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Relief of being with my best friend

dunk-in-biscuit

Hi folks, I wonder if any of you feel similarly about yourself.

The full topic would read "being with my best friend or laothing going somewhere with me".

I've been thinking quite a lot about why I have built such a superb fake "me" for when I go to work or when I'm out shopping etc. I know it's fake because I have to get some "real me" time at the weekends to recover amd build up strength for the next week.

I also wait longingly for the whole year for the weeks holiday when I can go off with my best friend and do the sorts of things that I really enjoy. Would it surpise any of you if I said that it was a weeks holiday on my own in the wilds of Scotland. Because in the end my best friend is me. He's {that is I'm) the only person who really understands me or knows what I like and likes doing the same things. It's like having another person there to talk to or laugh and joke with. Like meeting up with a friend you haven't seen for ages (if I knew what that was like!).

But then to balance that there is that churning loathing dread of taking you with you when going to a social event. School BBQ, my sons birthday party, christmas at my wifes relatives. I just know I'm going to mess it up and ruin it because I will get stressed and agitated and hate being there. It's almost like having a corpse stuck to you. You would desparately like to tear it off and throw it away or get away from it. But you can't it's part of you.

So, best friend and worst nightmare. Tell anyone else that and they would think Schizophrenia split personallity or the like. I suspect though that most people on the spectrum experience this to some degree. Maybe it's normal for NT's too but they bury it and ignore it.

I'd appreciate some honest (and blunt) feedback. If it is not commonplace I may be well to bring it up with my therapist to check it out.

Appreciate you all.

Dunk

Parents

  • For me, just walking down the street can be a stressful experience, because I am exposed to the gaze of the 'other': from passing cars, people walking by, or in their gardens. Because I find it hard to separate my own thoughts from other people's, if I am thinking something I automatically assume that they are thinking it too. I know logically that this is not the case, but I can't bring myself to believe this fully. I have always been very self-obsessed, but as a child I quite liked people noticing me - I was 'active but odd' - if  only to get any attention at all; so I would annoy other people, play silly games around them in order to get a reaction. Being incredibly egocentric, I was always at the centre of the universe, my universe, and still am.

    The difference is that now I care what other people think of me, whereas I did not care so much as a child. This extreme self-consciousness largely developed from the age of 11 onwards, when I started to develop a social sense.

    I am aware of what is required of me, I try to be 'social' and to act 'normal', but it all feels contrived , and it uses a lot of mental effort. Consequently I am so relieved when I get home, shut the door, and can be myself. I also need the whole of Sunday to recharge.

    It is almost like, when I am with people, I am hiding a dirty secret because they don't see the real me. I think they would be disgusted if they saw how I am at home; it is like 'nice girl', 'bad girl'.

    I have been told that all  people (i.e. 'neurotypicals') experience a discrepancy between how they are at home and in public, but I don't think they can experience it to the extent I do. Moreover, the longer I am with people the more my autistic behaviours emerge.

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  • For me, just walking down the street can be a stressful experience, because I am exposed to the gaze of the 'other': from passing cars, people walking by, or in their gardens. Because I find it hard to separate my own thoughts from other people's, if I am thinking something I automatically assume that they are thinking it too. I know logically that this is not the case, but I can't bring myself to believe this fully. I have always been very self-obsessed, but as a child I quite liked people noticing me - I was 'active but odd' - if  only to get any attention at all; so I would annoy other people, play silly games around them in order to get a reaction. Being incredibly egocentric, I was always at the centre of the universe, my universe, and still am.

    The difference is that now I care what other people think of me, whereas I did not care so much as a child. This extreme self-consciousness largely developed from the age of 11 onwards, when I started to develop a social sense.

    I am aware of what is required of me, I try to be 'social' and to act 'normal', but it all feels contrived , and it uses a lot of mental effort. Consequently I am so relieved when I get home, shut the door, and can be myself. I also need the whole of Sunday to recharge.

    It is almost like, when I am with people, I am hiding a dirty secret because they don't see the real me. I think they would be disgusted if they saw how I am at home; it is like 'nice girl', 'bad girl'.

    I have been told that all  people (i.e. 'neurotypicals') experience a discrepancy between how they are at home and in public, but I don't think they can experience it to the extent I do. Moreover, the longer I am with people the more my autistic behaviours emerge.

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