early on and the sacrifices I make to belong comes at great cost to who I really am as a person. Which is in fact Forever Fearful.

    Coogy.

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  • Hi Dunk,

    I have a similar experience with my work. Putting on an act to those who visit is something i've mastered with great affect. My work brings me into contact with the visiting public and subsequent reviews of my service all say the same thing. Welcoming, friendly, thoughtful and accommodating.

    Underneath, I find every encounter such a tremendous effort, not at all the persona I portray on the outside. I often tremor or shake and when extremely stressed, words come out of my mouth in the wrong order. The anxiety that preceeds a visit from the public can be off the scale. A times I feel like a swan! Serene above the waterline and paddling like mad below it, just to stay afloat.

    I recently visited a friend in an area which held some very bad memories for me and I crumbled. After a two hour journey to get there, I arrived with the announcement that I'd have to leave!

    The mask that many of us live behind, in order to maintain some level of normality to those that veiw us is very tiring to keep up for any length of time. Conforming to socially acceptable behaviors is equally tiring. Left to my own devices I'd see no one, but of course that isn't healthy, is it.

    I wonder if the mask is learned behaviour from childhood? A strategy that allows us to belong. All I know is that I knew I was different from very early on and the sacrifices I make to belong comes at great cost to who I really am as a person. Which is in fact Forever Fearful.

    Coogy.

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